[depressedfather]

Thank you for all the responses. I took a large life insurance policy a few weeks ago, but I'll look for a therapist on Monday. There's a hundred in Boulder, I feel paralyzed, I don't have time to figure them out. The few friends I have don't hear me. I do exercise and team sport, I eat decently well, those are not the causes.

[samcodes]

I've looked into it and I'm pretty sure you need to have the policy for two years for them to pay out for suicide. So, you may as well get on meds for that time, and who knows, they might help a lot. They did for me. I was on Prozac around 2004. About a year ago I sought out help again and I am on 3 different ones, and it just feels like more of a science than it did back then. "Oh you're still sad? More Prozac!"

So yeah, do therapy, but strongly consider a psychiatrist as well. Also, I have been looking into ketamine treatment for depression. If you are at the end of your rope, worth checking out as well.

[zo1]

>"I've looked into it and I'm pretty sure you need to have the policy for two years for them to pay out for suicide"

I was under the impression that most life-insurance policies don't pay out for suicide?

[a3n]

They do. It depends on the state how long they have to be in force. I think the idea is that a payout soon after starting the policy would encourage suicide (and payouts), but if you've had the policy for "long enough" you shouldn't be penalized for dying from a legitimate illness, which depression is.

[HCIdivision17]

As so many others note, keep trying stuff! You will, eventually, find a therapy that works for you. Me, some friends, coworkers, family - just a lot of people - have battled internally with depression. And we all cope a bit differently. Prolly because we all have something a bit different.

I never took medication. I think that was a mistake that added years to my recovery. I'm still not sure I'm a person yet (but I'm optimistic about it). I never had the crushing sadness many relate to depression, but rather the emotional void variant [0]; I can't imagine how crippling it must be to not only fake happiness, but to also have to compensate for genuine unhappiness... I hope you find what you need soon. I have an account at gmail (see username) if you feel safe venting to an anonymous person; just keep looking for something that gives you the contrast to see what feeling normal is like (not even feeling good! Just normal. Life is sometimes brutally sad for long periods. And that's ok. But if you can't imagine feeling differently then maybe the mind's chemistry has wedged itself.)

Anyhow, if anything else comes out of this rather large thread of responses, you ain't alone. It's hard to slog through and find what works for you, be it a next gen medicine, meditation, or an hour on the motorcycle every day, you'll find the thing(s) eventually. Just slog through it a bit longer.

Also: we seem to only have the one life, so procrastinate on ending it. You've a worst case of dying of old age or accident, then, and you may just be surprised to be in a better place a few years from now. Being able to look back is certainly a luxury I cherish, personally.

[0] http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-par...

It's so silly, but this is to me the best, most consice write up of depression I've stumbled upon. YMMV. But my friends and I were in tears laughing over it - but over different parts. Depression nails a lot of people in different ways, so keep trying to fid the fix for you. It really does exist.