[nephihaha]

What do they mean by "vulnerability" here? There is this constant redefinition of words. In mainstream usage, "vulnerability" is not a good thing as it means you are open to problems and can easily be attacked. They presumably mean it in the sense of being "open to your own emotions" or tender. Silly misuse of words for a serious subject.

[tene80i]

It’s not a misuse - it’s exactly the intended meaning and it is perfectly common in mainstream usage.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable means you are indeed open to attack. But it is also a large part of emotional connection. The alternative is being a fortress - with all the relationship problems that entails.

The very fact that you see vulnerability as “bad” is a perfect example of what that language is intended to highlight.

[aspenmayer]

> The alternative is being a fortress - with all the relationship problems that entails.

I’m reminded of the concept of siege mentality.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siege_mentality

> In sociology, siege mentality is a shared feeling of victimization and defensiveness—a term derived from the actual experience of military defences of real sieges. It is a collective state of mind in which a group of people believe themselves constantly attacked, oppressed, or isolated in the face of the negative intentions of the rest of the world. Although a group phenomenon, the term describes both the emotions and thoughts of the group as a whole, and as individuals. The result is a state of being overly fearful of surrounding peoples, and an intractably defensive attitude.

> Among the consequences of a siege mentality are black and white thinking, social conformity, and lack of trust, but also a preparedness for the worst and a strong sense of social cohesion.

[mewpmewp2]

Is vulnerable about letting people know how you feel or your weaknesses?

What about letting people know how you feel and your weaknesses while not caring if someone judges you for it? Is that being vulnerable or not?

[erikerikson]

I would say yes. Your weaknesses, if truly shared are weaknesses which can be used against you to hurt you and thereby you are vulnerable to them. Further, even if you don't care about the judgment of others then you can still be harmed by decisions of and social coordination between people who judge you.

We agree, assuming self knowledge, that the judgments of others tell you about them rather than about you.

[mewpmewp2]

This leads me to a conclusion that someone can only be truly vulnerable around people that you might consider toxic?

It's unavoidable in many cases, but I'd prefer a life where I would surround myself with people who tried to build each other and not take advantage of each other. I think it's definitely possible, and I think I'm pretty much there at least.

This leads me to the next point, which is that I don't think it's a problem about men unwilling to be vulnerable, it's more so about them happening to be around people who might use it against them (and it succeeding effectively, ergo there being a critical mass of people supporting this).

[erikerikson]

Not using a capacity may atrophy it but does not remove it. I haven't cherry picked with git in a very long time but I could if I wanted to. I'm not violent but physics still allows it. Toxicity is not required for people to be vulnerable.

I totally prefer the lift each other up crowd too. They exist, often in the same spaces as everyone else.

IMO, the problem comes down to a current inability to scale social knowing.

However, you seem to want to grind on an axe and I worry I might be getting in the way of that. I suggest you consider what has you activated and whether you can take away it's power to echo through and continue hurting you.

If you are currently a target of DV, reach out; there are lots of people and organizations who want to support you and have tools to do so. This may not apply to you but seemed appropriate place to remind us all.

[mewpmewp2]

> However, you seem to want to grind on an axe and I worry I might be getting in the way of that. I suggest you consider what has you activated and whether you can take away it's power to echo through and continue hurting you.

What do you mean by that? What axe?

[lazide]

If you are under attack, vulnerability is bad.

Historic ‘stoic male’ personas existed for a reason. Because in many situations, it works. Despite the complaining.

And being less ‘emotionally connected’ is valuable when people use that connection to exploit or hurt you. A very common experience for many men.

That people (especially women) then complain you won’t open up to them is a riot in those situations because it’s like someone complaining you keep putting on your bullet proof vest - while they keep shooting at you.

Historic male mental health issues also resulted. But notably, folks depending on the stoic persona for their own wellbeing would typically throw you under the bus for those issues too.

“How dare you get mad! You’re a dangerous threat!” says the person constantly harassing the person, or the boss putting you in worse and worse work conditions while pretending they are doing you a favor, etc.

They do that, of course, because mad people actually fight back. But if you need the job or are dependent on the relationship…

As many men have experienced, the only way to ‘win’ is shut off caring about what people say on that front - among other emotions.

[watwut]

> Historic ‘stoic male’ personas existed for a reason.

What are you talking about here. "Historic male persona" differs between periods and places, but anger, friendships and happiness are basically always parts of it.

Odysseus "weeps" and "cries". The whole romantic era was about overly emotional, passionate and sensitive guys.

[marginalia_nu]

Homer predates the stoics by several centuries, so that makes sense. Though I do think Homer does make a solid case of traditional male ideals being fairly emotional, and this is something that persists to modern day.

Achilles in particular spends half the Iliad sulking in his tent, and the other half making shish kebabs out of the Trojan army on a tireless revenge-rampage where he's so goddamn angry he picks a fight with a river.

These types of characters are still written today, John Wick is something of a superficial parallel.

Though it could be argued that Achilles lengthy sulking is diva behavior, few would argue Captain Kirk is effeminate because he's more emotionally driven than Spock, who in many ways turns the stoic ideals up to 11. Likely because despite occasionally chewing the scenery with emotional moments, he is still ultimately in control.

(It's also worth noting that neither Achilles or Odysseus were likely intended as ideals, but rather tragic extremes, and Homer's works largely deal with the consequences of their personalities; the pride and rage of Achilles like we just discussed, the pathological distrust and constant scheming of Odysseus protracting his journey and being the true source of many of his countless obstacles)

[lazide]

Even if it was written post-peak-stoic-era (it wasn’t), you still would probably not find many historic ‘stoic men’ as primary characters in a drama such as the Iliad. They would tend to be either scenery/setting, or somewhat uninteresting.

for good reason.

They are typically not very dramatic, and do the right thing - even in difficult circumstances. That is anti-drama.

They are the ‘good dads’. The strong leaders who make sure the right things actually happen. Etc.

They are not perfect, or superhuman. They can’t change the tide of a tsunami. But they do tend to make sure their family (and anyone who will listen to them without making their primary mission difficult!) also get to high ground at the right time.

If society actually listens to them, society might even build a high enough sea wall that the Tsunami doesn’t even destroy the city. That one is rare, however.

[nephihaha]

Repressing emotions is bad. Letting them stop you finding a solution is worse. I've found myself in bad situations a number of times. Sensitivity has its place but sometimes it is a hindrance.

[lazide]

Notice how I never said what you are disagreeing with, and if you read what I said, your question is answered?

[watwut]

I had no question. You also do not know what historical stoicism as a philosophy and behavior was, but I assumed actual historical stoicism was not the point.

My point was, you made up "historic stoic persona" based on conservative ideology. Not as something that actually characterized historical manhood.

[lazide]

Haha, Marcus Aurelis is very disappointed.

Tell me what I made up, eh?

The point of stoicism is to make your own decisions and be able to chart your own life by following principles you believe are just - in large part by avoiding being controlled by emotional reactivity/manipulation.

Not to cut out emotions all together, but to not be driven by them. Especially when someone is trying to induce them in you.

This often comes across as ‘stone faced in the face of extreme emotion’ - but doesn’t mean the person isn’t feeling them. Rather that they are not letting themselves be driven by or controlled by them in the moment, if they do not serve a useful purpose for them.

[andersonpico]

> (especially women)

It's always about that isn't it? Not getting the reaction you want, vilifying your interlocutor, then run crying with fingers in your ears screaming "lalala I didn't want it anyway" and declaring yourself a stoic is really indicative of the type of people who in the present day call themselves stoics.

This whole thread is just a long-winded version of redpill discourse, people who can see past minor adolescent romantic mishaps.

How pathetic is it to still model your whole life after women while pretending to be an isle of self-reliance? Men really are lost.

[triceratops]

I didn't see any vilification of women. Women value sharing and emotional vulnerability. It's how they bond with other women, who make up the bulk of their friends. Men's experiences with other men, the bulk of their friends, often make them wary of being emotionally vulnerable. Hence, naturally, a disconnect when a man and a woman are establishing a relationship.

[zozbot234]

Women value sharing and emotional vulnerability, but typically not from the males in their lives. There is a significant disconnect between average women and genuine male emotions, and males are expected to show emotional resilience and self-control first and foremost precisely to bridge that gap and then allow the 'sharing' to occur unimpeded, though still in a somewhat controlled way.

[watwut]

Are men expected to do so? Male anger is more tolerated then female anger. Also, if you look at men who are popular or get far, they are super emotional - Trump, Musk, Tate heck even Vance and Hengensberg.

Emotions driven males are cultural and political leaders literally now.

[amanaplanacanal]

It's possible you are hanging around with the wrong women.

[watwut]

OP blamed women for supposedly complaining that men dont open up. Men simultaneously have natural friendships with other men, but it is women fault men do not open up.

Por op, women are at wrong when they want men to talk (which is outrageous ask), but also cause of men not talking. Which includes men not talking to other men, which is also fault of women.

[triceratops]

> OP blamed women for supposedly complaining that men dont open up

Correct. And often accurate.

> it is women fault men do not open up

I don't think OP said that.

> Por op, women are at wrong when they want men to talk

Nor that.

> Which includes men not talking to other men, which is also fault of women

Nor that.

[lazide]

Never did I say such a thing at all.

[dennis_jeeves2]

>> (especially women)

>It's always about that isn't it?

>How pathetic is it to still model your whole life after women while pretending to be an isle of self-reliance? Men really are lost.

If I were to hazard a guess: he said it in the passing. You read into it a little too much.

[lazide]

Frankly, a large portion of these replies feel like some pretty clear cut projection. It’s impressive.

[dennis_jeeves2]

Yes, it's projection for sure. A large number of men appear to need validation from women. Pathetic. I guess from an evolutionary perspective it had to that way. Men who didn't need that validation worked themselves out of the gene pool.

[nephihaha]

I've been vulnerable in that sense a number of times. It was not a good or pleasant thing. Why would I wish to celebrate that?

[falcor84]

I don't think there's any redefinition here, and it's exactly this dichotomy that makes this a big issue. Vulnerability is indeed not "a good thing", but the issue is that the struggle to constantly keep yourself invulnerable at all times is a "worse thing", leading to many stress-related issues (amongst other problems). So the modern psychological advice, as I understand it, is to find particular people, spaces and opportunities where we can let our guard down, even at the risk of being open to attack, because the alternative is worse.

There's a stoic quote I love:

> our ideal wise man feels his troubles, but overcomes them

- Seneca, Moral letters to Lucilius/Letter 9 https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Moral_letters_to_Lucilius/Let...

The way I see it, if you never let yourself be vulnerable, you can never fully feel your troubles, and you cannot fully overcome them.

[mewpmewp2]

I guess the question is -> why do we need that guard in the first place?

Is this about other people being immature or looking to abuse us? Is this something that generally goes beyond school?

[Joeboy]

> Is this something that generally goes beyond school?

The things that make you vulnerable change depending on what year and situation you're in. I can very much get behind the idea that you should consider whether your legacy sense of what makes you vulnerable is relevant to your current circumstances. I'm not so much behind the "freely dispense the rope people will use to hang you" version.

[mewpmewp2]

There's a lot of abstraction in this thread, but I would like to hear specifics.

What are the exact vulnerabilities that we are talking about?

From my side I guess I can say I frequently feel like impostor type of things or that I'm not doing enough. I won't mention that at work, but I definitely share those feelings to my partner.

I would hate not being able to share something like that to my partner for instance.

I wonder what others are talking about?

[Joeboy]

When I was at school (and in the 20th century generally) admitting to anything outside traditional masculinity / heterosexuality made you vulnerable to physical / verbal attack. Which remains the case for a lot of people in the 21st century. If they want to be loud and proud then good for them, but I can understand it if they prefer to keep it quiet. Whereas, at least around me, now, I think you can come out as gay without too much concern for your physical safety.

Conversely, at my school you could be as overtly homophobic as you wanted with no consequences, whereas now you should probably be a lot more cautious if you harbour homophobic sentiments.

Talking about partners in particular, I've had partners I felt fairly safe sharing anything (most things anyway) with, and I've also had partners who would mine our conversations for any kind of viable ammunition. Which led to me being a bit more careful what I said. We can perhaps agree the first kind of relationship is better.

[mewpmewp2]

Yeah, I think the 2nd type of relationship is much worse than no relationship, I'd say the problem there wouldn't be with someone being vulnerable, it's the problem with the relationship...

Yeah, during school it's difficult since you are forced together with potentially toxic people. As an adult you can choose at least in personal life and to an extent workplace, although sometimes workplace can also be difficult to get right.

I'd 100% rather be alone than around people who might judge or use in someway against me anything about me. It would feel internally disgusting for me to think that someone might be trying to get at my expense and that I'm not around people who are there to try and build each other. What a waste of time.

[ben_w]

> Is this about other people being immature or looking to abuse us? Is this something that generally goes beyond school?

Yes to both.

Psychopaths do to everyone what everyone does to out-groups, and we're all someone else's out-group.

[akimbostrawman]

You really don't need to reach that far. As a man if you are too often vulnerable, too much, for the wrong reasons or at the wrong time you will loose the respect of your partner and soon after there love.

[mewpmewp2]

I guess that would depend on the partner? And what do you mean by vulnerability in that context that would make her lose respect?

And what do you mean by wrong times or reasons?

[zozbot234]

Most people seek emotional support, resilience and trustworthiness from their partner, and being excessively "vulnerable" can definitely hinder you from playing that role effectively. This is what can sometimes be experienced as a loss of respect. What you really want is to show a mere modicum of emotional vulnerability that your partner can then have some opportunity to empathize with, and not view you as overly brittle. But not more than that.

[squigz]

Not everyone's partner is that shallow.

[akimbostrawman]

Exceptions don't invalidate the rule. Everybody thinks there partner isn't right until they are.

[andersonpico]

divorced dad take

[akimbostrawman]

Crazy cat lady take. See I can make useless remarks too.

[mewpmewp2]

I think some concrete examples would be great. I think we need some examples of vulnerability too. Is vulnerability just about showing your actual emotional state? E.g. if you are depressed, anxious or nervous?

[Tarks]

My take is you've got the right reasoning but the wrong conclusion, I agree with your contextless definition of vulnerability and with the use of it in this context, vulnerability makes people vulnerable, by definition.

From my experience, the reason you'd risk being vulnerable is there are some things you can't achieve without doing so, it'd be like trying to do surgery with a scalpel on someone wearing platemail, or trying to detect radiation with a Geiger counter behind 20 meters of lead, for some tools to work properly they're required to be in a position where they're 'vulnerable', like eyes.

I think it's sad that performative emotions & vulnerability seem to be a popular thing to have to signal for acceptance. Which in my opinion is worse than nothing as at least when you're not faking something it's easier to agree that you haven't really tried it.

[andersonpico]

> I think it's sad that performative emotions & vulnerability seem to be a popular thing to have to signal for acceptance.

You only think it's performative because you think people are signaling. They're not and performative anything is not required for acceptance, but people are not accepting of others who deal with their social interaction in these terms and your very language betrays where you stand. These imaginary requirements for affection are not what's sad here.

[Tarks]

> You only think it's performative because you think people are signalling

You're correct that I think something because I think something else. You're assuming I'm unwilling or unable to tell the difference.

I don't see a betrayal to state that I think it's a shame that people that have copied a performative action, gotten nothing out of it and are then hesitant to try again because they feel they've already tried that avenue and had bad results. It's the same feeling of sadness I get when people have tried therapy, for whatever reason haven't gotten much out of it and then write it off as a sham.

I do get that you're saying 'aha ! I've detected your true intent through my clever analysis of your language' - consider your assumption "You only think it's performative because you think people are signaling. They're not"

They're not? You can state absolute facts with confidence about the people I've experienced in my life that you don't know anything about? That is either some amazing superpower or regular old conjecture.

It might help you to notice how many times I said I think or in my opinion, and how many absolutes you're willing to state.

[nephihaha]

Sometimes people do signal. I know people who do not cry and maybe need to, and others who can and do to try and get what they want. Some emotions are performative — look at the performative grief over Evita, Diana or even Stalin.

[oersted]

I think you are projecting the sense of the word from computer security onto people. But "vulnerability" always has that second sense in common speech, as in "showing vulnerability". If a person is actually open to being harmed in some way we use the phrasing "they are vulnerable to ...", which has quite a different meaning.

[nephihaha]

No, definitely not thinking in computer terms. I know the word from a completely different context. I think what they mean is sensitivity (which can be good or bad) and tenderness (which is generally good). But there are contexts in which it is not helpful. We have a problem with street violence where I live, and showing your emotional side to a potential attacker is not the best way of avoiding trouble.

[m4rtink]

CVEs basically.