[jimmygrapes]

I can relate to much of this, and will not do you the disservice of trite "thoughts and prayers" or "sorry this happened to you". I will, however, let you know that sometimes it works out despite the pain and misery. You mentioned you're terrified of death yet suicidal; this is completely understandable to me, and I have shared this feeling (still do sometimes) most of my life. It's also what I used to regain what I thought I'd never recover (dignity, self control, and even hope for the future).

What it came down to for me was acknowledging the fear. When the only choice seems like death, and death is too terrifying to even embrace properly, what else in life could be anywhere near as terrifying?

If there is any thing you have not tried for fear of rejection or complication or social exile, now is the time to consider them. When there's no way out, when your back is up against the wall, that is when to fight the hardest.

Good hunting.

[bubblecheck]

I am hoping to complete suicide as my next major move.