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This is really well said. I think the key parts you’ve identified are: - being emotionally vulnerable (but not an emotional doormat!) - not being desperate I really struggled with emotional vulnerability, and this took time to get comfortable with, with many fails. Being desperate is also tricky, because when you’re lonely you yearn to make contacts. I won’t lie, this part is hard, but working on yourself FIRST seems to be the key anecdotally. Be the best version of yourself. When I say this, I mean the best “genuine” version. That means, genuinely caring, not desperate, not toxic, letting go of grudges, challenging insecurities and strong negative beliefs. Note that “best you” does NOT mean “rich”, “powerful”, “hot and ripped”, “best dressed”, “most girlfriends” and “coolest car” …. lol Some people think the above when they are younger, because our whole lives we are sold that that is what success looks like. Sure, to a very shallow world view it may be “success”. But being happy, caring, genuine, and honest is much harder and much more related to success in my opinion. |
When I was younger I ended up being friends with some awful people (literally criminals in some cases), and even marrying someone that treated me badly, because I just didn't want to be alone.
Now I think there is a better solution when finding friends hard to come by- decide what is really important to you and make that a hard boundary, but be willing to tolerate other "flaws" in people that might also be having trouble making friends. For example, I won't be friends with someone that I think is a bad person, or treats others badly on purpose, but I will be friends with someone that has poor social skills or is neurodivergent in a way that makes them hard for others to be around, if I think they are still a good person, and am able to enjoy spending time with them, e.g. through a shared activity we both enjoy.
I found that essentially lowering my standards in a way compatible with my values expanded my circle of potential friends, without being "desperate" in the sense of having no boundaries like I did when I was younger.
I also agree that you get to define success for yourself based on your own values. It is a mistake to take the definition of success handed to you by society/others.