[alexibm]

I am 35M terribly heartbroken after my most important relationship for which I had great hopes, ended in a complete disaster almost 10 months ago. Person I loved the most, cheated one, shitted on me, got engaged to guy, sent me pictures of her/dude + wedding band on OUR anniversary day, told me that she will name a dog after child we were planning to have, got dumped in 6 months, because he didn't want to have her 10 YO son and came back without apologies, and when I refused to take her back, she went to Switzerland police and got restraining order against me ... just to shit on me more. So, I am banned from entering Switzerland.(I live in US) To be honest, I followed a lot of things on this list, but it still doesn't help. To this day, my productivity is shit. Somehow, I accomplish things being asked of me, but I feel like empty shell of former me walking around. Have to admit, alcohol helps me a lot.

[danieltillett]

It won’t make you feel any better, but if this is what this woman is like you got incredibly lucky. Imagine if you had had a child with this woman - you would be stuck dealing with her forever.

While alcohol can help in the short term, you should be wary of it long term. If possible, the best solution is a mid-term geographic move. Just getting out of the environment tied to your memories and the emotions will seem less hurtful.

[depressionsucks]

I went through this at the same time as experiencing a major business failure. It sucked, and honestly 14 months later it still sucks but it does get better with time. Very very slowly, but it does. Be careful about creating a chemical dependency, it was weed for me, as that actually prolongs the recovery. I think these things help us in the early days, but eventually they block you from processing the feelings you have to process. Stay in there, it will get better.

[alexibm]

Thank you for your kind words. Hopefully, it will get better. One thing that kills me, is that I am 35 and I have to deal with this shit during most productive years of my life and I can't fix them.

[depressionsucks]

I'm 37, so I know that feeling well. There's a sense that others are moving on with their lives, both professionally and personally (eg getting married, having kids) but you are stuck and not going anywhere. Honestly, I'm not through this and still feel much of this, but through therepy I've realized that this keeping up with others isn't a helpful thing. Plenty of people are late bloomers (here's an example, obviously less inspiring now than it used to be). https://500hats.com/late-bloomer-not-a-loser-i-hope-ac0ec49a... For me personally I've realized this period is one of intense personal growth and it's brought up lots of issues from my past patterns that I hadn't dealt with but needed to. I'm confident that now I'm better placed for success both at work and at home, though I still need time to heal and rebuild myself inside before that happens and that's a process that just takes time.

[pault]

Wow, we have a club. A similar thing happened to me a year ago; not as dramatic as your story, but my girlfriend left me a few weeks before I was going to propose to her (she never really did explain why). The relationship felt so perfect from the beginning that I never even considered the possibility that we wouldn't get married. I was caught completely by surprise. I'm 37 now, and it took 15 years of dating to meet someone I had no reservations about spending the rest of my life with, so it's easy to convince myself that I lost my only shot at happiness. I also moved around a lot over the last 10 years so I don't have any friends now. The last 12 months have felt like an eternity. There are only two things keeping me alive right now: one, my dogs make me feel like I'm not completely alone; and two, I started dumping all of my energy into skill training, and I'm getting so much better at everything I enjoy doing. I tried dating a few months ago but it was just a string of terrible experiences, so I'm in full hermit mode now.

[alexibm]

I am sorry this is happening to you as well. My last 10 months also have felt like an eternity. It also took me many years of finding someone I felt comfortable being with and having a family. In our age bracket loosing someone is extremely hard, especially when you have family plans on the table. It came to me as a surprise that she had this dark side. Just one day, out of blue, entirely different person starts sending me text messages filled with hatred, rage and every line is soul-crushing. She felt no remorse and was pro-actively doing it, even when I have asked to stop, because my heart was in pain [have minor heart problem]. When she told me that she is taking out IUD and planning to have kids with "him" and listed names for kids they already picked, I went into shock-mode for a week. She basically used her new engagement/relationship as a tool to destroy me for her own pleasure. Karma is a bitch and her engagement collapsed in less than 6 months.

I really can't do/study anything as of this moment. I tried doing CMU Advance Database Course, printed out a lot of research articles and it feels like I am staring at the screen/paper.

Dating is hard as well. I registered on match.com the other week, but all the women look very unattractive, even a very-very attractive ones. (I was genuinely surprised by the number of single 30-40 YO women, many of them are divorced and have kids.)

[pault]

Geez, that sounds seriously traumatic. You might benefit from a couple of months of therapy if you haven't already tried it. Sometimes you just need someone to listen. Maybe you would have more luck doing something creative instead of mentally taxing software development. I started drawing again and it has been really relaxing. It's nice to just zone out and listen to music while I sketch. I hope you can find something that helps.

[alexibm]

I have gone to therapy, talked to friends and family members. Still, have this lingering pain, that doesn't go away.

[newsmania]

Run as far as you can from the atttractive ones. Good looks are a crutch. They let people slide by without ever developing character.

Get an ok or ugly one. They aren’t in as high demand so less likely they will leave you. More importantly the benefit of a hot wife is far less than that detriment of her destroying you.

[mercer]

I grew up with this belief, but to be honest reality, if anything, seems the opposite. On average, the very attractive people were also nice and... stable, often frustratingly so. And most of the nastiest, unstable people I've met were often on the unattractive end of the spectrum. I've also recall reading research that came to a similar conclusion.

And when you think about it, it actually makes sense. Sure, attractive people have it easier in a lot of ways, and the 'bubble' is a real thing. So perhaps, maybe, there's some correlation between attraction and competence or work ethic or whatnot.

But I'd argue that being bullied, ignored, ostracized, and so on, is a much more likely source of being 'terrible', or unstable, or unpleasant than being coddled a bit more than others.

That said I would argue that the 'safest' person to date, if you're going to account for looks, is the average-looking person who feels comfortable with being average-looking. Ideally about as average as oneself.

[tambienben]

I've put my full focus on trying to develope different skills after being used by someone. I'm much better off spending my time on me rather than anyone who doesn't appreciate it. The way I figure, if someone appreciates me enough to be around me, its their choice to do that. In the meantime, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being alone. I've learned to enjoy the solitude while I have it.

[throwaway-9313]

I'm going through the same thing, more or less, at 39. On top of that I haven't accomplished what I expected to and see people much younger than myself do.

It's very hard and I have "started over" so many times that the energy that you get from that is starting to wear off which is almost more scary. I am starting to feel that I really need some sort of lucky break from the universe or I will never move on. Which is scary because I am not very spiritual and I don't really believe that is likely to happen. But I carry on because I wouldn't know what else to do anyway.

[depressionsucks]

Also I fucking hated people when they said 'it just takes time' because it makes the situation seem so hopeless when you are hurting today. It is true though, and there will be ups and downs along the way.

[cschep]

don't discount your 40's and 50's and beyond!

so, so, so much time to make awesome shit. good luck getting through it all. <3

[koonsolo]

Here is what helped for me. I was at the receiving end of a divorce, from a (in my opinion) nice family with 3 kids. It was really hard on me, since I really loved my ex, and I loved my family.

But I came to realize that the woman I love is in my heart only, and doesn't exist in the real word. My real world ex is cold hearthed, chose to dump her own family. The woman in my heart was really nice. But realize that she doesn't exist.

So maybe if you try to see the woman in your heart as separate from the real world one (which seems to be some psychotic bitch), you can move a step further away.

I'm sure the woman in your hearth wouldn't do all the things that your ex is doing.

[alexibm]

In grand scheme of things, nothing terrible have happened to me. I didn't move to another country, we don't have kids (imagine having kids and getting being banned from entering country where they live) or house, no costly divorce. My psyche is badly damaged, that is true. You have lost a lot more than I did. Slowly but surely, I am coming to the same conclusion: she is artificially constructed person in my mind/heart and this image of her, unfortunately does not exist in the real world. Person I loved, would never tell me, that she will name a dog after the child we were planning to have.

[koonsolo]

Lots of strength to you man. The world can be a shitty place sometimes. But there are always worse things that can happen.

Try to stay away from the bottle, and build up your life with the things you do have. Everything is temporary anyway, so enjoy the nice moments you have.

[anigbrowl]

Very relatable, and I'm sorry you were subjected to such abuse. Becoming heavily invested in a relationship only to have it turn toxic is really nightmarish. It's natural to numb the pain with alcohol or any of the many alternatives, but damaging yourself over the long term is actually a way for the toxic person to keep hurting you at zero cost to themselves.

Get a dog of your own - not to spite your ex though. You'll have to invest a lot of effort in a dog but you'll be rewarded with loyalty and improved sensitivity and intuition. Not a dog person? Neither was I until stumbled across a starving mangy animal that turned out to be the best friend I've ever had. Shelters are full of dogs that have been betrayed and abandoned. Working breeds (on the larger side) are more even-tempered, intelligent, and loyal which is exactly what's missing in your life right now. I'd suggest an adult rather than a puppy if you haven't had one before, as you'll make a lot of mistakes in the first year.

[erokar]

If it's any consolation it sounds like your ex has a personality disorder with sadistic traits. It is unlikely she will ever make anyone happy, quite the opposite.

[alexibm]

She has traits of [Borderline?] Personality Disorder, but I found out about BPD after whole thing went down in flames and I started doing research. She is 35. Attractive. Abused childhood, absent mother that went around banging man and abusive stepfather, father left when she was 2. She had 3 marriages that collapsed, numerous engagements that probably fell as well, and shit-load of relationships that are short-lived(6m-1y). And of course, all men were terrible. On top, she has eating disorder and thin as rail.

Entire ordeal sounds like some evil plot to destroy me. My older friends, who went through divorces, were shocked and said this by far nastiest break-up they heard about.

[mratzloff]

It's not uncommon for someone with BPD. It only gets worse over time unless the person makes a concerted effort to work with a trained specialist to manage the symptoms, and most don't. You are neither the first nor last to have a marriage fall apart as a result of BPD. It's fucked up, it's horrible, but you will survive it. Eventually you'll have days where you don't even think about it.

That said, I highly recommend you speak to a therapist. There are things you are doing to attract these personalities and it's important to recognize it so you don't find yourself in the same situation in the future.

Also, read this book immediately: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1442238321

[subcosmos]

Yup. This is textbook personality disorder. Stay away permanently for your own safety.

[Will_Parker]

Indeed, the OP practically describes a Taylor Swift video.

[pizza]

Short r.d. laing video on people getting out of their depressions/predicaments / just being OK again. I read his books (divided self is my favorite) after learning about him, they did a lot to my perspective on things https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKOxp2q2lss

Sounds like she's sadistically tormenting you... awful. do all you can to put distance between you and her.

and do anything at all that helps you feel OK, even if it's just whistling a tune. Just so you don't feel get snared in guilt, or rumination, as if there were an external expectation that you should feel like "it's my responsibility to remember that I have all these reasons that justify my misery".

Don't feel bad about not knowing that your fantasy would become a nightmare. There was no way you would have known.

But make sure to still have fantasies, though of course now for a very different future. Your future was not cursed just because she destroyed your relationship (and fantasies of its future).

Sure, our fantasies may merely be imaginary. But people crucially depend upon their fantasies nonetheless. They are the only way many of us attain a feeling that we have a real connection with the real world, and things feel better when you release old ones that are no longer viable, and find new ones, too.

as for finding new fantasies for meaning, media (like movies, books, TV shows, music, etc.) aren't all that bad for letting you 'uncover' the covers on top of your own desires, when the story resonates with you strongly.

[chickenfries]

10 months is not a lot of time to recover from something like this.

Have you seen a therapist? Or have you been talking to anyone in your life about what you've been through?

[dieterrams]

That's terrible, and I'm sorry you had to go through all that. My recommendation is that you take your life back, and refuse to allow what she did to you to harm you any more. There's life after this, and come hell or high water, you will get it.

[brookside]

I am certainly stating the callous obvious but...she sounds terrible and you are lucky to have gotten out.

And I know the lingering stomach-churning attachment you describe. All too well : (

My hope is that when that (chemical?) fixation subsides you'll have a huge example of why she isn't a good partner that your rational, non-animal mind to latch onto.

[bobbyhotpockets]

I'm sorry you're going through this. No one understands any of it unless they experienced it themselves, and it's normal for friends not to really get it at first.

It gets better though. To the point where eventually you'll look back and wonder how the hell you gave this person even a moment of your life. But time alone won't fix it.

It's hard at first, but try to go easy on the alcohol, even when the pain seems unbearable. "You got to feel it to heal it." Don't know where this came from originally, and it sounds hokey, but it's so true.

Find a good therapist, ideally one familiar with the devastation that Cluster B personality disorders cause, but NOT someone that treats them. This is super important. There are a surprising number of PD apologists and therapists who suffer from a PD themselves out there. Find someone that recognizes the abuse you suffered and is supportive and encouraging.

And finally, cut this emotional vampire out of your life completely. 100% no contact. Every letter, email, voice mail, text, etc. straight to the trash. You will never, ever, ever get closure from her. The fantasy you have of that moment when she realizes that she was wrong and that you truly loved her, that she threw away the best relationship she'll ever have, where she tells you what she was thinking when she did all of these things, and she finally hears what you've been saying in a million different ways as things started to unravel...it's truly a fantasy, just like the relationship, and just like she was. She is a young child in the body of an adult. She has nothing to offer that can help you to heal. That's got to come from inside you.

And while you're working through all the emotional shit from your ex, take some time to consider other people in your life. People who wind up in abusive relationships usually have an issue with boundaries and this attracts others just as fucked up as the first PD individual that caused all this turmoil in the first place. Think about how others make you feel and trust your gut. If you feel on edge around someone all the time, listen to this feeling.

Good luck, man. You can totally do this. Sending positive thoughts your way :)

[forthispurpose]

Hey man, this is really crazy. You may or may not know this already, but the only thing that really works is just getting involved in a new relationship. Can be amazing or just a thing for 1- month but do it, and also do all the things that go with it - romantic dates, however you perceive them etc. Just don't talk about your ex at all and really the very first more or less successful relationship will wash it all aqay

[sjg007]

Man you are so lucky her true colors showed before you had a kid together!!! You will find someone else, someone better who will love you for you and just want to be with you.

[ikeyany]

Yes, he's so "lucky".

[Buttons840]

Have you tried meditation? I can't promise it would help, but my own experience makes me believe it's a least worth a try. If interested, I would suggest finding one simple source (don't buy an expensive course or anything) to learn from and then practice meditation for a few minutes each day. If it helps, good, if not then stop wasting time on it.

[sasas]

Such behaviours of this individual may be indicative of NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). Do some research on the topic.. sometimes it helps to find possible explanations when damage has been inflicted by destructive individuals. I wish you all the best.

[sreenadh]

I have heard of stories like yours. Its sad. Cannot you counter sue the lady??? you have proof of being in a relationship and the pics she sent you on your anniversary. You should not let idiots screw you over like this.

[insulanus]

I'm really sorry to hear that. 10 months is a long time, but it's not long for pain like this. If you take the wait-it-out approach, it will probably be more like 7 years.

On the plus side, it does get better.

[frandroid]

> Somehow, I accomplish things being asked of me

So you could pair with someone who will drive you around for a while. It could be a friend or someone you hire. Esp. important if you're a freelancer...

[naasking]

Be careful with alcohol. It's a depressant and can actually make your condition worse once the temporary relief wears off.

[rcfox]

> Have to admit, alcohol helps me a lot.

Helps productivity, or helps not feeling bad?

[castis]

I'm not going to claim to speak for OP but having been in a similar situation, alcohol helps muffle the emotions.

The amount of alcohol required increases with time, so productivity continues downward at an ever growing pace.

[alexibm]

OP here. It helps to kill emotions, they become distant background noise while alcohol is effective. After a while, you have to keep-up with intake, in order to be in this state all the time.

[blowski]

Being broken-hearted for that long must be really painful for you.

[orless]

Get well soon.

[dvtv75]

Some of what I've written here might seem to be the "It's not so bad..." sort of stupidity that abounds. ("It's not so bad, you don't live in a third world country. That's worse than everything you've experienced!") Nothing I've written here is intended that way, and I've re-written it to try and avoid that impression, so please don't read it like that.

---

What she did to you was abuse. The sooner you understand that, the sooner you can start healing. I don't give a damn about what happened in her life that caused it, because the important thing is that you understand that you were abused.

I think you already do, although maybe not in as many words.

She deliberately destroyed your relationship in the most vindictive and painful way she could. Everything you've mentioned here appears designed to cause you as much pain as possible - and the fact that you're feeling this strongly (or poorly) means she's won this round. I wouldn't have fared any better in your place.

The game isn't over yet, and this round is going to take a lot longer than the first. You've got some win conditions you need to satisfy if you want to come out of this in good shape:

Get help from a suitable abuse counselor. This is the most important thing you can do, because it leads into the rest of your life. Do me a favor, and if you don't find one tonight, find one tomorrow. Don't even think about it, just do it.

Don't allow alcohol (or other drugs) to be your vent. This might sound silly, but take up a hobby well outside your comfort zone. Perhaps painting, singing, ballroom dance, fencing, or sculpting. The more friendly people you can be around, the better off you'll be. Please stay away from alcohol, it's not a crutch and won't help. Go and chat with AA, if you find that you can't. The people at those meetings will be able to support you through that.

Start to give a damn about yourself. Not everyone is out to betray you and hurt you, but this is something you'll have to relearn. Nobody who understands will hold it against you. I wouldn't.

You've been somewhat lucky, believe it or not, in that this happened before you ended up married and with a baby. Don't doubt that I'm horrified by her vindictive actions, or how selfish she was. I've seen first hand what happens when someone lived a similar hell, but got married anyway. I watched my father grow old as he was unable get on with his life after a similar sort of betrayal.

But this is about you. What happened to you was unfair, and a terrible trauma, no doubt about that. Right now please do yourself, your family and friends, your colleagues, and your future wife a favor: get counseling.