How do I figure out if I have some mental disorder or I am just dumb, lazy?

[cypherofreal1ty]

i am at a point in life where either i kill myself literally or kill the person i am (in personality, actions and thoughts).

my parents say that i am just looking for an excuse for my failures and they could be right, as they usually have been. Also, i have been unable to learn anything from mistakes and experiences throughout life and i haven't grown as a person at all. i am a 10 year old in a 24 year old's body.

i am at a wits' end on what the hell to do? i cannot see myself living like this anymore.

[I_Am_Nous]

This is a common issue with ADHD and autism, where no matter what you try you are too different to live as society "says" you should. Many people live for 30 years before getting help in the form of counseling or medication because these issues almost always feel like the person suffering from them "can't do what they are supposed to do" so that's also a common thing - you can kind of scrape by for a long time but eventually it's too hard to ignore.

It's also not something you can just "tough out with gritted teeth" because it's fundamentally not something wrong with you, it's essentially society expecting everyone to be able to just deal with what society requires when that's not always possible.

There is hope, and I'd advise talking to a professional if you can, and if not at least research ADHD symptoms and stories about how autistic people finally deal with how difficult life is when you are neurodivergent. It might help you realize that YOU are NOT bad, just different. Short example might be "dogs and cats kind of look and act similarly (both 4 legged mammals with a tail) but only one can easily climb a tree, and it's not a failing of the dog that it can't act like a cat and climb a tree."

[cypherofreal1ty]

The thing, is that this is not just about fitting in society (although that is an important part f it), but the most major one that has doomed me is some kind of aversion to just "doing" things, and i mean any thing, like exercise, grooming, learning, studying and so much more. This is combined with the fact that when i do try to learn something, i stop after sometime either because i feel tired or feel it is too easy and i am very smart and can easily learn it later.

the one time i did work hard in school, i did not get anywhere as good outcomes as the effort i put in. i live in a part of the world where money is very necessary (i mean, it is important everywhere) and to earn boatloads, you have to be exceptional, know the right people, be wily enough to catch opportunities and manipulate people but i don't have the capabilities to do any of this.

i am going to be honest, i have had big dreams and ambitions but i have never been able to put in the work to get to them because of multitude of reasons. so, i don't really know what to do anymore.

[solarmist]

This sounds like a maladaptive freeze response (fight/flight/freeze/fawn responses). My wife was the same way. She was basically completely shutdown physically and emotionally because before I met her she was stuck in an emotionally incestuous relationship with her father after her mother passed away.

It's taken more than 10 years (mostly because we didn't know anything about anything emotional until recently and therefore couldn't get her help), but she's finally getting past a lot of the symptoms you mention.

[cypherofreal1ty]

Good to hear your wife got better :)

I skimmed over maladaptive freeze response and from what i could understand, it affects a person in situations which were stressful for them in the past, but for me, i haven't had any extreme traumatic experiences that i remember, except bullying but my inaction has extended to normal, everyday things like academics which has been particularly emphasized by my parents and i have had a positive view of learning since early childhood but maybe due to low mental capacity, never really learned much.

[solarmist]

You don't need to have had abusive situations. Neglect, specifically emotional neglect can cause all of those symptoms.

Personally, I was physically taken care of but had an overly permissive parent who treated me like a roommate rather than a child and that was enough to cause decades of suffering and not understanding why I couldn't do things other people found easy and natural.

[cypherofreal1ty]

For a few years, my single mom had to raise me and we did not spend a lot of time together as she worked during the day and only came home at night, but from what i can remember, she has been a good parent always and i was the one who would have tantrums and meltdowns sometimes. i don't remember being neglected.

i can definitely relate with the last sentence haha, but you seem to have overcome it, how?

Also, i peeked around at your profile (sorry!) and see, this is what terrifies me. You have been coding since a young age, have worked in so many cool positions, even created your own software products. I on the other hand, first learned about programming when i was 14-15 and even tried learning it a bit before stopping idk why thinking i will learn later and instead daydreaming about making millions lmao. but i never was actually able to learn it, not just programming, basically anything people learn as they grow. My parents are still supportive and that makes it even worse since i did shit despite a good environment. There is this sense of doom that has taken over me and i don't know what to do.

[solarmist]

Might want to read about cPTSD (I recommend the book with the same name by Pete Walker as an introduction) or childhood emotional neglect. It looks similar to ADHD and/or ASD but has very different causes and is highly treatable. I was diagnosed as both, but it wasn’t until I really started digging into my emotions and past that I started making progress.

To your parents, I would say even procrastination isn’t intentional it’s the symptom, not the cause.

[cypherofreal1ty]

i can definitely see some similarities from a brief read up on cptsd but i don't know if it could affect me so badly that i literally procrastinated years away on things that i have been told are necessary, partly due to delusions of superior ability and partly due to feeling tired a lil bit after attempting some mentally consuming task.

[solarmist]

I feel that. I thought that way for decades. Specifically until two years ago when I was 41.

All that time I thought my neglect had given me strength and resilience. But it just made me inflexible and obstinate.

[cypherofreal1ty]

cptsd or not, i have realized i am pretty inflexible as well, which has really stalled my personal growth

[Calcumater]

Have you seen a medical or psychiatric professional? That would be my first recommendation. Defining any problem is the first step toward solving it.

[cypherofreal1ty]

i consulted an adhd specialist who said i am unlikely to have adhd, but could possibly have a personality disorder. i was supposed to go for another session later on but she had implied that i am only mentally capable enough to be a bagboy/cashier in a store.

But now that i think about it, she may have been right. My actions and beliefs do seem to point to a low intellect and i may be narcissistic.

[RGamma]

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

Good luck to you dealing with this unhinged mess that is called humanity.

[bell-cot]

Seek professional mental health care NOW.

If you've had sh*tty experience(s) with that, then seek better providers. They do exist, and can be found. Priority is their soft skills to help you, in your own situation. Fancy degree & certifications are not what you're looking for in a provider.

[cypherofreal1ty]

I have been seeking mental healthcare but i am not sure they understand the severity of my problems. i was prescribed meds but i keep missing to take them on time, as per suggested schedule.

this makes me doubt whether i have a mental problem or i am just a lazy, unorganized person who can't change my dysfunctional habits.