[ben_w]

> Is this about other people being immature or looking to abuse us? Is this something that generally goes beyond school?

Yes to both.

Psychopaths do to everyone what everyone does to out-groups, and we're all someone else's out-group.

[akimbostrawman]

You really don't need to reach that far. As a man if you are too often vulnerable, too much, for the wrong reasons or at the wrong time you will loose the respect of your partner and soon after there love.

[mewpmewp2]

I guess that would depend on the partner? And what do you mean by vulnerability in that context that would make her lose respect?

And what do you mean by wrong times or reasons?

[zozbot234]

Most people seek emotional support, resilience and trustworthiness from their partner, and being excessively "vulnerable" can definitely hinder you from playing that role effectively. This is what can sometimes be experienced as a loss of respect. What you really want is to show a mere modicum of emotional vulnerability that your partner can then have some opportunity to empathize with, and not view you as overly brittle. But not more than that.

[squigz]

Why would I seek emotional support from someone so disconnected from their emotions they can't show more than a "modicum" of vulnerability?

How could I trust someone's resilience when they don't show they've been through things that built that resilience, and demonstrate it?

How can I trust someone who so closely monitors how much and what sort of emotions to show to me?

[zozbot234]

Why are you assuming that someone who sensibly refrains from overly impulsive behavior wrt. showing their emotions (this is what "self-monitoring" ultimately means: we all do it in all sorts of social contexts, and it's a normal part of being a healthy, well-adjusted person) must necessarily be "disconnecting" from them altogether and lacking in emotional resilience?

[squigz]

If you manage to "self-monitor" all the time, and never show more than a modicum of vulnerability, that seems very disconnected to me.

Perhaps 'disconnected' is the wrong word, but what I mean is that emotionally healthy people feel their emotions and express them, not just hold them at arm's length and pick and choose which to feel and express.

[mewpmewp2]

What could be examples of excessive vulnerability?

[squigz]

Not everyone's partner is that shallow.

[akimbostrawman]

Exceptions don't invalidate the rule. Everybody thinks there partner isn't right until they are.

[squigz]

Your experiences don't validate the rule, either.

[akimbostrawman]

Right I forgot we are on HN where we even need a scientific paper on "do women like weak vulnerable or strong confident men?" because nobody ever goes outside.

[zozbot234]

I bet that people who advocate for showing "vulnerability" are modeling this as a facet of strong confidence, and not opposed to it. But the thing is, if you really have reached the level of effortless confidence where that's a realistic prospect, you won't need that advice! You'll just be able to intuitively calibrate how much "vulnerability" to allow others, as a direct outcome of that strong emotional stability. Most people would probably be better off being told to be a little bit more guarded about their emotions.

[TRiG_Ireland]

I think you're working too hard to be pithy and are therefore forgetting to actually communicate.

[mewpmewp2]

What are some things that make a man seem vulnerable?

[squigz]

Not really, it's just that most of us are adults who have experiences with healthy adult relationships. "Is my partner going to leave me if I display emotional vulnerability" is not really a concern in healthy, adult relationships.

[andersonpico]

divorced dad take

[akimbostrawman]

Crazy cat lady take. See I can make useless remarks too.

[andersonpico]

your whole text above is useless for everyone but you, but I understand you can't contain how you feel about woman

[akimbostrawman]

Amateur level reflection

[mewpmewp2]

I think some concrete examples would be great. I think we need some examples of vulnerability too. Is vulnerability just about showing your actual emotional state? E.g. if you are depressed, anxious or nervous?