[jacobtracey]

What a bitter, twisted thing to write about a dead person.

It seems her husbands problems have become a large part of her identity, and what greater way to feel better than write an opinion piece about how shitty he was in the NYT?

[obstacle1]

Classic alcoholic strategy for keeping the problem under wraps: enforce silence on the issue via shaming and guilting anyone who talks.

The more air, the better.

Sorry you have/had to go through it too.

[aaron695]

> Classic alcoholic strategy for keeping the problem under wraps: enforce silence on the issue via shaming and guilting anyone who talks.

Nonsense, what plant does this happen?

There are heaps of movies on the issues of alcoholism. There are many many support groups.

Who on earth would shaming or guilt anyone who talks? Do you hang with monsters? Or is this in your head?

[obstacle1]

>There are many many support groups.

Go to one, and they will tell you how they employed the strategy I'm talking about when drinking.

[mikecmpbll]

My immediate gut-feeling after reading it was the same (though perhaps less strong). Through the author's journey, the article seems to suggest there's either guilt or blame, and no possibility of an in-between feeling of "it was out of my control." Still, a very interesting read.

[JesperRavn]

From my reading, the author didn't connect these two issues. It's just that perspective, and time, lead her to realize that her husband's death wasn't her own fault, and also allowed her to feel anger at her husband for his actions.

[aaron695]

He's dead, he doesn't care and she might be his only surviving family.

I would agree if he had a lot of family it would be hurtful to them and as such should be not have been written as it is.

You could defiantly see a human, mixed up, spitefulness in it. But I think as an article it had a lot of value and this was part of it, she's still not over it.

[lamuerteflaca]

Airing things out is quite healthy.

[mylons]

He drug her down with him. There's no excuse for that.

[Mr24601]

Its generally incorrect to moralize (ie no excuse) anything, especially an addiction.

[jacobtracey]

I wasn't excusing anything, simply stating that perhaps airing ones dirty laundry - particularly about a dead person - in a newspaper no less, just seems bitter.

[vacri]

It's comments like this that shame people talking about hard times in their life, and help perpetuate the problem. The author even leads off with how she's shamed into not talking about the problem.

The article is also not the hatchet-job you're painting it as. She's not abusive towards her late husband, but talking about how the alcoholism screwed them both over. By shaming people into not talking about this, you're also preventing people from finding parallels in their own life, or finding out about support groups.

[grayclhn]

Don't be too harsh, you don't know what the commenter's going through either. :)

[vacri]

heh, but what if I'm going through something, too? :)

[jacobtracey]

She claims to be ashamed to admit to a periodontist that her husband died of alcohol related causes...

Then proceeds to describe on a hugely trafficked website how he urinated in a basement sink every night and left her with $64,000 of credit card debt.

I have no desire to shame anyone, it's written now - again I simply stated that it felt bitter to me. Having spent 15 minutes reading her blog, it seems that is a reasonable description of her current mental state.

[vacri]

Human emotion is a complex thing. Clearly she's hit a wall where she's tired of having to hide what happened, and is using an appropriate venue for discussing it - an opinion article. The article wasn't trying to shame or defame her late husband, but describe the kind of events that happened to her and how they affected her.

It's very clear that you were trying to shame writing about this taboo, at least in your initial comment. You weren't 'simply stating', but were making value judgements - the writing was 'twisted', and she was trying to make herself feel better by shitting on her husband. She may well be in a poor mental state, but it's been six years since the guy died. How long do you want to keep up "don't speak ill of the dead"? By maintaining that taboo in an ongoing manner, you're preventing people from getting better by talking about the bad things they encountered with the deceased person.

[jacobtracey]

Personally I don't feel that airing someones dirty laundry on a huge website is an appropriate venue. Isn't this exactly what support groups like AlAnon and therapy aim to address in a more delicate manner?

[marincounty]

I'm having a hard time writing this comment because it's bringing up so many bad memories. My grandfather, and father died of liver cancer. Their deaths were horrid, but the agony my father went through was beyond painful. Alcohol use in our family was encouraged. I probally should stop writing because I'm feeling physically sick now, but I want to finish this. While my father was not a kind man, I can't blame his personality on just the alcohol. He was actually easier to be around when he was drinking.

Growing up and through my adulthood, there was one thought he shared with me in so many conversations. It was this, "I really think I would like the feeling of opium?" As a child, I didn't really know what he meant? I knew he was talking about drugs--and I found it weird because my father didn't break the law. As a child, I wished my father could relax. He was always so tense. I remember praying for him. At that point in his life he was a light drinker.

As I got older, I realized what he was getting at with all those Opium comments. I realized I couldn't relax either. I tried to fight the urge to settle my nerves with alcohol, but I eventually had a nervous breakdown(life, 20's, genes, not alcohol related), and the only thing that slightly settled symptomology was alcohol. I finally found the right psychiatrist, and he gave me some relief with medication, but it wasn't enough. For years alcohol is the only thing that helped me get through the day. Fifteen years go by and I'm finally prescribed a drug that settled my nerves, but I don't know what damage I did to my body?

When I read her post, I remember how my mom blamed All my father's problems on alcohol. She would yell, scream and through objects at him. It got so bad, I think he was drinking more because she was so angry?

My mother didn't drink. My mother was just an angry person. She had a good heart, but the anger always got the best of her. She was basically angry with herself, angry over her childhood, and looking for a scapegoat. My mother lightened up as she aged, but used my father's alcoholism as an excuse to vent her emotions.

When I read this article, I felt bad for the wife, but I remember how my mother blamed everything on the drinking. I'm not saying his wife is like my mother. I don't know why this professor drank himself to death. I'm just slightly taken back when I read stories like this. I wonder if a story like this would be published if the genders were reversed?

I am in no way questioning this lady in any way. I do have extreme empathy for most alcoholics though, especially the one's that are self-medicating. There are some drugs that alleviate the need to drink, but they are only prescribed by a small percentage of Doctors. In the U.S. these drugs are currently under fire by politicians. Doctors are becoming reluctant to prescribe like they used to. I'm not going to name the drugs because I don't want to expose my identity, but one of the drugs is Klonopin(A benzo with a long half life). My wish is politicians would leave medical doctors alone. Again, I'm not questioning this lady. I know she suffered. I am guilty of spilling out my own problems?

[RebaPetecock]

"I'm finally prescribed a drug that settled my nerves"

What was it?

[grayclhn]

A more charitable interpretation is that she is sharing her experience because she felt like no one she spoke to had a similar experience and wants to reach out to other people in the same boat. She writes the first part ("no member’s situation was similar to mine") but the second part is speculation.

If you look carefully, you'll see that it's a post on a blog that deals with end of life issues, so rest assured that it's not a newspaper and every entry probably deals with dirty laundry about dead people in some way.

[Aloha]

We talk about the dead as if they were saints... "never hurt a fly, a wonderful person" and so on, why? speaking of the dead as if they had no flaws prevents the grieving process from getting underway.