[rfc3092]

To get things out of the way: yes it is hard being alone. But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. There are no easy roads in life and being single is one of the easiest.

Now I’ll focus on practical advise:

- gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer.

- besides gym pick an active “hobby”. Cycling, rollerblading, running, skiing, surfing etc. You need self-supporting way to spend time outdoors. Again: do seek instruction.

- learn to play music. It is very healing and rewarding. Also frustrating and hard. Guess what? Take classes. Joining (community) school is great. Getting into local band is amazing. Most importantly here: you do not need to talk to these people. Same goes for drawing studio.

- professional education. Maybe you always wanted to be CPA?

- deep and challenging activities: sailing, diving, flying, mountaineering etc

- checklist reading, movie watching

- study textbooks

- systematic traveling

- volunteer

- build things with your hands and give them away

- learn to recognize your emotional state and how it changes.

My “qualifications”: I was single for ~10+10 years.

[noosphr]

- gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer.

Do you people even go to the gym at all?

You need time to recover. Between 3 to 5 days is the most you can humanly do. And that's if you vary your exercises as suggested by a (good) personal trainer. Any more than that and you're just asking for overtraining syndrome. Doubly so if you're nearly 40.

Edit: after seeing the replies here the answer is obviously not. Don't take advice from internet strangers if you don't want to hurt yourselves kids.

[63stack]

I was wondering the same thing. It already takes a very high level of motivation and self discipline to go 3 times a week, going every day requires superhuman levels to so consistently.

This doesn't take into account that your body requires rest, and I don't know how op thinks you can combine this with an active sport like skiing, or something creative like music. You will be drained already from the gym.

[agumonkey]

Agreed, I like to repeat beneficial things as much as possible but one day your body will send you the bill. There will be some exceptional people that can do that after their 30s but giving you 2 or 3 days of rest is probably the right amount

[raducu]

>high level of motivation and self discipline to go 3 times a week.

I don't really have the time for gym but going feels so good so I can see why someone who does have the time might go 7 days a week.

[marssaxman]

People really differ, don't we?

I can only imagine what it would feel like to enjoy working out!

[KellyCriterion]

During my the year before my BA started and in the first year of it, I went 4 - 5 days a week, including Sauna afterwards.

Thats easy if you have no responsibility

[eloisant]

It's not just about motivation and self discipline, but your body needs recovery days.

[nkrisc]

On your off days just go and walk on a treadmill for 30-60 minutes. Or 15 minutes. Anything to entrench the habit until it feels wrong to not go.

[kakacik]

Yeah especially 38 approaches the barrier (or crossed, depends on genes and previous lifestyle) when body changes for the worse. Weaker, builds strength slower, regeneration takes longer, injuries come easier. Very bad and outright dangerous advice that scare away more people than actually help.

I'd say start with 2x a week, and 2 very important points - start gently since by description body isn't used to working out so it may take many weeks for it to grow connective tissue to handle new load; and start with a coach who will not push you like many love to do, but give you a gradual introduction and help avoid beginner's mistakes and injuries.

The main point is to not make every workout a hated chore that must be done, since such motivation won't last very long and subconsciousness will easily find ways to start avoiding that. Everybody I knew that subscribed to such regime from 0 and wanted to be pushed hard gave up in few months. Such a mindset is reserved further down the line, for specific types of personalities and not an universally good approach.

Once some form of affinity if not outright love for workouts and feeling/effects after forms, and routine sets in, find other sports. Don't just do gym mindlessly every day unless that's the only choice of activity... its rather sad use of all that gained potential when there are so many better, more fun & rewarding activities. Do group sports if you like them (I personally don't), and/or join groups of people doing such activities (ie hiking club must be almost everywhere, its such a basic and great thing).

Some 15 years ago I started ie organizing climbing sessions out of loneliness in similar situation as yours and amount of friends and women that entered my life in short period was non-trivial. Thats further down the line, but just a group similarly-minded people are already a massive boost. Be yourself, find your new hobbies or better passions, and this hard period will be over.

Do NOT spend most of your free time in front of screen, playing games or other rather toxic activities. They will make all negative things worse since its a very lonely hobby despite being in contact with many folks (multiplayer, singleplayer is even worse).

[ethbr1]

Splits and light days. Parent wasn't suggesting every day be full body max.

[4fterd4rk]

Do YOU go to the gym at all?

I lift four times a week. Two days a week I do intense cardio. One day a week I do something low impact like yoga or a treadmill incline walk. "Active recovery" is not a new concept.

[Protostome]

Going to the gym every day doesn't mean lifting weights every day , at least not at first. Once you have advanced enough you can certainly lift everyday, focusing on different muscle groups.

The principle is to be active - treadmill, rowing machine, elliptical, etc on days you're not lifting weights are perfectly reasonable expectation after a few months of adaptation period. You don't have to go to the gym of course, you can do all those activities at home with some very cheap and easy to obtain equipment like rubber bands and/or TRX, but the point I think OP was trying to make is to create opportunities for social interactions.

On days I miss workouts I feel much more groggy and tired, so working out over the years became a necessity which I don't really need to find motivation to do. If you feel bored and tired, try to couple workouts with audiobooks or podcasts, that helps to make the experience more enjoyable and even productive at times.

(I'm nearing 42, working out most of my life 5 days a week at least)

[iso1631]

I used to ride a bike for 40 minutes twice a day 5 days a week on the commute, and then ride longer most Saturdays and Sundays

A daily 40 minutes on an exercise bike, rowing machine, or treadmill doesn't seem excessive.

[samspot]

They said go every day, not do intense workouts every day. Plenty of things you can do at a gym that don't require recovery days. Being there so much should confer some social benefits too.

[techteach00]

My retro fitness is always crowded. I go 7 days a week. 40 minute jog. No lifting. It's nice seeing and saying hi to the same people their everyday.

[vablings]

gym every day is fine with good load management. You should not be thrashing yourself to the max on a daily routine.

[notlenin]

yes, strong agree.

I'm personally happiest on two heavy lifting days with snatch, cleans and front squats, and then just lots of walking, handstands and some empty barbell work at home on other days.

I've tried to go harder, but doing heavy snatches 4x/week just exhausts me without increasing strength.

[butILoveLife]

I actually like doing overtraining in bursts. Hit gym 1-2x per day for a few weeks, supersets and drop sets. I get gigantic.

But then I do a cut, and maintain, its only like 20 minutes lifting per week.

Anyway, you are basically repeating broscience. Or maybe after lifting for 14 years, I can handle it.

But also, you can do cardio everyday, that said, I only do 1 hard cardio day per week.

[torben-friis]

that's strength training. you have cardio, mobility, skill and so on available.

Martial arts usually have physical and technique days alternated, same goes for bouldering, and I imagine many other forms of exercise.

[awk77]

Working out isn't that difficult i have been doing it for 11 years, You'll learn only if you get regular. It's a skill like any another. At start go gradual and do less and with time you can workout every single day without over training. Key is that you learn to listen to your body and train accordingly.

[machiaweliczny]

I personally go 3x for gym classes like "healthy spine", "mobility", "core" etc. and then 2-3x hard training. But I would say I am very active recently.

Do I feel better? Yes. Was it hard first 2 weeks? Yes, I had even to resort to painkillers.

I think the best for people who sit a lot are core, mobility and back exercises. Huge motivation for me when I finally started prioritizing back on machines and progressed on all other things and finally look like I go to gym :)

[mi_lk]

Going to a gym doesn't mean doing only one type of exercise, you can do yoga or cardio in the gym as a form of recovery if you mainly train for resistance for example

[BinaryMachine]

I go everyday but started just using Sundays for walks outside.

30min resistance and 30min "Jeffing" (called the run-walk method, run-walk-run).

Saturdays since I have more time 1:30hr resistance, 1hr-2hr cycling outside.

Eating healthy is also important, cook for yourself always. Meal prepping saves so much money.

I think time is also against me and life is moving quickly that if I don't spend everyday on body and mind its a wasted day.

[josefdlange]

I like to alternate yoga and traditional gym days. The yoga is still hard work but has more restorative qualities, and often complements my gym work rather well. That said, I still take one or two rest days a week. Being in your thirties comes with some physical boundaries you'd do well to respect.

[k6hkUZtLUM]

One could easily take yoga or Zumba 2-3 times a week. Lift some weights 1 day a week and use the treadmill any day you aren't out walking around. No injuries on that schedule.

Every gym I see in socal is always busy. Bonus, you start to see "regulars" and have someone to say hello to.

[drowntoge]

https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/do-you-even-lift

[albedoa]

> Don't take advice from internet strangers

Incredible irony here and exactly what I was thinking as I read your comment. Get them internet points, kid!

[bmikaili]

You can do splits or cardio.

[seedie]

Great advice, but don't treat it as a checklist. If you like to go to the gym, do it. If not don't do it, leave alone every day.

Your focus should not be in improving yourself and being the best you can be. It's about getting to know yourself better.

What is it that you enjoy. And if you don't know, now's the time to find out. Maybe it's going to the gym, maybe it's finding a great breakfast place. Sitting there, having breakfast, being around other people.

Finding activities that you enjoy doing outdoors, bonus points.

You've already done the first step in asking for advice. Even though it might sound neglectible, that's a great achievement. So many people suffer from depression and have a hard time to take this first step. Congratulations!

Get out there try things, learn who you are. Maybe there's this thing that you always wanted to do places you always wanted to see. Now is the best time to do it. And if there's no such thing, you've been given a great list of things to try.

Best luck to you in this new phase of life!

[bko]

> But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person.

Strong disagree. It's a different kind of hard. People can handle hard. Running a marathon is hard but a million do so every year for no reason other than maybe it's hard.

The difference between taking care of kids and having a family is that it's meaningful and to most deeply satisfying. Sure there are some people that don't get any satisfaction, but I think it's fair to say that it's not the typical experience across every Western culture.

Let's stop pretending everything is morally equivalent. "I'm raising an autistic child to be a functional member of society", "oh that's nothing! I just mad Diamond II with 61% win rate over 200 games in League!"

I don't know what "being with the wrong person" means. There is no "right" or "wrong" person as the world doesn't revolve around you. If you're actually in an abusive relationship, you should get out obviously. But what's the alternative? Drifting. Emptiness. No purpose or companionship. Spending the rest of your lives with pets asking for life hacks on how to manage boredom. Video games, netflix, personal indulgence and self gratification, medication.

This is going to be weirdly controversial on this forum but is advice I would give to my children: most people should aim to do what we've been biologically evolved to do, namely find companionship and love w/ someone and raise a family. If you're an outlier and you have a shot of sending someone to Mars, sure, go all in on that, but for nearly everyone else, this is your best chance for a fulfilling meaningful life.

[gwd]

> > But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person.

> I don't know what "being with the wrong person" means. There is no "right" or "wrong" person as the world doesn't revolve around you.

Ho boy. Listen, I was married for 6 years, separated / divorced for 5 years, and now have been married for 10 years. You have no idea what kind of hell those last few years of the first marriage were. I had no idea until I'd been separated for a year, and gotten back to some sense of normalcy. I can't even describe to you what it's like to live in a house where you're emotionally wounded continually, or to realize the best you can hope from an attempt at a "date" is "it didn't explode".

One of the problems my ex and I had getting help was that people just couldn't seem to understand how bad it was. We'd describe something, people would say, "Oh yeah, marriage is hard, it will get better." Well no; our marriage was way worse, and it never got better.

The second marriage is so different. It's the kind of hard you're talking about -- we put in effort, it pays off. We argue, then we sort things out. We're not like some movie romance, but we're fundamentally a team. Some part of it is certainly "I learned something"; but a big part of it was definitely "It wasn't all me".

ETA: And, apparently, my ex has now been married to someone else for 11 years. Again, I'm sure she learned something from the disaster of our marriage that helped her in her second one. But I can't help but think there was something more than that: something difference in personality between myself and her current husband, such that she and I couldn't work things out but the two of them can.

[narag]

I don't know what "being with the wrong person" means.

Congratulations.

[busterarm]

Seriously. Not understanding what this means almost makes the reply worthless as the proper context just isn't there.

I was in two different relationships where my partner was trying to destroy me. One literally tried to murder me.

Being alone is so much better than that, it's not even close.

[bko]

Thats not what most people use about the wrong person. Thats an abusive relationship. And the comment says as much a few sentences later

[busterarm]

Some of you people are so autistic it needs to be spelled out for you. Being with people who aren't good for you in other ways is similarly terrible. I cited one extreme example and that's the only thing you focus on.

It could be as simple as someone who isn't supportive ever.

And no, the person that tried to kill me wasn't abusive otherwise. She was just very unstable.

[stonogo]

pretty sure I've 'been' biologically evolved to impregnate as many women as possible and then die at 35 like everyone else

so yeah, your take is controversial, but not why you think

[bko]

There are biological benefits for a male to stick around and being involved. I dont know but Andrew Tate style dudes don't seem particularly happy or fulfilled despite the show they pit on

[stonogo]

Yeah, the point I was trying to make was that marriage and family isn't necessarily some kind of evolutionary imperative, and it doesn't really help the argument to pretend it is. There are plenty of benefits to it without having to invent fake scientific connections.

[tuesdaynight]

Thanks, I was going to say exactly that. I agree with most of the other comment, but the biological part did not sound correct to me. Biologically, we should impregnate as much people as possible, and monogamous couples would not be the standard.

[otterley]

> most people should aim to do what we've been biologically evolved to do, namely find companionship and love w/ someone and raise a family.

You misunderstood the point. The GP isn’t saying you shouldn’t do that. They’re saying that if you find yourself in the position where you don’t have mutual love for one another, the relationship could be worse for the both of you than if you were both alone.

> I don't know what "being with the wrong person" means. There is no "right" or "wrong" person as the world doesn't revolve around you.

It’s subjective. As is love itself.

[bko]

The person quotes his or her qualifications as being single for 20 years, as though that's a qualification. It was 100% about long term coping mechanisms for persistent loneliness and drifting in life. Why would you want to model that?

[rfc3092]

I agree I am not a good role model for marital advice. That is why I am not giving any. All my advice is about self-care when your only company on vacation is, for whatever reason, a cat and PlayStation controller.

[rfc3092]

You’re not wrong. But the “advice” to find someone or “get out of relationship” is never helpful. It is “find a job” kinda one if you don’t understand why.

I hope you’ll find a different way to support your kids if they ever get in a dark and lonely place.

[bch]

+1 for physical exercise. Curious though why you (or anybody else) would separate running and/or cycling from the gym? Gym gets its own (emphatic!) category and the sports are separate. Not a criticism, genuinely curious.

[rfc3092]

Being outdoors is a big differentiator for me. I find (uv) light exposure to noticeably improve my self being. Also I can’t stay productively in the gym for 3 hours, but I can easily cycle.

[bch]

Same. I loathe gyms, actually. Perhaps Ive been absent for too long to have an honest loathing, I've no attraction to them though (I don't begrudge anybody who likes them or uses them though - easy to see their value).

A bicycle, on the other hand... a thing of beauty.

[rfc3092]

Gym is important to set a body routine and get it used to “flush” emotions out with sweat. Daily exercise when in vulnerable state is non-negotiable imo (but hard). Not everyone can afford to bike every day. Hence why I recommend gym first.

[Nursie]

> Not everyone can afford to bike every day. Hence why I recommend gym first.

Err....

Are we talking about affording in time? Because from where I'm sitting once you have a bike it's free, where gyms need an ongoing subscription.

Plus if someone (like OP) works from home, getting on their bike is likely easier and lower-friction.

[rfc3092]

> Are we talking about affording in time?

Mostly weather. There are very few locations where “bike every day” is a reasonable statement. Consistency is key.

[danielbarla]

Aside from the pragmatic reasons, I think it's a good idea to separate out cardio, muscle-building, and flexibility into its own separate categories, and ensure you consistently dabble in each. Obviously there can be are overlaps, but this taxonomy ensures a good balance.

[efsavage]

Those are all great things to do, but I don't think OP needs to do more things, they need to do different things. The biggest thing that jumped out was that they know they need to be with people but work remote and with a huge time shift.

My top advice would be to get an in-person job, even that means less money or moving, or just pivoting to a new industry. Even better find a job where people are your business so you're not pinning everything on socializing with co-workers. The people I know who are like this do jobs where they have to meet/find customers, coordinate people and teams, do on-site projects, etc. They are energized and fulfilled by these interactions even if the job itself isn't that important to them.

[ravishi]

gym everyday: I found great success with Pilates. It's usually me + 2-3 other people and the instructor. There's chatting during the session after you become regular. You get to have some social life while exercising. It also helps tremendously with posture, specially for someone who spends all his day in a chair.

It's still hard to do sometimes, like in stronger depressive episodes. But it's way easier than gym at least for me.

[rfc3092]

It really surprises me how entrenched the idea of “gym” is in everyone’s mind. For me Pilates studio is a gym too. Maybe this is a “transcontinental” thing?

[ravishi]

It's probably very cultural thing. I understand how one can consider a studio and a gym to be the same, but around my area the studios are very different from gyms.

For me, the gym has a gym energy, kinda intimidating. There's lots of people and everyone is wearing hadphones, you don't know where to look at, you have to wait for equipment, share equipment, etc. I don't like personally.

[yrotslluf]

Despite the comments bickering about how often to hit the gym or what types of activities overlap -- this comment is right: hit the gym.

Get a personal trainer or try signing up with a CrossFit gym or another gym that has coached classes. You need form instruction, and you need to take it slow.

For me, my mental health and physical health are tied directly to each other and this was the single best thing I did for myself in my late 30s.

[Noumenon72]

Does "single for ~10+10 years" mean 20 years, or that you were single before you were 10 and then till age 20?

[rfc3092]

I was single for 10 years after college. Then married for 7 (very very badly). Then single for another 10. I thought I will spend the rest of my days alone. I have two kids now.

[s3p]

Thanks for sharing. I am somewhat in the same boat as OP so this is really helpful!

[meeshmuesh]

I would offer an alternative to music - painting. It’s creative from the first brush stroke and requires as much practicing as you feel like. In a lot of our lives, professional and personal, we do a lot of study and repetition. Having something where you can create without that burden can allow the imagination time to flourish.

[messh]

idk, seems being single rocks :) I have not time for myself at all

[clouedoc]

Gym feels lonely. Social sports are better! E.g. badminton

[jamespo]

Were you in full time employment whilst doing all this?

[rfc3092]

Yes. Lonely people have a lot of time. It is rarely an issue. Motivation is.

OP complains about dreadful 60 hours and not about being too busy. I can relate.

[worktoday]

My problem is something like this. I'm shy at meeting people, yet working out with someone can distract me from this free time. When I have free time I drink. The cycle is unique... I don't know how to explain it but "dreadful free time" ... that's the best i have heard yet.

[realaaa]

qualifications - confirmed ! solid :)

[markovBaj]

what does systematic travelling mean?

[rfc3092]

Visit every EU capital. Or every national park. Or every bookstore in 100km radius. Just some arbitrary traveling goal that will get you out of the house every month or two.