[bubblecheck]

Throughout childhood, I was subjected to serious physical abuse by my peers, as well as serious verbal bullying/psychological abuse.

I stood up to a long term bully with a below-the-belt comment, which led to extremely violent abuse from peers. One of the last incidents was on the property of a town police officer, before high school started (around 12 yrs old). The police officer stood by while I was horribly beat up (punched full blast to my balls) by a scumbag with a group of people behind him.

The physical abuse included acute trauma from repeated impacts via punches and full strength kicks to my head. Saw stars every time I was hit, like those old Batman comics.

I entered high school as a broken child with cemented learned helplessness. Never the same.

Now homeless and destitute. I became permanently suicidal after grade school, totally afraid of death. Trapped in an unwanted life. Just went homeless yet again last night suddenly. The one shelter here seems like a psyop of sorts: in view of wealthy people, under blinding bright lights. Fodder for the wealthy, like a dystopian plot in popular Netflix shows.

I now suffer from tinnitus and hyperacusis picked up from overexposure. I am a destitute middle aged white male college dropout. Suicidal all of the time. This time going homeless I have no vehicle to sleep in. It's warm here but I am unsheltered. Demoralized, defeated, and hoping to die.

I beg of God to forgive me and grant me peace in the afterlife, whether I am able to complete suicide now or later.

[suifbwish]

I once tried to help an acquaintance find a men’s homeless shelter. We probably called 15 at least but almost all of them deal only with women and children. It’s heartbreaking. Men who are homeless have very little resources compared to other demographics. Please try contacting some organizations where you can volunteer; often times they are filled with good people who would be happy to put you up in their home and help you find your feet. It may feel like all is lost but it never is. Sometimes it’s very difficult if not impossible to believe that but it is true.

[bubblecheck]

thanks for the kind suggestions

not going to try or do anything else again

too many cycles of failure

my only remaining desires are peace, rest, death asap, then nothingness

[mettamage]

> I was subjected to serious physical abuse by my peers, as well as serious verbal bullying/psychological abuse.

Same, we all were, my first school was a special needs school and kids were having all kinds of mental health issues.

> I entered high school as a broken child with cemented learned helplessness. Never the same.

I had the luck to be transfered to a normal elementary school after they tested me thoroughly at age 10. I was a wounded kid, the teacher at that school patched me up.

> Trapped in an unwanted life.

I feel that we all have this to some extent. In all cases, I've noticed that a stoic mindset (and ok sleep combined with ok food) is the only thing that helps.

> I beg of God to forgive me and grant me peace in the afterlife, whether I am able to complete suicide now or later.

I've noticed suicidal ideation comes and goes. Because of that, it'd be a mistake to ever give in IMO. With that said, it seems you need help but I am in Europe. So I am not sure how to give it.

Ask HN: Assuming bubblecheck lives in the US can someone from the US (or a group from the US) help bubblecheck?

Feel free to email me, if you want someone to talk to.

[bubblecheck]

I have been steadily suicidal for a long time and have not completed it.

No help is requested or required.

I am now 100% unsheltered and in survival mode. I didnt sleep last night due to this.

I am charging my phone at a food establishment here. Then I need to decide between unsheltered sleep and use the last of my cash for a rope, which will be a waste since I am scared to face death.

I've bought and discarded complete, 100% planned inert gas setups with regulator, bag, etc, all planned incl ropes to hold my hands down

I've bought and discarded numerous ropes over the years, most suitable for the less common drop hang.

While I do oscillate, it's only between "suicidal ideation daily" and "i am executing on a plan to attempt completion."

I can count the weeks on one hand where I've gone entirely without suicidal thoughts, since decades ago. It's constant, just varies in intensity and highly situational - eg my shelter is gone and I am back contemplating the end

the thing is. I dont want help, I dont really want any more advice or ideas. Prolonging an unwanted life is burdensome to others; now to kind strangers on hn. It's a pattern that I wish to break but unfortunately I will not seek to rebuild a life again.

This really leaves scraping the bottom to survive while avoiding outright suicide plan follow-thru. right now i am stuck trying to decide between unsheltered homelessness in an unwanted life, in pain anyway, and just getting it over with anyway

__

The fact is, I gave up at age 11. I decided that I would not participate meaningfully in a corrupt society that tolerates abuse and violence. As per the study, leaving these matters unresolved turned out causing me and my loved ones a great deal of pain. When others hurt you, you are responsible for self care unless (and until) civil compensation is sought and awarded. That isn't feasible for children except in egregious cases of intentional harm.

What got me was how the bully increased his ongoing abuse against me once he saw it was hurting me. Behind my back or to my face, "Just teasing you." No, bully, telling me that my parents are garbage, my family is shit, and that I'll grow up to be a serial killer because your abuse hurt me is blatantly malicious. Totally unprovoked multi year bullying, obviously hurting me, no response from teachers -- finally broke me. The truly damaging physical abuse started thereafter. I forgive you, but the damage was extensive, and snowballed into a lifetime of torment inc'h aforementioned extensive physical abuse. I am totally ruined.

The hard reality: it was 100% on me or my family to address my needs to defend against this early on. We are responsible to protect ourselves. You can't expect a school to step up esp when you're in an atheist (non church going fam) in a highly religious/tribal affluent community.

I've gone the other way entirely, self-sabotage and positioning myself to be taken advantage of repeatedly; a theme that plays out consistently, further cementing cynicism about human culture.

Violence in popular culture and justified by national military apparati causes cognitive dissonance in a child who seeks peaceful interactions, but is instead exposed to systemically-condoned violence.

[tomcam]

Had many of the same experiences, though thank heavens I did not wind up with tinnitus.

Being unsafe in your own house and your own school and your own neighborhood is almost unimaginably difficult. No place to go, no money , no lockable closets or neighbors houses or school programs. I remember it all like it was this afternoon even though it was 50 years ago.

When I was age 11 I decided I would try to survive so I could get the fuck out of my neighborhood and never come back. That was the one counterbalance to my suicidal thoughts that persisted until I was 15. I’m also a college dropout but was able to teach myself programming and to bootstrap a good life.

And the tinnitus. Fuck. It is hard for other people to understand what you’re going through with the chronic conditions, but they just sap the interest in living like nothing else.

My heart is with you, brother.

[kingcharles]

I've been suicidal most of my life, and it was made way worse from 8 years in jail due to mental health problems. I just got out. I was heading for a homeless shelter, but someone took me in. If I can help you in any way, let me know. Even if you just want to talk. I've been through a lot of the same experiences as you. I got tinnitus too from COVID when I was in jail. My email is on my profile. I will reply.

[rambambram]

I feel for you. Don't know what to say. Just know there's a human being thinking about you.

[jimmygrapes]

I can relate to much of this, and will not do you the disservice of trite "thoughts and prayers" or "sorry this happened to you". I will, however, let you know that sometimes it works out despite the pain and misery. You mentioned you're terrified of death yet suicidal; this is completely understandable to me, and I have shared this feeling (still do sometimes) most of my life. It's also what I used to regain what I thought I'd never recover (dignity, self control, and even hope for the future).

What it came down to for me was acknowledging the fear. When the only choice seems like death, and death is too terrifying to even embrace properly, what else in life could be anywhere near as terrifying?

If there is any thing you have not tried for fear of rejection or complication or social exile, now is the time to consider them. When there's no way out, when your back is up against the wall, that is when to fight the hardest.

Good hunting.

[bubblecheck]

I am hoping to complete suicide as my next major move.

[filters]

> The physical abuse included acute trauma from repeated impacts via punches and full strength kicks to my head. Saw stars every time I was hit, like those old Batman comics.

Laws usually protect adults from such treatment. How come the courtesy not extended to, uh, not-yet-adults especially given the high stakes? One of the loudest political cries in the west(especially, America) is "thinka-da-chillins". Is that an empty virtue signal? I mean people in the US act like a stray nlpple on prime-time TV will scar half the population for life, yet this is something that'll buff out? Neurotypicals are a mystery sometimes :)

[bubblecheck]

I heard that child:child violence is not tolerated any longer, at least not to the same extent as what I experienced decades ago.

[exikyut]

Your comment is currently floating at the top of this thread, creating an awesome opportunity for people to reach out to you privately. You have no contact info in your profile! A throwaway email address could be a consideration. Also, where are you located, roughly, say state-wise or so?

Squinting from a very specific angle, I honestly wonder if a self-defense class could be useful here - not predominantly for the mechanical teaching, but from the fact that (if you actually have a good teacher) you integrate what you learn on top of a balanced framework of refined self-control/mastery. Opining very naively, I wonder if the meta-control (you can control your emotions (you are capable (you can defend yourself))) you would achieve via what would amount to unorthodox exposure therapy would present enough of an emotional/logical contextual scaffold of what balanced capability basically looks and feels like that you would be able to just drink that in for a bit and then see where you go from there. Ideally you'd smooth out the bumps with competent psychological support, but this could get you <significant>% of the way there.

[crakenzak]

It’s absolutely gut wrenching to read your experience, no one should ever have to go through that. Please if you’re ever having suicidal thoughts speak to a suicide hotline specialist. I almost lost a friend to suicide and he was really helped by talking to non judgmental people who genuinely wanted to help.

Hope you’re doing great, and life gets better.

[s5300]

Just a heads up, suicide hotlines are an absolute joke, especially for those in long-term/drawn out situations like OP’s

They typically result in nothing more than police showing up to your house, carting you off to a place that will end with thousands of dollars of medical bills & no meaningful help.

I’m glad you know somebody who had a positive experience, but it’s really not the norm.

[haswell]

If anyone is reading this comment and needs help, hotlines are absolutely not just a complete joke.

Hotlines do tend to be staffed by volunteers, and there are bound to be circumstances that are not handled as well as they could’ve been. But the opposite is also true.

But if you need help, call.

To the parent comment, some anecdotal opinions are best left unshared. This is one of them.

[s5300]

https://www.politico.com/news/2022/01/28/suicide-hotline-sil...

[haswell]

I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish here. This neither adds to the discussion nor helps the GP. There's a time and a place, and this thread is not either.

[bubblecheck]

I just became homeless again last night. Thanks for your thoughtful suggestion.

[fractallyte]

Don't give up.

The best thing you can do is to get a handle on your past: read about trauma (The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel Van Der Kolk), and try to connect with a trauma therapist.

Trauma often manifests itself in physical symptoms. There are paths that lead to healing...

There is hope, there are people who will understand, and you deserve it.

[bubblecheck]

death is the ultimate gift, assuming there is no existence beyond our human life

stopped trying to cope years ago, on my way out

[exikyut]

For a while I've been keeping my eye out for short-circuit approaches that aid in questioning the assumption that "this existence is it", and provide a useful level of signal in circumstances where I'm significantly preoccupied with arbitrary suboptimality and don't really have the opportunity to focus for whatever reason.

For what it's worth, I haven't found anything yet. It seems that the be-convinced-in-ones-own-mind problem requires focused consideration by definition.

Just saying.

For my own part, I have this visceral unease that I don't think will go away until I have absolute (end-to-end, closed-loop) confidence in Something.

[fractallyte]

Today I read Yasmeena's Choice, by Jean Sasson (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18376565-yasmeena-s-choi...)

There was a girl, Lana, 16 years old. She fought, all the way...

It's horrific, and sobering, and may help you to get a perspective on your troubles.

[akomtu]

That's a rich assumption, perpetuated by those who choose comfy ignorance. The ultimate gift is reason that lets us foresee consequencies without experiencing them. Also, someone who has nothing to lose wouldn't live like that. If I had a terminal stage cancer and one month left, I wouldn't sit and waste time.

[animal_spirits]

I hope you find the peace in life you are searching for, brother. I love you and wish you success in life.

[bubblecheck]

thank you for your kind words

[nums]

Hoffman Process is life changing

[bubblecheck]

thanks. it wont cure tinnitus/hyperacusis which has robbed me of my ability to focus on difficult tasks.

[amriksohata]

Please seek help, suicide is not the answer. Seek help and I pray for you

[tomcam]

I’m so sorry, my man. My very best to you.