[vacri]

It's comments like this that shame people talking about hard times in their life, and help perpetuate the problem. The author even leads off with how she's shamed into not talking about the problem.

The article is also not the hatchet-job you're painting it as. She's not abusive towards her late husband, but talking about how the alcoholism screwed them both over. By shaming people into not talking about this, you're also preventing people from finding parallels in their own life, or finding out about support groups.

[grayclhn]

Don't be too harsh, you don't know what the commenter's going through either. :)

[vacri]

heh, but what if I'm going through something, too? :)

[jacobtracey]

She claims to be ashamed to admit to a periodontist that her husband died of alcohol related causes...

Then proceeds to describe on a hugely trafficked website how he urinated in a basement sink every night and left her with $64,000 of credit card debt.

I have no desire to shame anyone, it's written now - again I simply stated that it felt bitter to me. Having spent 15 minutes reading her blog, it seems that is a reasonable description of her current mental state.

[vacri]

Human emotion is a complex thing. Clearly she's hit a wall where she's tired of having to hide what happened, and is using an appropriate venue for discussing it - an opinion article. The article wasn't trying to shame or defame her late husband, but describe the kind of events that happened to her and how they affected her.

It's very clear that you were trying to shame writing about this taboo, at least in your initial comment. You weren't 'simply stating', but were making value judgements - the writing was 'twisted', and she was trying to make herself feel better by shitting on her husband. She may well be in a poor mental state, but it's been six years since the guy died. How long do you want to keep up "don't speak ill of the dead"? By maintaining that taboo in an ongoing manner, you're preventing people from getting better by talking about the bad things they encountered with the deceased person.

[jacobtracey]

Personally I don't feel that airing someones dirty laundry on a huge website is an appropriate venue. Isn't this exactly what support groups like AlAnon and therapy aim to address in a more delicate manner?

[grayclhn]

Dude, that's exactly what you're doing here. But your anger towards the author is a lot more mysterious than the author's anger towards her dead husband. If you're wondering why someone would write an angry comment on the internet that you think reflects badly on her, look inward.

[jacobtracey]

I'm not airing anything except I think her article was bitter - you can read into that until the cows come home.

[vacri]

I think it's a perfect place for it. Rather than kicking it into the shadows, in private sessions where you only hear these things if you specifically get off your arse and go there, instead you encourage wider discussion, and show other people who won't or can't go to those options that they're not the only ones having these issues.

Alcoholism and the destruction of lives is a depressingly normal story. It's hardly 'dirty laundry' (another term of shaming) in the context provided - the author wasn't point-scoring off her dead husband, and you weren't forced to read the article. Relationships have ugly sides, and by exposing that, we help people better understand their own.

Also, it's an opinion piece, in a section called The Opinion Pages with the section title Opinionator, and even the domain has 'opinion' in it. An opinion journal would be pretty dull if it steered away from social taboos. People read opinion pieces to get different views on things (sometimes heatedly emotional), outside of the supposedly dispassionate journalistic norm.

[Thriptic]

I understand your stance; perhaps at the very least she should have used a pseudonym to protect her husband's family and friends. With that being said, we are only being exposed to a portion of the story which she has decided to share in a certain way. There may be circumstances which she chose not to mention out of respect for her husband's legacy or her pride. What if her husband was not only verbally abusive but physically abusive? What if his friends or family blame her for his alcoholism or death? We don't know the full context driving her decision to publish this in NYT, so to immediately dismiss her move as inappropriate seems a bit callous.

Her story also might help other people watching loved ones deteriorate take action before it's too late, or may help people grieve following the death of a loved one under similar circumstances. This alone may be sufficient justification for her actions.

[marincounty]

I'm having a hard time writing this comment because it's bringing up so many bad memories. My grandfather, and father died of liver cancer. Their deaths were horrid, but the agony my father went through was beyond painful. Alcohol use in our family was encouraged. I probally should stop writing because I'm feeling physically sick now, but I want to finish this. While my father was not a kind man, I can't blame his personality on just the alcohol. He was actually easier to be around when he was drinking.

Growing up and through my adulthood, there was one thought he shared with me in so many conversations. It was this, "I really think I would like the feeling of opium?" As a child, I didn't really know what he meant? I knew he was talking about drugs--and I found it weird because my father didn't break the law. As a child, I wished my father could relax. He was always so tense. I remember praying for him. At that point in his life he was a light drinker.

As I got older, I realized what he was getting at with all those Opium comments. I realized I couldn't relax either. I tried to fight the urge to settle my nerves with alcohol, but I eventually had a nervous breakdown(life, 20's, genes, not alcohol related), and the only thing that slightly settled symptomology was alcohol. I finally found the right psychiatrist, and he gave me some relief with medication, but it wasn't enough. For years alcohol is the only thing that helped me get through the day. Fifteen years go by and I'm finally prescribed a drug that settled my nerves, but I don't know what damage I did to my body?

When I read her post, I remember how my mom blamed All my father's problems on alcohol. She would yell, scream and through objects at him. It got so bad, I think he was drinking more because she was so angry?

My mother didn't drink. My mother was just an angry person. She had a good heart, but the anger always got the best of her. She was basically angry with herself, angry over her childhood, and looking for a scapegoat. My mother lightened up as she aged, but used my father's alcoholism as an excuse to vent her emotions.

When I read this article, I felt bad for the wife, but I remember how my mother blamed everything on the drinking. I'm not saying his wife is like my mother. I don't know why this professor drank himself to death. I'm just slightly taken back when I read stories like this. I wonder if a story like this would be published if the genders were reversed?

I am in no way questioning this lady in any way. I do have extreme empathy for most alcoholics though, especially the one's that are self-medicating. There are some drugs that alleviate the need to drink, but they are only prescribed by a small percentage of Doctors. In the U.S. these drugs are currently under fire by politicians. Doctors are becoming reluctant to prescribe like they used to. I'm not going to name the drugs because I don't want to expose my identity, but one of the drugs is Klonopin(A benzo with a long half life). My wish is politicians would leave medical doctors alone. Again, I'm not questioning this lady. I know she suffered. I am guilty of spilling out my own problems?

[RebaPetecock]

"I'm finally prescribed a drug that settled my nerves"

What was it?

[marincounty]

I've spilled out too much personal information on this site. I'm afraid I could be fired if my company found out I was on this drug. I think some of my coworkers are on this site. I can guarantee the drug is no cureall. Some people are having a hell of a time getting off it. I was prescribed the drug for a condition other than alcoholism. I'm still not convinced if it was the worst mistake of my life, or it really helped my condition? If you are really in agony, I will leave my email in my profile at between 9 p.m. and 10 p.m., seven days from now. Sometimes, I forget I'm on such a public forum. I'm probally being overly paranoid?

[mirimir]

Do not put your email address in your profile if you want to remain anonymous from your employer! If you have already shared other stuff that would identify you, it would be best to drop this now. Otherwise, get an anonymous email address to use here. Use Tor browser, and get an account with https://vfemail.net/ or https://www.safe-mail.net/.

[aft42]

> I will leave my email in my profile at between 9 p.m. and 10 p.m., seven days from now.

I'm not sure how this actually helps keep your anonymity. I would suggest setting up a temporary email address (there are many services for this purpose - https://duckduckgo.com/?q=temporary+email)

[vorotato]

As far as I know you cannot be fired for choosing to treat a condition. That would be discrimination. Chances are your coworkers would not care. Some of your coworkers probably do some illegal drugs, or maybe the same prescribed medication you do. I know I had coworkers who smoked weed, and would talk about it, and I do not live in a state where that is legal. Nobody cared SHRUGS