[cypherofreal1ty]

For a few years, my single mom had to raise me and we did not spend a lot of time together as she worked during the day and only came home at night, but from what i can remember, she has been a good parent always and i was the one who would have tantrums and meltdowns sometimes. i don't remember being neglected.

i can definitely relate with the last sentence haha, but you seem to have overcome it, how?

Also, i peeked around at your profile (sorry!) and see, this is what terrifies me. You have been coding since a young age, have worked in so many cool positions, even created your own software products. I on the other hand, first learned about programming when i was 14-15 and even tried learning it a bit before stopping idk why thinking i will learn later and instead daydreaming about making millions lmao. but i never was actually able to learn it, not just programming, basically anything people learn as they grow. My parents are still supportive and that makes it even worse since i did shit despite a good environment. There is this sense of doom that has taken over me and i don't know what to do.

[solarmist]

First step is to stop blaming yourself for everything. You are a product of your circumstances and upbringing.

Second step is to allow the possibility that even supportive parents can still make mistakes that negatively impact your ability to do the things you want to do. Neglect has nothing to do with the kind of person your parents are. This is not a moral judgement of your parents.

Third is to learn about and to accept and rely on your emotions. This is where I'm at and it's a long process, but the sooner you get started the soon you become unstuck.

Also, no one remembers neglect. How can you remember something you didn't have?

Good people can neglect things. Maybe they had an uncle/aunt who was supportive in a certain way so they didn't know they need to support they own children in that way. Or maybe they had their own issues they were working through and just didn't have the bandwidth or capacity to give something or other to their children. Again neglect is not a moral judgement.

[solarmist]

Just came across this. https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSDmemes/s/qwhx4B7IJI

Which links to

https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/what-is-pda-menu/what-is-deman...

This is something I struggle with but didn't have words for either.

It's a constant struggle to keep healing.

[cypherofreal1ty]

Thanks a lot for chatting with me :)

What do you think i should do now?

It is possible that i have no technical acumen and may not have anywhere close to an exceptional intellect to fulfill my dreams. That combined with the strong aversion to doing any tasks, whether mental or physical means i am basically a vegetable but i don't want to be.

i don't know if you can help me with this but no harm in asking. are psychologists who follow freudian methodologies effective? i got an assessment done with a psychologist who used tests like rorshcach inkblot test, thematic apperception test and some others.

[cypherofreal1ty]

i honestly dont know if this is an excuse but very frequently when i try to study, through lectures or textual content, i start feeling drowsy very quickly. i have been told this is not uncommon but idk

[solarmist]

Again I suggest reading cPTSD by Pete Walker. Specifically about the freeze type for F response. It can describe things much better than a random person on the internet can.