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I'm sorry you're going through this. No one understands any of it unless they experienced it themselves, and it's normal for friends not to really get it at first. It gets better though. To the point where eventually you'll look back and wonder how the hell you gave this person even a moment of your life. But time alone won't fix it. It's hard at first, but try to go easy on the alcohol, even when the pain seems unbearable. "You got to feel it to heal it." Don't know where this came from originally, and it sounds hokey, but it's so true. Find a good therapist, ideally one familiar with the devastation that Cluster B personality disorders cause, but NOT someone that treats them. This is super important. There are a surprising number of PD apologists and therapists who suffer from a PD themselves out there. Find someone that recognizes the abuse you suffered and is supportive and encouraging. And finally, cut this emotional vampire out of your life completely. 100% no contact. Every letter, email, voice mail, text, etc. straight to the trash. You will never, ever, ever get closure from her. The fantasy you have of that moment when she realizes that she was wrong and that you truly loved her, that she threw away the best relationship she'll ever have, where she tells you what she was thinking when she did all of these things, and she finally hears what you've been saying in a million different ways as things started to unravel...it's truly a fantasy, just like the relationship, and just like she was. She is a young child in the body of an adult. She has nothing to offer that can help you to heal. That's got to come from inside you. And while you're working through all the emotional shit from your ex, take some time to consider other people in your life. People who wind up in abusive relationships usually have an issue with boundaries and this attracts others just as fucked up as the first PD individual that caused all this turmoil in the first place. Think about how others make you feel and trust your gut. If you feel on edge around someone all the time, listen to this feeling. Good luck, man. You can totally do this. Sending positive thoughts your way :) |