[mndgs]

Sorry for a probably unpopular opinion here, and let me generalize a bit: Gen Z all the way... (Saying this makes me feel a bit old, I guess I'm certainly am than the author).

On a serious note, in my book there are hints of perfectionism right from the start of the story (fonts dimming, wait 30 sec to join the meeting..). And too much fragility in personal attidudes. S/he is probably a relatively young idealistic person, early in the career. Such people often don't last long, if they can't change inside and take manager's or corporate shit. One needs at least some "fuck it" attitude to preserve one's dignity. Your performance review does not and cannot define you as a person. Else you're likely to end up disappointed and/or emotionally exhausted. And that's what I see here.

[nunez]

Put yourself in their shoes.

They idolized a company that is known for top-shelf engineering talent and, more importantly, brutally hard interviews...and they just got an opportunity to interview with them.

You have no idea what the interviewee will "no hire" them over, so you assume they want perfection because obviously. You're deathly afraid of making any mistakes because not getting the job you've been dreaming about for years is not an option, so spiraling straight into the ground after your first minor oops makes total sense.

Once you've gotten the dream job, you now have to work even harder to keep it because, shit, have you seen the engineering talent in this place? Getting a "failing" perf review from your management sends this anxiety into overdrive, so you work harder to prove your worth.

Some people barely last under these conditions. Others will gladly torch everything and everyone in their life to succeed, whatever that means.

[Brian_K_White]

I cannot understand how anyone gets past 5 years old while still being this fragile as to think any of this you just said.

Everyone has some of these feelings but it's just a feeling like 10% of your mind not 100%. WTF idolizes a company? That is just wrong. Who raised someone to let them even think like that?

[BonoboIO]

Everyone is searching for validation and often times we seek it on the outside and often in the wrong place.

Companies don’t care about you, they care about the work you do … and if you don’t bring less to the table … surprise. But everyone has to learn it the hard way, some earlier than others.

[Sheeny96]

You sorta answered your own question there - it's largely, if not wholly, about your childhood experience, what validated you etc. Gonna sound very projectionist and therapising here - but I'd say with a 70-80% probability that op (or the myriad software engineers with this trait) had someone of significance in their childhood that gave them praise when things were perfect, or when they knew something.

[kirso]

Sorry to be passive aggressive here, but who gets past 10 years old while still thinking that the world and humans operate the same way you do?

Just because you didn't face it, doesn't mean there are people who tie their identity to work success... in fact there are many.

[Brian_K_White]

Obviously this exists. The point was to express that this is not a reasonable way to exist.

Something has gone wrong for an adult human to be quite this fragile. Many people and even whole systems have failed them.

It's not about being uncaring or unsympathetic.

If you sympathise with someone like this (the ideas in the comment I responded to here more than the main article) because of the difficulty and unhappines of their state of existence, you should wish them to have been empowered to exist in the world without being flattened by the totally ordinary things that the world is full of that they will have to handle every day in ordinary life.

[eddd-ddde]

Everything in life needs a healthy amount of "fuck it" attitude.

The second I learnt this and started living by it my happiness shot up and my anxiety went down.

Who cares if you mess up, you have to stop living by your ideas of other people's ideas of you.

[_proofs]

i feel similarly and have had an adjacent experience with anxiety. the more i got to know myself, and the more i've accepted myself over the years, the more i've found myself self-advocating and validating my own existence (to myself) -- i do not need to prove or justify it to others, and i have been working on keeping this mantra alive.

a large part of this experience has been overcoming things by applying a healthy dose of, "fuck it -- this is for me." [1]

[1] obviously one can suggest there is an element of hedonism or selfishness inherent in the attitude, but i think we can appreciate framing it in the context of not using this attitude or mantra to justify being self-destructive, or harmful -- that is not the point. it's more about applying it in a way, that combats the mundane insecurities i've faced and experienced in a range of extremes, which otherwise get in the way of personal growth.

[nunez]

I agree, but many people in this world are raised by parents for whom "fuck it" is not an option. Escaping that kind of environment is very difficult.

[cloverich]

Its funny coming from the other side, where fuck it is all you know. Of course balance is the answer and change is hard. If i ever can id love to incorporate this into my hiring criteria as a kind of diversity, because as a fuck it person i find i pair quite well with those who cant do that; and likewise working at jobs with too many of either type the flaws (and mono culture) become so significant its hard to stomach.

[kelnos]

The author mentions they have nearly 10 years of experience in the field, so assuming they went to college and got their first programming job soon thereafter, that puts them around 30-32, so fairly solidly millennial, if maybe on the younger side of it. Not that this matters; I'm always dubious of generalizations based on made up things like "generations".

I definitely got people-pleasing vibes, and I agree the whole "making my screen look neat and tidy" and "engineering my arrival time to the meeting" bits were too much. If I had an interviewer who cared about or was impressed by those "metrics", I would consider that pretty shallow.

Based on that first performance review they got, my feeling is they had a bad manager. I agree with the manager that communication is a crucially important part of work, but you don't give someone a low rating when they completed an otherwise wildly successful project. That's just cruel and demoralizing. You can attack the communication problem without demotivating your employee and possibly hurting their career progression.

Whenever a poor performance review is a surprise to the employee, that alone is a management failure. Don't wait until review time to discuss problems; bring them up immediately and try to address them. Maybe by the time the review comes up, the problem will be gone. And if it's not, the employee won't be surprised by the reasons behind a less-than-ideal review.

[waitasec]

No need to generalize, or assume.

> I’d already had a successful career as a software engineer for the better part of a decade.

OP's resume suggests they've been a professional engineer for over a decade.

I agree with your points about perfectionism and idealism, but they are not isolated to Gen Z.

[phyrex]

"Better part of a decade" means "more than half a decade", so definitely not a decade yet

[schmichael]

The author appears to be solidly millenial from their resume.

As an Elder Millennial myself I hope HN and our industry is free of ageism against young and old. Comments like yours don’t help.

[kelnos]

I wouldn't call that ageism; attitudes change over time, and people early in their career haven't yet learned "how the game is played" so to speak. They will have some emotional attitudes about work that don't always align with reality, which in some cases can be harmful for their mental health and career progression.

This is just a consequence of being inexperienced, and in this case it correlates closely with age.

I do agree that bucketing people by "generation" isn't helpful. Just saying "it seems like this person is early in their career" is sufficient, and is the actual relevant bit.