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My spouse and I went through several miscarriages and multiple related medical procedures, including multiple D&Cs and other things. The things we went through make a lot of sense after the fact, but it's surprising to me how many people wouldn't or couldn't understand, even afterward, even those who should have known better. On the other hand, we ourselves didn't really fully appreciate the extent of what the effects could be until everything happened, so maybe it just reflects limitations of the human mind. Still, it was remarkable to me how often people would dismiss issues, assuming that because they had some minimal textbook understanding of what was going on, that they understood all the actual complications of the problems involved (in the "reality is more detailed than you think" sense). Not to empathize with us, but to minimize how upset they felt we should be, or to suggest we didn't really understand the situation and they did. The "you should be excited and assume everything will work out because you're pregnant" assumption was also remarkably indelible in peoples' minds. At some point, we started doing the opposite, assuming that things wouldn't work out (because they hadn't worked out multiple times before that and were actually told by experts it wouldn't work out sans serious medical interventions). People would nevertheless discuss situations we found ourselves in, or things we did, puzzled by it, without questioning their basic assumption that someone(s) who are pregnant assume it will work out, that the pregnancy is viable, that they know that it is viable, that they understand why or why not it is viable, the likelihood of future pregnancies being viable, and are happy about the answers to all these sorts of questions. We eventually had a child after we had totally abandoned any thought that it could happen, out of the blue, so there's that. But the entire experience left us with a deep sense of how little some will or can put themselves in others' shoes. It seems like the only places I can be sure understand are those healing after pregnancy loss groups and forums, maybe along with select therapists who specialize in these issues. There's also a lot to be said about the medical system surrounding repeated pregnancy loss, the overselling of procedures, risk management, and how little is really known about who gets pregnant or not and why. |