[_yb2s]

I agree, trying to not be desperate when you are lonely can be a real catch 22. Gradually building up a strong circle of good friends is the main thing that gives social confidence and makes you non-desperate, but that is little help to someone that is lonely.

When I was younger I ended up being friends with some awful people (literally criminals in some cases), and even marrying someone that treated me badly, because I just didn't want to be alone.

Now I think there is a better solution when finding friends hard to come by- decide what is really important to you and make that a hard boundary, but be willing to tolerate other "flaws" in people that might also be having trouble making friends. For example, I won't be friends with someone that I think is a bad person, or treats others badly on purpose, but I will be friends with someone that has poor social skills or is neurodivergent in a way that makes them hard for others to be around, if I think they are still a good person, and am able to enjoy spending time with them, e.g. through a shared activity we both enjoy.

I found that essentially lowering my standards in a way compatible with my values expanded my circle of potential friends, without being "desperate" in the sense of having no boundaries like I did when I was younger.

I also agree that you get to define success for yourself based on your own values. It is a mistake to take the definition of success handed to you by society/others.