[depressedfather]

I'm like her dad. Reading her story may have altered my path, for the sake of my daughters, for a bit longer, I guess.

I design software, I code, test and deploy. They think my work is good. It doesn't matter. I work until I'm tired and then I sleep. I hide my tears from my family. There's no joy in any of these projects, and I've lost all interest in my past side projects. I work so much I barely see my daughters before they go to sleep. If I stop working we'll be bankrupt within months.

[Nrsolis]

I'm going to post here under my real nick and hope you read my comments:

I was in a depressive state for close to twenty years. The loss of my mother at 10 put me there and instead of getting better I settled into my depression for the next twenty.

Twenty years.

I was irritable and emotional. I had few friends and I made the friends I did have pay for their mistake of being my friend. I made bad decisions and burned bridges. I drank too much. I had zero good romantic relationships and was getting worse. My career, the one good thing in my life, had stagnated. Nobody wants to work with an asshole.

SO one day, after breaking up with a girl, I finally decided to get help. I cried like a baby in the office of a therapist. She got me on medication and in four weeks I was a different person. I combined that drug therapy with talk therapy and completely turned my life around. It wouldn't be a stretch to suggest it's similar to hearing music for the first time or seeing color. I was able to smile and find joy in the world again. By almost every measure, my life improved. Things have only gotten better since then.

I want you to seek help. Make use of the opportunity to completely change the trajectory of your life by getting out of the mindset you're currently in. If you need medication, take it. If you don't, invest time in talk therapy. Find a therapist you trust and who is competent. If you don't like the one you get, find another. DO THE WORK.

Depression is like cancer of the mind. If you ignore it, it'll consume you until there is nothing left. Don't ignore it.

My current happiness is only tempered by the knowledge that I lost so much along the way by ignoring my symptoms. Don't be that guy. We have a small amount of time on this rock. Make it worth your while.

[depressedfather]

Thank you. It's been 40 years. When I was a teenager I didn't think I'd last that long. I will seek a therapist tomorrow. I don't quite understand how I can remain productive at work and everything else is a vast sea of sadness and anger.

[Nrsolis]

You're free to reach out to me if you'd like to talk. I'm not a therapist but I might be able to provide some encouragement and advice on finding a path to wellness.

[foobarqux]

Which medication changed your life?

[Nrsolis]

Zoloft.

I had a very strong opinion about psychiatric drugs: I hated the idea of them.

But when you are desperate, you'll try anything. And I was desperate.

SO I made a bargain with myself: drugs for a maximum one year. No matter what happened, I'd only try the drugs for one year.

After one year I didn't need them any longer. I was able to understand when I was entering a depressed state and adjust. Knowing what "good" felt like helped me understand what bad" felt like.

That's the bit that causes the growth and why you need to combine talk therapy with drug therapy.

I got lucky and found the right combo for me; someone else might have to try a few combinations to find what works for them.

[foxhop]

I just started Zoloft, 10mg, 4 months ago. I was desperate, I just wanted to be happy for Christmas for once, for my children's sake and it brought me back.

(brought me back: ability to smile and laugh. Ability to find amusement watching television [even my wife's shows], ability to think at work. No longer staring out my window wishing everything would end)

I have not put in the work to find a talk therapist, I really think I'm ready to do that now, I'm going to follow up on Monday and find someone.

[Nrsolis]

Here is the thing: the drugs are like a cast or a crutch. They help you heal.

The talk therapy is like learning how to get strong so you don't break bones or lose balance and fall.

They go together. You can do talk therapy without the drugs but that didn't work for me. The drugs got me into the right frame of mind to understand and process emotions. I could be mindful and see when I was irritated because depression was creeping back in.

I don't think depression is something you completely cure. I think it's something you manage your way out of and keep at bay with constant effort. Mental hygiene practiced with a professional goes a long way towards making that happen.

Look, I discussed some really gut-wrenching things with my therapist. I dug deep. I did the hard work. It wasn't fun.

But today I'm able to live without drugs or weekly visits to a therapist. I'm effectively in remission. And let me tell you man: I'm HAPPY.

[farresito]

The first thing I always recommend: start doing physical activity. It doesn't need to be much; 30 minutes a day (start with less if needed). The difference is significant. Give it a try, please. Start tomorrow. Go out for a run for a bit. I have been (and still am) in the same position as you, although for different reasons, and sport makes a big difference. Wish you the best and be strong. Your daughters admire you and you will get out of this. It's easier said than done, but take my word.

[gukov]

Low testosterone and other related things can give a man depression. Way too many intelligent people are depressed. I think one of the major reasons is the lack of physical activity typically associated with engineering fields.

[a3n]

> I hide my tears from my family.

Are you sure they don't see it? And if they see it, do they understand it for what it is, or do they misinterpret it?

Make an appointment on Monday 3/28 with your doctor, or with an EAP service if that's available to you, or county health, etc. Be clear about what the appointment is for, and get the soonest possible appointment (that day if possible).

I'm being successfully treated for depression. My depression and treatment is not your depression and treatment, but it's likely that there is effective treatment available for you.

Put it on your calendar right now to make the appointment on Monday. Your depression may be discouraging you from taking steps. Push through the fog, make and keep the appointment.

If you feel overwhelmed before Monday, call the emergency number. You're not wasting anyone's time, that's why they're working at the jobs they have.

Call Monday.

[depressedfather]

Maybe they sense some unease. They don't see the tears because they don't really see or hear me. I'll make a call tomorrow. Thank you.

[depressedfather]

Thank you for all the responses. I took a large life insurance policy a few weeks ago, but I'll look for a therapist on Monday. There's a hundred in Boulder, I feel paralyzed, I don't have time to figure them out. The few friends I have don't hear me. I do exercise and team sport, I eat decently well, those are not the causes.

[samcodes]

I've looked into it and I'm pretty sure you need to have the policy for two years for them to pay out for suicide. So, you may as well get on meds for that time, and who knows, they might help a lot. They did for me. I was on Prozac around 2004. About a year ago I sought out help again and I am on 3 different ones, and it just feels like more of a science than it did back then. "Oh you're still sad? More Prozac!"

So yeah, do therapy, but strongly consider a psychiatrist as well. Also, I have been looking into ketamine treatment for depression. If you are at the end of your rope, worth checking out as well.

[zo1]

>"I've looked into it and I'm pretty sure you need to have the policy for two years for them to pay out for suicide"

I was under the impression that most life-insurance policies don't pay out for suicide?

[a3n]

They do. It depends on the state how long they have to be in force. I think the idea is that a payout soon after starting the policy would encourage suicide (and payouts), but if you've had the policy for "long enough" you shouldn't be penalized for dying from a legitimate illness, which depression is.

[HCIdivision17]

As so many others note, keep trying stuff! You will, eventually, find a therapy that works for you. Me, some friends, coworkers, family - just a lot of people - have battled internally with depression. And we all cope a bit differently. Prolly because we all have something a bit different.

I never took medication. I think that was a mistake that added years to my recovery. I'm still not sure I'm a person yet (but I'm optimistic about it). I never had the crushing sadness many relate to depression, but rather the emotional void variant [0]; I can't imagine how crippling it must be to not only fake happiness, but to also have to compensate for genuine unhappiness... I hope you find what you need soon. I have an account at gmail (see username) if you feel safe venting to an anonymous person; just keep looking for something that gives you the contrast to see what feeling normal is like (not even feeling good! Just normal. Life is sometimes brutally sad for long periods. And that's ok. But if you can't imagine feeling differently then maybe the mind's chemistry has wedged itself.)

Anyhow, if anything else comes out of this rather large thread of responses, you ain't alone. It's hard to slog through and find what works for you, be it a next gen medicine, meditation, or an hour on the motorcycle every day, you'll find the thing(s) eventually. Just slog through it a bit longer.

Also: we seem to only have the one life, so procrastinate on ending it. You've a worst case of dying of old age or accident, then, and you may just be surprised to be in a better place a few years from now. Being able to look back is certainly a luxury I cherish, personally.

[0] http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-par...

It's so silly, but this is to me the best, most consice write up of depression I've stumbled upon. YMMV. But my friends and I were in tears laughing over it - but over different parts. Depression nails a lot of people in different ways, so keep trying to fid the fix for you. It really does exist.

[billmalarky]

>If I stop working we'll be bankrupt within months.

Is it possible to cut your cost of living significantly (by 50% or more through some extreme changes)? When the alternative is suicide, I'd imagine that almost _anything_ else is acceptable.

I know you don't have the energy for this lifestyle refactor since you're working two jobs and depressed. Can your wife take on this responsibility?

Lastly, bankruptcy is a greatly preferable option to suicide for your families sake.

[depressedfather]

My wife is unable, unwilling, to significantly change her irrational spending habits.

[1123581321]

Is there any way you can siphon a small percentage of your pay into a separate direct deposit account you control? Even $100 per month accumulating for an emergency will be encouraging. And since your wife apparently spends until your money is gone, she may just stop sooner.

[jacalata]

Have you seen a doctor? Called a helpline?

[depressedfather]

A long time ago. It didn't help.

[RickS]

Things have come a long way in that time. I shyed away from medicine ~2007 because the side effects were gnarly and I was scared it would change who I was.

I tryed em out about 3 years ago. It remains among the smartest things I've ever done for myself. The field has come a long way. I'm the same guy I always was, with lots less crushing anxiety.

If it's been a long time, give it another go. "I tried a cell phone in 2003 - it was shitty" sounds crazy. It's apples to oranges compared to what's available today. Turns out medicine is the same way sometimes.

[foobarqux]

Which meds?

[RickS]

lexapro - for general anxiety in my case but I understand it works well as a treatment for depression too, since they're so frequently comorbid

[chickenfries]

Try again for your family. You seem to care a lot about them.

Finding medication and a therapist that work for you is really hard. It can take a lot of work. But it's worth it. It won't fix everything, far from it, but it's worth it. Just keep taking it one day at a time.

[vmorgulis]

It's a disease. The problem is that there is no unique and universal treatment. It depends on the person.

You should try something like see a doctor and if that doesn't work try something else until it works and it can work and take a bit of time.

[GFK_of_xmaspast]

The thing about depression is that everybody is different and everybody responds differently to different approaches. Sometimes drugs work, sometimes therapy works, sometimes drugs combined with therapy works, and so on.

Give it another go. Worst case scenario is you waste some time and maybe have some side-effects.

[JabavuAdams]

Please try again. What have you got to lose?

I've had episodes in my life where I felt so trapped or constrained or ashamed that I thought about ending it.

I'm really glad I didn't. My thought process was broken. I would have devastated my loved-ones, and thrown away my life for deadlines / issues that no one cared about that much.

I have friends who have survived major depression and are mostly happy now.

There's hope!

[keithflower]

Please try again. Please see a physician.

[tcbawo]

Please make whatever changes you need to make to get back on track. Who cares if you go bankrupt? Being there for your family is the only thing that matters.

[javajosh]

What city do you live in? Maybe if you share that some people here could give you a good therapist referral - and the therapist can give you suggestions for a psychiatrist to perhaps try some medication in addition to counseling.

[vmorgulis]

I would recommend Person-centered therapy (Carl Rogers). It's a very human and soft approach.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Person-centered_therapy

[javajosh]

I think finding a good person is more important than modalities - and is often the trickiest part of the process. Which is (ironically) especially difficult for the depressed.

[vmorgulis]

>I think finding a good person is more important than modalities.

Yes it is. I've met many people before finding someone that I can trust a bit.

Carl Rogers was an interesting guy and he had a scientific approach (as I like understand how things work). It's a model that fit well to my mind.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMi7uY83z-U

I guess all models have nearly the same success rate.

[depressedfather]

Boulder

[danielvf]

Getting enough sleep? Do you have sleep apnea?

[agumonkey]

You're a single parent ? I hope you can find a way to avoid burning you out. As other said, when you can, take time off regularly. Good luck.

[rubyfan]

I hope the story has changed your path for good. Your family seems important to you. I bet you're really important to them too.

[pareci]

Try to get some sleep and talk to people 1-1, who may care about you. Give them some time.