[ocschwar]

My wife and I went through this more than once. This is why I don't offer women congratulations on learning they're pregnant. I don't go to baby showers. And I don't ask "are you excited?" I know I didn't get "excited" until my first child was three months old.

[acjohnson55]

If I might ask, what would be a better way to respond to pregnancy news, which is sensitive to the relatively high likelihood the other person may have experienced miscarriage?

[nikkikayauthor]

Yeah that’s a tough question to answer. My answer to “how’s it going?” Or “are you excited?” has to be carefully curated and edited based on who I’m talking to. I’ve gotten better at just saying “we’ve had a couple losses so it’s hard to get excited yet.” But as far as how I wish people would have responded to me instead - I’m coming up blank. I think coming at your response with the understanding that it’s not a straight line for many people, and having compassion when you respond, is enough.

[jjeaff]

>we’ve had a couple losses so it’s hard to get excited yet

Am I misunderstanding or are you saying that is generally what you try to tell people when they tell you they are pregnant?

I truly hope not. That has to be one of the worst things to say to someone who confides in you that they are pregnant. Unless of course they have already shared a similar thought with you, of course.

[nikkikayauthor]

You are misunderstanding. That is what I tell people when they ask me if I am excited about my own pregnancy. The first 20 weeks of the latest pregnancy were all hedging and trying to not get our hopes up.

[ocschwar]

I keep it limited to "oh, how nice!" as that does not take live birth as a given.

[davrosthedalek]

I think congratulating is OK, if you are congratulating the pregnancy, not that they will have a child. Many people struggle with that step, so it's something to be happy about.

The same way you congratulate somebody for being accepted at an university, not knowing whether they will make it to the PhD or not.