Ask HN: What does breakdown feel like?

[ch49]

Those who've gone through it, how does it feel like?

I am in a situation strange to me; I don't know if it's a breakdown. I actually overworked for past 7 months or so (18 hours on extreme days, 8-10+ on average), and now I can't write code. I don't want to. Something in me has given up something. It's like a ship is stuck in middle of very peaceful sea with no water or wind current whatsoever. I have little money left but I don't care about it. Nothing is motivating me ahead. Learning something new always work as an escape plan for me, but even that is not working. I don't want to play games or read sci-fi or anything that want me to move a finger. I am lying in my bed all day long doing nothing.

What shall I make of this situation? Is this what people call breakdown? Or am I out of fuel for good? I don't see any exit myself; sometime I get frustrated with myself and want to end everything (for a man self is the world). But I don't.

I used to really really love programming; I have spent 70% of my life in front of my computer since I got one of my own (about 5 years ago). It was always fun, I was never tired or bored. About 7 month ago I got a big project (I used to make small apps/websites for pocket money earlier) and I started giving it my all. It brought me even bigger project from same client (also my mentor); I gave it my all too (spent 10+ hours a day on it). And the third project I got from same client is even bigger. For about a two months, I worked on it with full dedication. Then for past month, I started slowing down. But I still pushed. And then suddenly I couldn't think clear. All of a sudden the project wasn't interesting at all. I used to love it when I started. I am physically well now, can think clear. But I still can't code. I don't know why.

I've always loved programming, and the fact that I am not doing it for no reason is killing me.

[patio11]

That sounds like burnout, and possibly depression. It does get better. I went through a very bad bout of it in 2010 (my last 6 months at the day job prior to quitting was a 90+ hour a week death march) and lost essentially six months after quitting. (I did an honest week of work over the entire interval, and only clearly remember two days of it.) I have had a struggle or two with depression since then but late 2010 through now were the best years of my life, by quite a lot.

I'd encourage you to see a professional, and re-connect with the things you like in the world that aren't working. Also, it was a big surprise to me, but the guys saying Exercise And Diet Matter were actually right all those years. I know your body is saying "Go to the gym? Oh, eff that, there's a perfectly good bed right here." but if you can force yourself to do it every day, even for 15 or 20 minutes to start, it does a world of good.

[petervandijck]

If you like walks, force yourself to go for a 1-hour walk every day for a week. Even better if the walk is together with a friend you can chat with.

[ch49]

Thanks for your comment and sharing your experience.

Joining a gym is next thing I gonna do next morning. I want to avoid seeking professional help, but I will go for it if I have to. I am the laziest of all people I've ever known, but I am fed up with this virtual death. I want code flowing through my Emacs again.

[josemwarrior]

I have gone through the same situation. If you let it go like I did, get worse. Believe it or not, you're going through depression. Things I advise you to do and you will not do:

- Most importantly, go visit a professional, one who specializes in emotional intelligence. - Make sports more than half an hour a day every day. - Switch to a healthy diet, no snuff, no alcochol, and low in sugar. - Lower the workload or leave it for a few months. - Give yourself time, and changes of activities, places and people.

By doing these steps you will again be the same. If you need anything you can contact me.

[ch49]

Thanks for your comment.

I don't know if I can get professionals who specialise in emotional intelligence here in Bangalore (India). Most psychiatrists I can see online have "drug rehab" like words highlighted.

More physical activity is what I gonna do next (will join a gym next morning). Changing activities is something I wonder how I can do. I spend almost all my time on computer, it has never been a problem until now. And I have changed places a 3 months back. I came from my home to Bangalore dreaming of a city overflowing with tech geeks (although all I could find were people doing their "jobs"). And I don't think I can leave it for few months, I am 100% on my own in this city; in a month I will run out of funds and have to get myself fit for work before that happens.

> If you need anything you can contact me.

Thanks. Your words are enough, I think I am the only one who can do something about anything else I need.

[josemwarrior]

Good luck! If I dont misunderstand you, the only thing that you will do is make sport...that doesn't look enough, but if work for you, nice.

[DanBC]

> sometime I get frustrated with myself and want to end everything (for a man self is the world). But I don't.

Thoughts like this are very worrying. Ease reach out to a friend or family and talk to them. If it's possible please seek meic help for this.

In England you can call your GP. Or you can self refer to your local Mental Health services -- do a wh search for the name of your county and "IAPT" (improved access to psychological therapies).

[pacey]

On OSDC '08 there was a lightning talk being held about depression and burnout. As a later step, the Bluehackers.org Group has been established.

This cannot replace the help from a professional but they provide good reads / resources on the subject.

HTH - You're not alone!

http://bluehackers.org/howto

[ch49]

Thanks for the pointer. I highly appreciate that.

[JCJoverTCP]

having been recently beset with some really bad life things, i seek solace in my son who is my best friend, inspiration, and reason for living. a few minutes with him, and i am ok for a while. but mostly after being screwed so many times in the past few years by jobs, infosec industry, ... its hard to wake up happy just waiting for the other shoe to drop. constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for something bad to happen is not a fun way to live, but at least i realize the trigger.

this is my own depression and i am going to just put it out there that you have your own depression too. take it one day at a time, get comfort from the little things.

[MalcolmDiggs]

This sounds like a matter for a professional. If you've got health insurance there might be a certain amount covered under your plan. I've seen psychologists in the past and it did a world a good. If for no other reason than it helps you understand yourself better.

[davelnewton]

But you're not not doing it for no reason; you have burnout, because you crammed too much of it into too short of a time.

Pace yourself; the race goes not to the swift but those who endure.

Delta the occasional sprint.

[ch49]

I am not sure if it's a burnout. I am perfectly sound physically. I had a small period of time when I couldn't think clear, it spanned 2-3 weeks though so may be can't call it small; I barely remember few memories of that time. But it was 3 months back and I snapped out of it as soon as I got physically well and was as productive as I am normally.

Now although I am physically sound, I am unable to concentrate. I can't focus for no apparent physical reason other than this feeling of too bored to live. May be I am actually depressed, and should go get some counselling.

[davelnewton]

"Burnout" applies just as much to the brain as the body... as if they're different things.

[codewritinfool]

Sounds like depression to me, but I'm not a doctor. Go see one.