[relo_worries]

That's actually one of her big concerns. We were planning on moving in, but still haven't lived together. Now I'm asking her to quit her job and move across the country, without a job, to live with me. So I understand where she is coming from.

It's a tough spot indeed. I've got some time to think it over or sell her on it. Thanks for replying - this is a super tough spot for me and I appreciate your input

[brad0]

You may have already done this and if so ignore my advice. :)

Get her to sit down with you and have her just say everything on her mind. Don't interject with solutions or if anything she says is incorrect. Just listen.

Once she's completely expressed herself then let your brain digest it.

[shostack]

This is pretty critical advice. I'm sure many HN users like myself love to troubleshoot every single thing they can, and that is the first inclination when someone you care about is talking about their concerns or problems with something you are proposing.

But the thing is--even if you flat out disagree with what she is saying, she is not wrong for FEELING a certain way. And trying to interject troubleshooting basically says "your feelings are inaccurate." That tends to not go over well.

When contemplating major life events (and this would be three: moving in with someone new, moving across the country away from friends and family, and quitting a new job while needing to hunt for a new one), thoughts and emotions are often irrational and that's ok.

But if its one thing I've learned, its that feelings are always valid and simply listening to them to understand their perspective is way more useful than trying to stomp all over it and try to convert them to yours (at least initially).

[relo_worries]

Going to do this tonight. This is a great idea. Thank you