[vvvnnnnvvv]

I had a miscarriage at 10w (baby measuring 6w). For many months, I was haunted by things like going in for my first doctor's appointment and seeing my empty uterus on the screen. I thought about all those people, like the receptionist in the waiting room, who said "congrats" even though there was nothing to congratulate me for. I opted for medical management but didn't take the drugs until the pain was unbearable. Although that was the single worst 45m of my life, I don't think about it as much.

I am pregnant again, but I am not the same. I am not excited, I am not making plans. We waited to tell our parents until 13 weeks. Even though I'm showing, I've told the people who absolutely need to know because I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to have a baby shower because I don't want to have to look all the stuff if the baby ends up dying.

I participate in /r/Miscarriage, /r/ttcafterloss, and /r/pregnancyafterloss. People there are sad about losses that happened months, years, sometimes even 10 years ago. They - we! - are triggered by pregnant women, our original due dates (next week for me), the idea of getting pregnant again.

It's a surprise to me that we're able to call this a discovery. I feel like a Native American talking to Christopher Columbus.

[mrkurt]

A bunch of my friends have had miscarriages, and this seems so common. I can't imagine the trauma and I get not wanting to celebrate. And you know what? I think it's ok to not celebrate.

We had a very stressful pregnancy (we were teenagers with no money and unhappy soon-to-be-grandparents). There was no joy in it, we tried not to tell anyone, and only two people said "congrats" when they found out. I'm sad about that to this day ... especially for my wife, who I think missed out on something a lot of women delight in.

Our other three kids came through foster care, they showed up with little notice and we adopted them several years later. There was no pregnancy experience.

So we've never celebrated a pregnancy, but we sure as heck celebrate our kids.

[big_chungus]

> So we've never celebrated a pregnancy

Historically, many cultures didn't even name a baby for the first week or so for this reason. There were typically justifications in tradition or some such, but the fact was that many infants simply didn't live that long and this reduced the emotional attachment. People carry out so much before birth these days that your solution may the best mitigation of a tragic circumstance (along with reducing rates of miscarriage, that is).

[epoxyhockey]

> So we've never celebrated a pregnancy

I’m sorry to hear this and it must make you sad every time you think about it.

I think it is very difficult to go through life, experiencing all of life’s milestones in the way we might wish.

Another example is in those fortunate to celebrate a work retirement party. Others may fall ill, take leave and quietly retire without returning to work and have no retirement party.

Life seems unpredictable, unfair. Knowing that makes celebrations of life, when we can have them, much more special.

[mrkurt]

The milestones take is insightful. :thumbsup:

[nikkikayauthor]

I am 30 w after 2 miscarriages and have felt exactly the same. The trauma I experienced when taking my kid to the ER for something totally unrelated was completely surprising. I write to help me process my feelings about the loss and the (hopeful) rainbow after the loss. It’s really surreal to be happy and excited after such a devastating set of losses.

https://psiloveyou.xyz/walking-the-tightrope-between-miscarr...

https://medium.com/messy-mind/emergency-room-flashbacks-871e...

https://humanparts.medium.com/when-are-you-due-450397a996d7

[tehlike]

We lost our first early in the pregnancy. I was really surprised how the doctor tried to keep a distance by calling it a fetus when my wife said "is my baby fine". Lets not get ahead of ourselves, doctor said. I thought it was cold, but also sensed bad news was on the way.

And after pregnancy, it was also very impersonal, nurses called my wife "mom" every single time, as if she had no personality. That also was probably helping newly minted moms cope with the confusion that comes after birth by reinforcing their status.

Weird experience, but definitely worth every minute of it.

[Al-Khwarizmi]

It felt good to me (and I think to her, too) when nurses called my partner "mom" after pregnancy. It was like when a sergeant performs some heroic deed in a book and the general suddenly calls them colonel: a hard-earned title (it took a lot of pain to finally earn it, and some fears of miscarriage before that...) to wear with pride.

They are very personal and emotional moments so I can totally see how it can rub different people different ways, though.

[tehlike]

I think calling her mom was ok, but saying things like "how are you" vs "how is the mom doing", "is mom feeling any pain" etc felt less personal.

[nikkikayauthor]

Oh yeah. I can see how that would be irritating to say the least. Please use second person and address me directly, don’t talk around me. I literally don’t remember anyone actually asking me anything until I was in the ER with 104 temp wondering if attempting to have a child might actually kill me instead. And even then it was like, “why you crying?”

[Al-Khwarizmi]

My partner and I were lucky enough that her pregnancy turned out fine in the end, but we had several scares during pregnancy (bleeding, visit to the ER, ultrasound that needed to be repeated because something needed was not seen...) so I can at least imagine what you have been through, at least to the extent a man who hasn't been through an actual miscarriage can. We also waited to tell our parents, and only told other people and celebrated very late in the pregnancy, due to fears of miscarriage.

Best of luck and best wishes to you. I hope it works this time. If it does, I'm sure everything will feel worth it.

[ephextom]

I hear you, and am sorry you've had to experience this. My partner has had several losses and so far no successes, but she is now at about 7-8 weeks into her latest pregnancy. So far it seems the most promising we've had yet, but we go for a scan tomorrow, so we'll know more then.

For emotional coping/healing we've been most helped by unconventional practices like energy kinesiology, NET [1] and acupuncture.

It's outside of mainstream psychology/science, but it's worked well for us, to find understanding and maintain optimism.

I'm confident further use of these kinds of practices will keep us from suffering long-term PTSD-type effects, but I've no doubt we'll always be affected by the experience, particularly my partner.

Best wishes to you.

[1] https://www.netmindbody.com/

[m_eiman]

I am pregnant again, but I am not the same. I am not excited, I am not making plans. We waited to tell our parents until 13 weeks.

I can relate to this. Our first pregnancy ended at week 10 or so. During the next three, my thought process can be summed up as "hurry up and get out of that uterus, I can't help you if something happens while you're in there". Very stressful months, especially nearing the due date.

[yibg]

My ex had a miscarriage when we were together. We were young and I don’t think we handled it properly mentally. Kind of just pretended it didn’t happen and moved on.

She’s pregnant again and it seems to be going better, but I noticed she was very hesitant to tell anyone about it until she had to. Also seems to be very cautious about the whole thing. Not making preparations until she has to.

We are friends and still pretty close. Any tips on how to support her through this?

[HappyDreamer]

I'm clueless about these things, still, here's an idea:

Ask her, maybe she'll tell you. Talk with her and share your thoughts, the things you wrote just above. -- Maybe can work, when you're still pretty close friends

Again I don't really know and maybe this is a weird idea.

[ocschwar]

My wife and I went through this more than once. This is why I don't offer women congratulations on learning they're pregnant. I don't go to baby showers. And I don't ask "are you excited?" I know I didn't get "excited" until my first child was three months old.

[acjohnson55]

If I might ask, what would be a better way to respond to pregnancy news, which is sensitive to the relatively high likelihood the other person may have experienced miscarriage?

[nikkikayauthor]

Yeah that’s a tough question to answer. My answer to “how’s it going?” Or “are you excited?” has to be carefully curated and edited based on who I’m talking to. I’ve gotten better at just saying “we’ve had a couple losses so it’s hard to get excited yet.” But as far as how I wish people would have responded to me instead - I’m coming up blank. I think coming at your response with the understanding that it’s not a straight line for many people, and having compassion when you respond, is enough.

[jjeaff]

>we’ve had a couple losses so it’s hard to get excited yet

Am I misunderstanding or are you saying that is generally what you try to tell people when they tell you they are pregnant?

I truly hope not. That has to be one of the worst things to say to someone who confides in you that they are pregnant. Unless of course they have already shared a similar thought with you, of course.

[nikkikayauthor]

You are misunderstanding. That is what I tell people when they ask me if I am excited about my own pregnancy. The first 20 weeks of the latest pregnancy were all hedging and trying to not get our hopes up.

[ocschwar]

I keep it limited to "oh, how nice!" as that does not take live birth as a given.

[davrosthedalek]

I think congratulating is OK, if you are congratulating the pregnancy, not that they will have a child. Many people struggle with that step, so it's something to be happy about.

The same way you congratulate somebody for being accepted at an university, not knowing whether they will make it to the PhD or not.

[agumonkey]

sounds like real and deep grief

ps: this prompted me to dig about classes of grief. https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families...

research has a notion of "complicated grief" when fhe process is somehow stalled for long.

[lidispher]

My spouse and I went through several miscarriages and multiple related medical procedures, including multiple D&Cs and other things.

The things we went through make a lot of sense after the fact, but it's surprising to me how many people wouldn't or couldn't understand, even afterward, even those who should have known better. On the other hand, we ourselves didn't really fully appreciate the extent of what the effects could be until everything happened, so maybe it just reflects limitations of the human mind.

Still, it was remarkable to me how often people would dismiss issues, assuming that because they had some minimal textbook understanding of what was going on, that they understood all the actual complications of the problems involved (in the "reality is more detailed than you think" sense). Not to empathize with us, but to minimize how upset they felt we should be, or to suggest we didn't really understand the situation and they did.

The "you should be excited and assume everything will work out because you're pregnant" assumption was also remarkably indelible in peoples' minds. At some point, we started doing the opposite, assuming that things wouldn't work out (because they hadn't worked out multiple times before that and were actually told by experts it wouldn't work out sans serious medical interventions). People would nevertheless discuss situations we found ourselves in, or things we did, puzzled by it, without questioning their basic assumption that someone(s) who are pregnant assume it will work out, that the pregnancy is viable, that they know that it is viable, that they understand why or why not it is viable, the likelihood of future pregnancies being viable, and are happy about the answers to all these sorts of questions.

We eventually had a child after we had totally abandoned any thought that it could happen, out of the blue, so there's that. But the entire experience left us with a deep sense of how little some will or can put themselves in others' shoes. It seems like the only places I can be sure understand are those healing after pregnancy loss groups and forums, maybe along with select therapists who specialize in these issues.

There's also a lot to be said about the medical system surrounding repeated pregnancy loss, the overselling of procedures, risk management, and how little is really known about who gets pregnant or not and why.

[phkahler]

Here's another persons story. She wrote it hoping it would be helpful to others going through similar things: From Pain to Parenthood

https://www.deannakahler.com/book-inner

Never thought an opportunity to recommend that would come across HN, but here we are...

[luckydata]

My wife and I had one right before we conceived our son. Getting pregnant again right after softened the blow for her considerably, and now she's fine. Medically it wasn't a great idea apparently, we were just not being very careful.

[turk73]

I know you don't want to celebrate, but you should. My wife had two in a row while trying for our 2nd child. It was really rough going for us circa 2007-2009. One of them required a DNC, which was just a miserable experience due to the "abortion" connotations.

We made it through together. When you have children you have to accept that you may lose them and must be prepared to handle it. Still in all, several years got eaten up there with worry, doubts, and fears.

We had a 100% healthy "Double-Rainbow" son in 2010, he's just about 10 years old now.

Keep your head up, be kind to yourself, and be aware that LOTS more people than you imagine have gone through this.

[stallmanite]

Sorry for what you’ve been through and congratulations on the happy ending. Can I ask what “double-rainbow” means in this context? Googling got me literal double rainbows.

[mikeyouse]

A rainbow baby is one after a miscarriage or stillbirth, “double rainbow” just means two losses. Very helpful to know if you are ever invited to baby showers as there can be some outward signs there that reflect some events that not everyone is privy to.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rainbow_baby

[skinkestek]

So that means I am a double rainbow kid. I didn't even know it had a name, but I know my Mom has told me she lost two before me.

[mrkurt]

It means a healthy baby after two miscarriages.

[ebg13]

Did you try including "baby" in your search?