[exikyut]

Your comment is currently floating at the top of this thread, creating an awesome opportunity for people to reach out to you privately. You have no contact info in your profile! A throwaway email address could be a consideration. Also, where are you located, roughly, say state-wise or so?

Squinting from a very specific angle, I honestly wonder if a self-defense class could be useful here - not predominantly for the mechanical teaching, but from the fact that (if you actually have a good teacher) you integrate what you learn on top of a balanced framework of refined self-control/mastery. Opining very naively, I wonder if the meta-control (you can control your emotions (you are capable (you can defend yourself))) you would achieve via what would amount to unorthodox exposure therapy would present enough of an emotional/logical contextual scaffold of what balanced capability basically looks and feels like that you would be able to just drink that in for a bit and then see where you go from there. Ideally you'd smooth out the bumps with competent psychological support, but this could get you <significant>% of the way there.