[snazz]

A lot of people (myself included) procrastinate on something because it's emotionally uncomfortable, without necessarily having ADHD. For example, when I was much younger, I'd procrastinate on math homework specifically, not because I struggled with focus, but because it was difficult to admit to myself that I didn't know how to do it and would need to practice. Subjects that came more naturally to me (English, science) didn't give me a "fear of failure" response in the same way.

[equalsione]

Growing up, my parents didn't have encouragement or patience in their emotional toolkit. You were expected to do everything perfectly - homework, writing a letter, any kind of planning, even sweeping the floor or washing dishes - and if you struggled in any way you were berated at length.

Many decades later even mundane things can be a battle - ringing a doctor to ask for an appointment, or a provider to query a bill, filling in forms and so on. Most of my procrastination stems from my experiences back them. It is easier in my mind to defer action than to risk the imagined verbal abuse. I'd imagine a fair share of non-ADHD related organisational issues can be traced to similar experiences.

Just like you can't out-train a bad diet, you can't out-live a shitty childhood.

[haswell]

Really sorry you went through this. Your experience reminds me of mine, which left me to contend with a lifetime of challenges.

> Just like you can't out-train a bad diet, you can't out-live a shitty childhood.

I think I’d challenge this slightly. Out training a bad diet probably doesn’t work, but is better than a bad diet with no training. And when you fix your diet, the training can start working wonders.

My childhood left deep and unhealthy imprints, but I’m no longer in that environment. I think you can out-live a shitty childhood, by changing your diet so to speak. This is grueling work, painful, slow, and often frustrating. But replacing old patterns can really transform living in the same way changing a bad diet can transform the process of training.

Over time I’ve come to believe strongly that the only thing harder than dealing with the past is not dealing with it. And over time, this gradually transforms the present. I very much prefer the late 30s version of me to all of the preceding iterations.

Best of luck on your own journey. Send me an email if you ever want to chat. (Not selling anything, just someone who cares about this topic a lot).

[StefanBatory]

That is something I share too, I had similar experience.

Faced with hard task, I ended up not even trying - penalty for failure was the same as one for not doing something.

[adadadadadad]

That sums up a lot of workplace disfunction. Proactively pushing new ideas and then getting blamed for failure, not applauded for them attempt. It’s why corporates can’t innovate internally.

[haswell]

The book "Learned Optimism" was a life changing read for me coming from this kind of background. It includes exercises that start to rewire your brain. Highly recommended.

[StefanBatory]

Thanks, I'll check it out.

[T_MacThrowFace]

But with the upside that it is technically unknown whether or not you actually could have pulled it off if you tried, and if every once in a while you manage to perform the impossible, that covers for 100 failures.

People who don't care about their children don't care about this, of course. You have failed them simply by being a child.

"Why didn't you just have better parents you stupid little brat, didn't anybody teach you anything you absolute dumbass lazy #%!£ moron?"

"I'm sorry, mom"

[StefanBatory]

It did mess up with my ego heavily. Because once in a while I would actually manage to push through anxiety and do something, and I'd succeed.

Unfortunately it made me quite narcistic, as I ended up with belief that I could always succeed, if only I gave in some effort - but as I never tried to do that in practice, I ended up at the top of Dunning-Kruger curve. High ego, no skills.

[high_priest]

Holy crap this feels so real.

Excelling at school & career at an early age, while being absolutely trashed at home/family time, gave me the anxt from sticking my head out of the room. But, at the same time, while out and about, already working on something, subconcious power trip in most interactions.

Like, when I am already on a roll, I have this vivid vision of the tasks to take & tools to use. I am quick to decide and to come up with solutions and at the same time very loud about it.

But every time I wake up, I feel worthless, scared that I am not enough, that one step into the world, means step between thousands of angry faces that want to hold my face against a gutter.

[StefanBatory]

Yep, this... :/

Wish I could say something, but I don't really, so I'll just send you a virtual hug.

[helboi4]

How do you overcome this? I've avoided things due to emotional discomfort my whole life and I don't think I can ever do better at this point. I find that it requires conscious effort to learn to do things that are required as standard for most adults.

[snazz]

With math specifically I had a good teacher in high school who made us practice in class together. He'd get everyone to sit around a table and he'd give handheld whiteboards to every fourth or fifth person (depending on the number of basic steps in the problem), and then the person with the whiteboard would do the first step and pass it to the person on their right. That experience stuck with me because just forcing me to get started (with help available) was enough to quickly clear up anything I was avoiding getting started on at home.

I still avoid doing things because they're emotionally uncomfortable occasionally, so I haven't really found a general solution. But it's gotten better over time and it's less of an issue when I'm more invested in something.

[prometheus76]

I have found the advice in this Andrew Huberman video to be helpful. Long version: [1] Useful clip from that longer video: [2]

TL;DR: motivation is a muscle that can be developed as long as your efforts to do so are voluntary. In other words, do the hardest thing that you can actually do, even if it is just pick up one piece of trash and put it in the garbage. Or wash one dish. The list of possibilities is endless. The idea is to face your discomfort, and as you do so repeatedly, your ability to do so increases.

[1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OHYynw7Yh4 [2] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BoutTY8XHSc

[StuffMaster]

+1 for Andrew Huberman

Controlling Your Dopamine For Motivation, Focus & Satisfaction:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QmOF0crdyRU

ADHD & How Anyone Can Improve Their Focus:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hFL6qRIJZ_Y

[WhitneyLand]

Makes perfect sense. Kind of interesting the opposite can bite too: Math came naturally to me, but after seeing some high standardized test scores adults paraded them around and made a big deal of it, so it became stressful to do without perfect outcomes. For my own kids I just refused to allow a lot of that stuff like IQ testing, etc.

[darkwater]

Yep, that's my experience as well. Or because it's just something I don't like to do that much or that doesn't give me some good hormone to my brain in exchange after doing it.