[_yb2s]

Doing hobbies that involve other people has helped me make a lot of friends- for a lot of men in particular, this is often really the only way to build friendships.

Learning how to be emotionally vulnerable is key to actually connecting with people. The book "Models" by Mark Manson is a pretty good primer on the importance of emotional vulnerability to connect with people. It is sort-of a dating advice book, but I've found it helpful for making regular friendships and connecting with my own family as well.

Another thing that is helpful is learning how to communicate assertively- which is the opposite of being emotionally manipulative. The book "When I say no I feel guilty" is particularly good introduction to assertive communication. A lot of people only learned emotionally manipulative communication, and will be avoided by almost anyone that sees that for what it is.

Counter-intuitively, not being desperate is critical. Be willing to judge if someone is worth your time, and be willing to disagree with people or say no, without letting the fear of being rejected control you. The same authenticity and vulnerability that will make people really connect with you, will also drive some people away, and that is totally fine. The goal is not to be friends with everyone, but to make good friends with people you are compatible with.

Therapy can often be helpful for developing all 3 of the above skills.

Lastly, take the initiative to make things happen. Invite someone to do activities several times before expecting them to reciprocate. People tend to be busy, shy, stressed, etc. - just because people don't reach out doesn't mean they don't like you.

[purple-leafy]

This is really well said. I think the key parts you’ve identified are:

- being emotionally vulnerable (but not an emotional doormat!)

- not being desperate

I really struggled with emotional vulnerability, and this took time to get comfortable with, with many fails.

Being desperate is also tricky, because when you’re lonely you yearn to make contacts. I won’t lie, this part is hard, but working on yourself FIRST seems to be the key anecdotally.

Be the best version of yourself. When I say this, I mean the best “genuine” version. That means, genuinely caring, not desperate, not toxic, letting go of grudges, challenging insecurities and strong negative beliefs.

Note that “best you” does NOT mean “rich”, “powerful”, “hot and ripped”, “best dressed”, “most girlfriends” and “coolest car” …. lol

Some people think the above when they are younger, because our whole lives we are sold that that is what success looks like. Sure, to a very shallow world view it may be “success”.

But being happy, caring, genuine, and honest is much harder and much more related to success in my opinion.

[_yb2s]

I agree, trying to not be desperate when you are lonely can be a real catch 22. Gradually building up a strong circle of good friends is the main thing that gives social confidence and makes you non-desperate, but that is little help to someone that is lonely.

When I was younger I ended up being friends with some awful people (literally criminals in some cases), and even marrying someone that treated me badly, because I just didn't want to be alone.

Now I think there is a better solution when finding friends hard to come by- decide what is really important to you and make that a hard boundary, but be willing to tolerate other "flaws" in people that might also be having trouble making friends. For example, I won't be friends with someone that I think is a bad person, or treats others badly on purpose, but I will be friends with someone that has poor social skills or is neurodivergent in a way that makes them hard for others to be around, if I think they are still a good person, and am able to enjoy spending time with them, e.g. through a shared activity we both enjoy.

I found that essentially lowering my standards in a way compatible with my values expanded my circle of potential friends, without being "desperate" in the sense of having no boundaries like I did when I was younger.

I also agree that you get to define success for yourself based on your own values. It is a mistake to take the definition of success handed to you by society/others.

[dogdutyascetic]

Check out Michael Puett’s The Path.

[hiAndrewQuinn]

"Models" by Mark Manson was my bible in college, and I swear by it.

I especially swear by the summary at https://thingofthings.wordpress.com/2018/05/25/models-a-summ... , which I printed out and read basically every morning for a couple of months until it felt like a part of me. Changed my life, vastly for the better.

[drakonka]

This part really resonated with me:

> Someone rejected you for not wanting kids? Imagine five years from now when they’ve worn you down and you have to wake up six times a night to feed a child you never wanted.

Someone rejected me for his _perception_ that I do not want kids. In reality, this could have been a 15-minute conversation in which we'd find out we were on the same page. But the fact that he was unwilling to bring up that concern and instead worried about it in silence, culminating in a middle-of-the-night decision to end things, is in itself evidence that he was not an appropriate person to have kids with in the first place.

It still is really sad and unfortunate to "lose" something over what feels like a miscommunication, but ultimately a favor - because with the right person, the miscommunication would have been resolved.

[hanifc]

Not much to add to an already great comment, but I'll emphatically back the recommendation of "Models".

I read that book in my early 20s so that I could have better relationships with women, but what I got from that book were lessons on living a good and authentic life. Easily the most influential book I've ever read.

[bluedino]

>> Doing hobbies that involve other people

This is something that doesn't really work for me. I've made a few friends through some hobbies (and we're still friends even though we don't participate in them anymore), but I think the problem is I'm not as into the hobbies as much as the other people are.

I don't want to hang out with anyone at my gym. A lot of the ____ club people are _obsessed_ with that particular thing. I have other interests than that one thing.

I find the key is being easy to talk to, and finding people who are easy to talk to.

[ornornor]

> being easy to talk to

What does that look like in practice?

[lostmyotheracct]

Could you suggest some hobbies? I grew up an only child without any close friends so I learned to do everything solo at an early age.

[bruce511]

Sports is one. I play in a regular pickup football game twice a week. I also took up golf, and now I'm older I have more time for that. That's a good social sport and can be played in coed groups.

I also do ceramics. I'm not terribly arty but it allows me to be creative. It's quite social - lots of chatter etc. I imagine the same for metal eork, painting, jewelry, glass blowing etc.

[lostmyotheracct]

Thanks these are good ideas and fairly accessible