Ask HN: I received a great offer, but am unsure about relocating

[relo_worries]

I recently received a compelling offer from a major company out in SV. Career wise, this is my dream job, or at least it seems that way. Now that I have the offer, I am having some major second thoughts about relocating out to the Valley.

Part of it is fear of the unknown and stress of relocation(even though the company will cover all relo). Another, more critical part is that my girlfriend (mostly) does not want to uproot and move either. We had been planning on moving in together prior to this offer, but now everything has been turned upside down. We've talked over it pretty extensively, and as it stands now she really does not want to go, and while I have my concerns, I lean towards taking the plunge.

My fear is that I may need to choose between a great offer or the girl I am likely going to propose to. So I ask HN: those who have had a similar decision to make, what did you do? How did it turn out? If you ended up declining, how did you go about it and how did it turn out?

I'm not really looking for advice on what I should do (I am aware that it's my decision), but more on how you came to your decision, your thought process, etc. I know I should be excited to have a great offer, but the stress of the relocation decision is quickly turning this into the toughest decision I've faced.

[brad0]

I'm going to go against most advice here. Go for the job.

I've been in your position. I moved to the USA from Australia to work my dream job. While there I met the girl I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. She decided to move to the UK. I dropped everything to follow her.

I lived in a city that I did not find interesting.

I worked a job just for the money (you can imagine how quickly I burnt out).

I was surrounded by people every day that I couldn't connect with.

Over a year later and now I'm finally getting back to what I want to do with my life. We're not on this earth for long mate, make the most of your time.

[hijinks]

I agree 100%. Don't run your life around a girl. If something happens and you split you will regret that choice the rest of your life.

Go live the life you want and she might follow you.

[relo_worries]

Great perspective - really interesting to hear from someone who has been on the other side and it didn't work out (initially)

Thanks for sharing

[eberkund]

If you were able to land that job you will have no problem landing other ones. Software engineers are one of the hottest professions right now and jobs are both high paying and plentiful. Jobs in SV probably pay the highest but if you aren't willing to relocate you may have to be willing to take a slightly lower salary. That being said, no matter where you live you should be able to find a job that pays well relative to the cost of living. Moving could damage or even end your relationship so maybe it is best to take a job closer to your girlfriend at least for now well you are still figuring out what you want. In a few years should you change your mind there will be plenty of SV jobs still there waiting for you.

[relo_worries]

Thanks - that's largely been my thought process as well as I think things over. I just want to make sure that if I do pass, I maintain a good relationship with the company to keep future opportunities open. I've never actually declined an offer before, so it's all new territory for me.

[jon-wood]

Any company worth working for isn't going to take it personally that you've declined their offer, especially if its for reasons mostly unrelated to the company themselves. I've even resigned from jobs with a company and then gone back to work for them later when circumstances changed with no hard feelings.

[Mz]

My fear is that I may need to choose between a great offer or the girl I am likely going to propose to.

I'm a woman. There is no way in hell I would move to follow a boyfriend to a new city. But, I did follow my husband's military career all over the world.

Have you considered proposing? Tell her you want to take the offer and you want her to go with you, as your wife. See if that resolves it.

[relo_worries]

I have considered proposing. Was even planning on setting up a surprise once we moved in. Then this offer across the country came up and turned everything upside down.

I'd still do it in a heartbeat, but don't want her to think I'm proposing just to lure her across the country

[Mz]

Then you should tell her exactly what you said to me here and see where the conversation goes after that. But, do give her a bit of time to digest it before you expect productive discussion. Maybe let her know the above, suggest she think it over for a day or two and get back to you.

[nostromo123]

The decision is based on what's most important to you. I know it sounds like a platitude, but it is what it is.

My boyfriend came from country A to country B to move in with me, at some considerable professional cost to himself (left PhD track in hot field with, admittedly, kind of useless supervisor, for boring cookie cutter "research" in my institute). We are not the youngest (mid-30s, early 40s), and we wanted to see if living together would make us or break us, after several years of long distance relationship. It was a risk, obviously more so for him than for me.

Four years later, I followed him back to country A, for a (not very big) cut in both our salaries, but more interesting jobs for both of us. He got a job offer, then I searched and found something for myself, too.

We are identifying quite a lot with our field / jobs, but the main decision driver was "us". For instance, I would have followed him back to country A no matter what, and he, in turn, wouldn't have taken the job offer in A had I also not found a job.

[psyc]

I can't really explain how I arrived at this, without telling too much life story. I can only say that several painful mistakes eventually taught me not to prioritize anything over a genuine relationship. Jobs are cheap. Love is dear.

[brad0]

That's interesting. I've come to the opposite conclusion.

I'm curious about your story, care to share it?

[gamechangr]

I'm not the OP or the person who made this comment, but I totally agree with his sentiment.

There is more that goes into it than this, but I want to focus on two main factors that really define your choices.

1) Your previous relational success/failure. If you struggle, we tend lean back into things we are good at = job. Just because it's natural, doesn't mean its right.

2) your current age (you become more self aware over time). I can speak personally that 23 year old me would take the job, but 33 year old me would go for the girl. There are soooo many good jobs. Finding someone you want to live with is much more rare...depending on the person ...extremely rate.

Regret over relationships sucks... most the time it's gone forever. Regret over job ...just quit.

[relo_worries]

Age is a great point. I'm 30. I think back on previous relationships and it sounds like an easy decision to take the job. This relationship, with this girl, not so much.

My dream scenario is i keep the job and the girl, so I need to find a way to make that happen

[cm2012]

Stick with the girl. Use the offer in negotiations for a better local job. Love is way more important than career as long as you're not poor.

I chose the girl (dropped out of college and started working in my career at a low level to afford housing together) and ended up making waay more money in the long run thanks to her help.

[thiagooffm]

If the girl is gonna leave you for that reason or is this simple things gonna hurt your relationship, I'm sorry to say you this, but perhaps it's not the right kind of girl for you.

From what I see, it's something that you want, and in the end, it's a job, something which enables you to pay your bills and be an adult, something you depend on.

So, I would just do it. When I've got an offer to move to Germany and wanted to go there, my partner just did with me, even though she had to struggle a bit with the language to then find a job, she did it, now she's happy about it, just as she was we came here. And in the end, this can also go away, and you'll be stuck with your old town, no girlfriend and your poor choice.

If you don't do it and stay with her there and do what was your plans before, it's very likely that this will become a subject when you fight and this could be even worse, you would feel that this specific decision as dragged you down future-wise in life, getting you to blame her perhaps forever.

I know this can look individualistic. But seriously, there's special people everywhere, you could move in and find a new love, I don't know. I feel that if you are made for each other, you would like to be part of the plan of one another, or to respect and do the best to support the interest of your partner, as for instance, when you are married, you indeed got a contract which in case you get divorced, you get 50%, so even in economical terms it would be great to take decision to go wherever pays best for the couple. If my wife would get a good job and I could just stay at home and keep things tidy until I would also find one, I would definitely do it, why not? :-)

my 2 cents.

[relo_worries]

When you were moving to Germany, how much did your partner not want to go as well? Did it take a lot of convincing? How did you structure your discussions?

Thanks for your input though. Helpful to know others out there have been in similar situations.

[thiagooffm]

I asked her, she told me: WHAT? LETS GO! She was more happy than me about what we've accomplished. The deal is that, this shouldn't be taken as your own accomplishment, but more of the couple, as it's life changing. Of course, relationships are different and so are people, so perhaps you aren't that close to her and vice-versa, and it's something that work for you both.

[nodelessness]

I would go for the job.

Hate to assume too much about your cultural background but my thinking is: unless there is a concrete commitment between you and your SO in the form of marriage, you should not be tied down to your current location no matter how good of a person they are and how well they treat you etc. when something like this comes up.

I have relocated to different cities during my career - 3 times to be exact. I have recently relocated to a new country in a another continent. You're right there is some amount of churn and stress involved in the process of the change. But that is only for the first 3-4 months after which you settle into a level of comfort.

However, every time I made the move I have looked back and felt that making the move, enduring the stress of change, was totally worth in the end in terms of the vast improvements in opportunities, personal development, financial gains and the many many new avenues that opens up and the new people that I met were totally worth the short term 'pain'.

[stbtrax]

That's a pretty conservative view on relationships. There is a whole spectrum of commitment that doesn't involve getting imaginary figures or the government involved.

[nodelessness]

I agree that you don't have to get imaginary beings involved.

However, I disagree that a vague verbal or non-verbal understanding is sufficient to make one's commitment to the other concrete. It is not enough to inspire confidence in anyone. If your commitment is really that concrete and real what is keeping you from registering it with the government? It shouldn't really bother you - a mere formality. From making it widely known to everyone around you that yes, you are committed to me. Surely if I mean that much to you, and you are as committed as you say you are, this shouldn't be a problem.

[cm2012]

Can you imagine someone not being replaceable to you?

[nodelessness]

The whole concept that "that special someone" is nonsense. It is a fairytale concept that one grows out of once they leave early adulthood. Make no mistake - you are not special. You're not special. No one is. It is very likely that, for both you and your SO, there is probably a person out there who you would be even more happy if you only chanced up on meeting them.

Who we end up with is mostly a function of chance. No one is replaceable.

[jklein11]

Call me a millennial but this is an extremely odd view of the world to me.

Everyone is unique. Everyone has had a different set of experiences that brought them to where they are today.

Relationships are also unique in this way. They are a shared set of experiences you have had with another. Each set of shared experiences is unqiue.

In the case of the OP, only he and his current SO will have lived through making this decision with each other. The strength of their relationship going forward will be in part because of this shared experience.

Are you arguing that it is possible that the SO would be happier if they were making this decision with the other person? I'm sure that this could be theoretically true, but it seems somewhat irrelevant.

[cm2012]

You choose to make someone irreplaceable by opening yourselves up to eachother and risking the pain of loss.

[uptownfunk]

It's a complicated predicament. Who's the primary earner? Have you tried proposing something like, let's try it for a few months and if it doesn't work out we can move back? That way the move doesn't feel so permanent and will give her time to enjoy the Bay Area.

It sounds like you're young, treat the relocation as a temporary thing. If it's a company that's going to make your resume then I look at it as a one to two year commitment and then you can do whatever you want. I would say try and also spin the travel, explore new areas, be adventurous kind of lifestyle, home will always be there, and since you don't yet have kids I would travel explore and enjoy the heck out of whatever time you've got left.

[relo_worries]

I'd be the primary earner initially, but she works in tech as well so shouldn't have problem finding work.

Definitely will be using temporary/exploration angle in my sales pitch to her :)

[jklein11]

I'm not in your shoes, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

The biggest red flag to me is this quote:

>My fear is that I may need to choose between a great offer or the girl I am likely going to propose to.

This seems like an unfair ultimatum for her to give you. Maybe the reason why she is putting on the breaks isn't about the relocation. Its possible she doesn't share the same vision of the future as you.

At the end of the day there are plenty of fish in the sea, both in terms of jobs and significant others so do what feels right and don't look back.

[bdowling]

Who do you want to be: (a) the guy who moves across the country to advance his career (to take his "dream job"), or (b) the guy who lets the opportunity pass by to stay near a girl who isn't substantially committed (i.e., not married or engaged) to him?

I do think there's room for a third option where you take the job and get the girl, but you will need to figure out if you are actually going to propose to her or if you are just "likely going to propose".

[cjbprime]

Reassuring (and a little surprising) to see the comments here mostly against relocating, which is my take too. Jobs in SV can turn out to suck in unanticipated ways veeery quickly. Regret over relationships is always greater than regret over jobs, in my experience.

[leesec]

Just an opinion but, jobs are jobs, and relationships are really whats most important in life. Don't leave this human you care about for the potential of something better career wise.

[werbergerber]

I was faced with this same decision. SO didn’t come with me and I was broken up about it until we reconciled and she eventually joined me (at significant financial cost to me). It was a worthwhile life experience but we ultimately moved back to our original home and are both much happier. In retrospect I can’t say I made the wrong choice but it was rough for a bit there for me personally

ETA the housing situation is bad enough in SV that I definitely wouldn’t do it again

[aey]

It’s probably not your dream job, but SV is a unique place filled with dreamers. It’s hard to replicate the experience anywhere else.

[codesternews]

I suggest go with flow. You are not yet seriously(wife, engaged or not prposed) committed in relationship.

I would say take the job as it will help you long run. Relationships are very uncertain and you do not know what this girl wants.

Take the job and tell the girl about your plans and go with flow.

[reureu]

I've been on both sides of this situation.

My ex unexpectedly landed his dream job at one of the big tech companies. We had been together for around a year, and were looking at buying a house together. Using the "L" word, met the parents, were chatting about getting married and how we might have kids (being gay means that requires more planning). He doesn't have a college education, but was really good at what he does, so it was kind of a no brainer that he'd take that job. I had no interest in moving to the Bay Area. I loved where I was living, and that's where my family and close friends are. We ended up breaking up as a results and aren't on good terms (he left without saying goodbye and I, uh, handled it less than professionally). [as an aside: while I don't necessarily think there were problems in our relationship, I do acknowledge that it's possible that he wanted an easy out of the relationship which this job provided for him]

Flash forward a few years, and I'm dating another guy. We've been together for about 6 months when I win a couple of coding challenges and get some offers for jobs in the Bay Area. Until that point, I had been on this 12-18 month cadence of looking for new jobs. Existing jobs weren't really giving raises, and the work wasn't super interesting... I was basically a glorified report writer for large companies. So, I decided to make the jump, and ended up first in a health tech incubator, and later at a well known health tech company. My bf has no interest in moving to the Bay Area, but he comes out and visits every few months, and I go back home about once a month to see him and hang out with friends and family.

There's no winning on either side. For me, it was clear that the kind of work that I want to do is in the Bay Area. There's definitely a more "let's build it" or "let's solve these problems" attitude, instead of "we just need a paper pusher" kind of attitude. I like being able to wear hoodies to work and not being looked down upon. I like being able to go to meetups and see the folks who build software that I use. I think it's pretty cool to grab lunch with colleagues at google or apple. Beyond work, I've grown to love hiking. I like that there aren't mosquitoes really here. The climate is right for me. There's a pretty long list of things that I like.

I think I was an idiot to not follow my ex out to California. I was so sure about the direction of my life at the time that I couldn't really see any other alternative. And it was really stupid that I just came out here a few years later anyway. I think my bf is an idiot for not following me out here now. But, honestly, we've made long distance work for the most part.

My unsolicited advice is that relationships are incredibly important, but so is living your life. Work is such a large part of your day, and you probably want to feel challenged and interested in what you're doing. Personally, I can't picture myself working at any job back home at this point. That'll probably change, but until then, unless my bf plans on fully supporting me financially, this is where I need to be. So, if that's similar to how you feel about work, then you should take the offer. Hopefully your gf won't be an idiot like I was.

[gamechangr]

"My unsolicited advice"

Actually - it's the opposite. It's super solicited :) .....(and it appears super relevant as well)

[cweagans]

SV isn't worth it. There are other jobs.

I guess it really depends on whether or not you're actually gonna propose to the girl or not though. Decide that and then your job decision becomes easier.

[othersideofcoin]

You will grow the most if you choose the more difficult path. Second, it is worth growing a lot while you are young; this process is more painful in your 30s.

[amorphid]

I do not agree. Just because something is hard does not mean it is worth doing. There are lots of things one can do that are hard, and most of them probably aren't worth doing.

[acty1]

I'm going to say something that may not go well with others here and may be repulsive at first. Hear me out though.

There are 2 issues here and they are separate.

Issue #1. Is it worth relocating to SV for your "dream job"?

A few things to note are:

- There are no "dream" jobs. That's a myth. You are building someone elses vision and domesticating yourself further.

- What will your net worth become after 1, 2, and 3 years after this job relative to current opportunities of where you are at now. Will you actually get ahead and achieve your Real dreams and life purpose, or merely toil away in a land far from loved ones and spend precious years somewhere you do not want to be.

- Why do you have to move? That says something about how needy the employer is. They probably have games, "free" food, and noisy open offices.

Issue #2. Fear of the loss of love(r)

- Are you genuinely happy and secure in your relationship? If you were going to propose. You would have done so already and not weigh different options. Men are decisive and when they are not, it is because their intuition ia telling them something.

- If she would not move with you. Would you move if she "got her dream job offer". How would that play out a) she took it or b) she didn't take it and "stayed" with you. Reflecting on this question will reveal something to you about the quality of your relationship, as well as the power dynamic and is useful analysis.

- Do her goals and yours line up? Moving in together is Common Law marriage. Look up the stats on how many women get pregnant in such situations after X months. Apply an estimate for when you will have your first child (if she wants kids and you both can biologically have them). Decide if you really want this and are ok with the probability.

- Are any underhanded tactics such as "if you loved me, you would stay" being used or mentioned? If anything resembles this uncomfortable line of questioning, then it's time to take a hard look at whether it is the right thing to continue being together.

Hope this gives something to think about and meaningful insights as a result.

There are 6 big fears that a person can have. And I suspect a couple are at play and hindering decisive action.

Also, I'm going to be hard on you with the passive language:

"I recently received a compelling offer..."

So you mean that an offer landed on your lap from the heavens, with no volition or involvement from yourself?

Or did you mean that you DELIBERATELY sought out a killer opportunity and nailed it?

If it fell from the heavens, then it wouldn't be a discussion point. I am suspecting it is the latter. Your behaviour and choices are telling you something. Do not second guess yourself and do not let the fear of the loss of love get in the way of your happiness. She is your girlfriend. Not your wife. Not the mother of your children. Not your sister. Not your mother.

[shostack]

I've been there.

I'm a marketer, and back when I was fairly junior in my career and working at ad agencies, the small agency I was at hit some rough times. I was let go, but they gave me two weeks notice and within that time I secured three other offers.

One of the offers was in Troy, MI at a very reputable agency on a big auto account. Somehow I had convinced them that I was at a Director level when I was like three years out of school, but it was the beginning days of digital media, and I knew more than most so was able to really sell myself.

Anyway, so the role would require I move from where I lived in Chicago at the time to somewhere near Troy. I had just started dating a wonderful woman and was incredibly torn. Do I go for an early career boost to salary and comp and end what seemed like the most promising relationship I'd been in at that point in my life (since she would not have relocated at that point in our relationship)? Or do I stay local and take less pay than the other opportunity (still a nice bump over what I had been at) and stay with her.

In the end I turned down that offer in MI to take the Chicago offer. As luck would have it, the auto account I was going to work on (Chrysler) went bankrupt two weeks later.

I got awesome experience at the agency I chose, and realized I would have been WAY out of my depth at the place in MI given my actual experience, and would probably have been setup for failure.

Shortly after, she and I moved in together. A few years and jobs later, I ended up marrying her and back in 2013 we both moved for work again (well, mostly because I was sick of Chicago winters) to the Bay Area where we've been ever since. While things are insanely expensive here, I love the weather and lifestyle I have here that I could never have in Chicago.

Here's the thing...soul mates are a bit harder to find than jobs, especially when you are in an in-demand field and are fending off recruiters with a stick. If you can get a job offer at your dream company, you can get a job offer at a slightly less dreamy company and make things work on the relationship side. Or your relationship might implode and you might be stuck regretting not making the jump. It worked out for me and I have zero regrets, but that's survivor bias.

Other options might include seeing if they'll let you work remotely or seeing if she'll agree to move temporarily and reassess at a given point.

I'm not clear how senior you are in your field, but relocation can be a bumpy ride depending on how much support you would have from them. Relocating while moving in together for the first time adds major stress and bumpiness. If you feel this could be the one, you should do everything you can to stay with them and make things work. If you are not sure or have doubts, you might need to do some real soul searching.

[relo_worries]

That's actually one of her big concerns. We were planning on moving in, but still haven't lived together. Now I'm asking her to quit her job and move across the country, without a job, to live with me. So I understand where she is coming from.

It's a tough spot indeed. I've got some time to think it over or sell her on it. Thanks for replying - this is a super tough spot for me and I appreciate your input

[brad0]

You may have already done this and if so ignore my advice. :)

Get her to sit down with you and have her just say everything on her mind. Don't interject with solutions or if anything she says is incorrect. Just listen.

Once she's completely expressed herself then let your brain digest it.

[shostack]

This is pretty critical advice. I'm sure many HN users like myself love to troubleshoot every single thing they can, and that is the first inclination when someone you care about is talking about their concerns or problems with something you are proposing.

But the thing is--even if you flat out disagree with what she is saying, she is not wrong for FEELING a certain way. And trying to interject troubleshooting basically says "your feelings are inaccurate." That tends to not go over well.

When contemplating major life events (and this would be three: moving in with someone new, moving across the country away from friends and family, and quitting a new job while needing to hunt for a new one), thoughts and emotions are often irrational and that's ok.

But if its one thing I've learned, its that feelings are always valid and simply listening to them to understand their perspective is way more useful than trying to stomp all over it and try to convert them to yours (at least initially).

[relo_worries]

Going to do this tonight. This is a great idea. Thank you

[jstewartmobile]

The US of A has clearly expressed its preference for the banana-republic template of gleaming high-rise condos next to impoverished shanty towns. Pick the high-rise.

SV will only disfigure your soul. The rest of the country will probably take your body along for the ride.

PS> If you come to feel that a lot of what SV does is "dirty", there's nothing stopping you socking-away those big paychecks and doing something righteous with them later.