Ask HN: My child was diagnosed with sensory processing disorder. What to do?

[nus07]

My 3 year old kid was diagnosed with sensory processing disorder. She has trouble with transitions, has meltdowns and gets overwhelmed in public places like stores. Grabs and wants to cling on us and needs constant attention. Also very picky eater and has trouble falling asleep.

What can I do ? Should I try to minimize clutter and reduce screen time? Has anyone experienced it themselves or have anyone close they dealt with? What are some workarounds to make parenting easier and keeping my sanity while working a high pressure job? I feel very tired and can barely get any work done ( work from home) .

I recently received a coveted job offer as an engineering manager but I am so exhausted that I am planning to turn it down and stay an IC to concentrate helping my kid.

[1ain0n_d3v]

Greetings,

I am not an expert or parent but I do have sensory processing disorder (although I also have autism and ADHD and it's hard to differentiate between them all). The first thing I would like to tell you is that it CAN and likely will get better as she gets older and you can better explain to her what is happening and communicate more clearly to navigate her specific struggles.

At this age, it's probably going to continue to be rough. Yes, I do think it is a good idea to "minimize clutter" and promote a sensory-friendly environment. That said, she will also need some exposure to things that are probably going to be uncomfortable to her! There are typically warning signs that someone is approaching a meltdown, so I recommend doing your best to identify them and help her regulate since she's still too young to self-regulate effectively.

Unfortunately I don't have a ton of practical advice because there's not really a one-size-fits-all solution here. Be understanding and patient. My parents very much were not and it exacerbated my struggles into adulthood. Know that she will appreciate your effort and will appreciate experiencing new things that might be uncomfortable at first, if you work with her instead of trying to force things onto her.

[nus07]

OP- here , I am very grateful for your and everyone’s replies. Lots of things I can read and try to make it better. I hope this helps anyone else in a similar situation. Thank you.

[GlenTheMachine]

There are no hard and fast rules. Every such child is unique.

We got through by being as flexible as possible. We had a very small number of hard and fast rules, nearly all of which were to try to ensure everyone lived and stayed sane, and which we worked out during periods when everyone was calm.

For instance, I would take my daughter and drive around with her for a couple of hours on Sunday afternoon so my wife could sleep. I did that every Sunday for about two years. My wife and I had a work schedule that we mostly stuck to. We traded off housework. We traded off who handled the night terrors so at least one of us was rested the next day.

But in general, just being rigid only caused things to get worse. So we weren't. We slept when we could, ate when and what we could, and focused on making it to tomorrow.

We also weren't afraid to experiment - a little - with medication. Daughter went on meds to help calm the meltdowns and night terrors. Wife went on antidepressants. Yes, having a toddler on psychiatric meds is problematic, but so is have three 2-hour-long night terrors every night for a year.

Daughter is now a 23 year old young women who is amazing, a joy to be around, kind and fierce at the same time, with a solid work ethic and a life plan. She's a bit behind academically, but as we keep telling her, this isn't a race. She wants to do green architecture.

[anon4692436]

Went through a very similar situation (kid with sensory issues as you describe), which was a very hard time for our family any myself. Also every doctor had a very different theory what was wrong.

What we did in the beginning is establish a plan for getting sleep in shifts. One parent is responsible for the first part of the night, the other for the second part. For a job that requires a lot of concentration, getting little sleep is really hard. Also buy noise canceling headphones / ear protection for yourself and your kid.

Regarding the sensory issues, this got better over time. Not in the way that the sensory issues itself disappeared, but everyone learned to deal with that better, most of all the kid. At some point we also became more accepting with the issues and didn't try to work against them. My kid would only eat 2%-5% of food offered. But she can have her pick and essentially always picks the same foods. Similar with clothes (same sensory issue, it seems. My take it is is actually mixed consistency of materials that is unacceptable). Working against the issues has not proven worth it - in the opposite, I think it's better to be accepting as the child cannot really help itself in this regard.

The sleep issues sorted itself out over time, but that took some years and took quite a heavy toll, unfortunately. Nothing we tried changed the situation, the kid just outgrew the problem at some point.

[jorgeleo]

I have the disorder and one of my kids have the disorder too. We both are in the autism scale (Asperger's)

As a kid, until 8 or 9 years old, my birthday parties with my friends (kids too) running around and screaming will push me to withdraw to my room and have a meltdown. I remember this stressing my parents because they wanted me to form social bonds, and in the 70s there was no vocabulary to describe what was happening to me. But this help me understand what was happening when I saw my kid doing the same.

The good news is that as we grow up we create coping mechanisms, so this is transitory and most likely will get better. Respecting the fact of having a quiet place to be helps. The clinging is the looking for safety, always welcome it or she will feel rejected at a vulnerable moment.

Which leads me to a warning. Trying to process the sensory overload put us in an emotionally vulnerable position, which in school leads to been a bully victim. Even in high school there was a guy that scream around me so I would contract and he could beat me. Same thing with my son who end up shovel into a locker. We had to involve the police on this one. Things get better around college when bigger responsibilities push away bullies.

Identify something that she likes to do and bring her peace, then provide that when she is overloaded so she can have tools to cope

[loganwedwards]

Same boat here. When my 2nd child was around 5 was diagnosed with SPD (desires heavy input, sometimes auditory stimming) and autism. This is a journey and would recommend doing some reading. I can't recommend "The Power of Neurodiversity" by Armstrong enough to understand how every individual's mind works.

Each area (picky eating, social transitions) requires patience for incremental improvements. Also note that many of our social norms (at least in the USA) are not exactly fair to those neurodiverse individuals. Sometimes, self-awareness (when the child is older) will help as well.

Good luck and don't forget to love your child for who they are.

[SEJeff]

Anxiety / meltdowns: We got some over the ear passive noise cancelling headphones for my daughter (who is moderately autistic and what you wrote would be a perfect description of her as well). They're lifesavers in public places like restaurants and stores. We have her on a pretty regimented schedule to try to minimize unexpected transitions. This helps her focus and really helps her sleep. What kind of therapists is she working with? Our daughter is diagnosed with moderate ASD and has therapy for ABA, Speech, and OT. She's 4.5 years old. We found a "sensory room" in the house is an incredible place for her to self sooth and calm down.

Sleeping: not a ton of good options. We frequently are up with her at odd hours. I'll bring her upstairs and we will watch Cocomelon at 3am for 30-45 minutes. I'll spend time sitting and reading with her as well. We often try to "wear her out" before bed by just playing a lot for a few hours before or after dinner. The hatch[1] was recommended by her ABA therapist, but we've not yet purchased it.

[1] https://www.hatch.co/rest-second-gen

[neurotech1]

Some friends who work with kids with autism use noise cancelling headphones a lot.

They also have timelines and schedules. For some kids they literally specify a "T minus" timeline.

Some therapists and parents have found it helpful to have standard routines (procedures) and checklists [1], as a few were Navy flight surgeons and aviators in their other careers. The kids get used to a standardized, but not overly rigid way.

[1] NATOPS (Naval Air Training and Operating Procedures Standardization) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NATOPS

[klyrs]

As a mom of a kid with SPD, yes reduce that screen time. We share custody 50/50, and when kiddo returns from the house with unlimited screen time, he is a monster and it can take several days for him to regain the ability to emotionally regulate.

Screen time is free dopamine. It rewards withdrawal and inactivity. For a kid with SPD, just existing in the world is painful due to all of the stimuli. Add "stop hitting people" or whatever and you're saying "ignore the incoming pain and stop redirecting that pain elsewhere." And that's really hard, and kids can do it but it takes effort with very little reward. But then you add the TV, the brain's baseline is "I can get huge rewards for zero effort," and regulation becomes a million times harder.

[houseatrielah]

I think my nephew has this. The basic idea is they have low sensory perception and are not sufficiently copying adults' behavior, specifically communication.

Diet and therapy are working. Certain foods made him worse, specifically gluten. On day-1 the therapist determined his range of perception: he had no peripheral vision and could only see a about 5-feet forward also he had auditory perception issues.

Therapy is conducted within his perceivable range (which is increasing) and its objective is to get him to copy the therapist's behavior. The professions involved are occupational therapists and speech-language pathologists.

[mwint]

> could only see a about 5-feet forward

Does this mean optical nearsightedness, or a neural thing limiting vision by distance?

[houseatrielah]

Neural

[volfied]

My daughter had the same diagnosis at 24 months. We caught on to something at 18 months when we saw all she was doing was either running back and forth across the room (making the same verbal sound), or pressing a light up toy's button again and again for an hour, without any other interest.

We ended up finding a behavioral specialist who worked with her on a weekly basis. From age 2 to 3, and through some of the pandemic. The day she said "I don't think your daughter needs me anymore" was one of the happiest days of our lives. I still say "Thank God for <specialist's name>" every time the topic comes up with my wife, or friends.

She challenged her, got her to come out of her shell and talk to her, and my daughter is about to start kindergarten this year. She still has verbal tics, and loves to stim by running back and forth, but she's also interacting with all her friends, loves to play imaginary games with herself and her brother, and if you didn't know her past, you wouldn't ever assume it about her.

So, yeah, find someone to help. It's worth it.

[castlecrasher2]

Our 7-year old has the same thing. My main advice is to not fret and stay calm as time is the real solution.

For the clinginess, some tactics we've used to account for it is to setup play dates with other kids.

For the meltdowns, we simply ignore them in the moment as best as possible. They settle down eventually.

For the picky eater-ness, he eats what we eat and when he throws tantrums he gets an early bedtime. His body compensates for the extra hunger the next day.

For trouble falling asleep well we're still dealing with that one. We've resolved to just let him read quietly in his room until he's tired and wake him up at a reasonable time.

[ajb]

The only person I know who has done this semi-openly is the author Elizabeth Moon. Her son has autism which she believes is partly a sensory processing disorder (but that's probably an simplification of her position)

Unfortunately she was most open about this in a web forum which is now defunct. But various blogs may be of interest:

Her live journal (entries tagged autism) https://e-moon60.livejournal.com/tag/autism

The blog on the (fiction) book she wrote from the PoV of a character with autism: http://www.speedofdark-thebook.com/blog/?cat=46

[Zambyte]

I am not a parent, but a concerned technologist.

If you have to ask if you should reduce the screen time of your 3 year old, I figure the answer is probably yes. For their own sake at least.

[ljf]

I'd not be so quick to judge - some parents worry if their kids use a device for 30 mins, some for an hour, some all day - so the fact they are considering scaling back doesn't really tell us much about their child's usage.

On a flip side - some children with autism that I know are greatly calmed by playing mobile and tablet games, and find books/games/tv/films uninteresting/confusing - so playing a video game is their release - limiting it too much would be negative in my opinion - as they aren't able to engage in a lot else at times.

[this_steve_j]

Was about to write a similar comment, but it seems like parents’ experience (rather than science) is the thing of real value at work here.

As a scientist with no kid in the game whose opinion carries no weight though, I would concur with both you and Dr. Phil on the matter of telephones vs threenagers.

[ndexp]

I have 3 kids with various sensory issues and have ASD, ADHD and Dyslexia myself. Focus on the child's experience, they are behaving in a way that makes sense to them. Take note of what sensory experience they seek out or avoid. Strong sensory inputs such as being upside down or deep pressure can help reset an overwhelmed system. Sensory experience is non-linear and also be hypo/hypersensitive for the same or different senses. Total exposure time can be as important as intensity.

A weighted blanket for sleeping made a very noticeable difference in how quickly my middle child woke up in the morning instead of being groggy. The difference was surprising and a bit hard to believe. You will need to try many things to find what works. Don't get stuck on other peoples typical expectations, especially in how difficult simple activities may be at times. We still use melatonin frequently, consider risks but sleep is so important to get consistently.

Try to reduce the demand on the child when possible. To soften transitions to events, arrive early while it's less busy to allow them to adapt to the surroundings. Mealtime can be contentious if you demand too much non-preferred foods. Challenge with new/non-preferred foods later in the meal when risk is lower.

Predictability is important and know when you are demanding more from your child. Watch how they respond and understand their experience, it all starts with "seeing" them as they are right now.

[lukeasrodgers]

Episode 719 of this podcast deals with SPD specifically from a parenting perspective https://brooklynparenttherapy.com/project-parenthood/

[elil17]

I'm in my early twenties and I was diagnosed with sensory processing disorder as a child, but I don't have any accompanying issues (like autism or ADHD). First of all let me just emphasize the degree to which it gets better with time. I have a pretty normal diet now (not because I'm forcing myself to eat foods that make me gag, but because I enjoy eating more things), I go to concerts and movie theaters, and I no longer need to wear tagless clothing.

Here are my thoughts:

- The discomfort that comes from sensory over-stimulation is really real. I have memories of that discomfort and I am incredibly thankful for all that my parents did to help me avoid it. If they had tried to get me to power through it I think I would not have had a happy childhood.

- As for food/picky eating I believe it is important to identify whether your kid is hypersensitive or hyposensitive with regards to different stimuli. For example, I am hypersensitive to smell (so, for example, I might become nauseous if I can smell pumpkin, even if I'm not eating it myself) but hyposenstive to taste (meaning I might gag on bland food like a baked potato). The solution I found in middle school, which I wish I'd found earlier, was hot sauce, which I use to mask the smell of foods that I don't like and make bland foods more palatable.

- Some other thoughts are tagless cloths, a weighted blanket, consistency in clothing (same or similar brand/style of clothes every day so she knows what it will feel like), finding a hairdresser who will be very patient, blackout curtains and a white noise machine for sleep, noise cancelling headphones (it is important that these be comfortable too), and an understanding babysitter.

- I'm not sure whether occupational therapy did anything for me.

- I don't think screen time really effects SPD specifically (I understand a lot of people say that it does, but I don't think that has a strong scientific/theoretical backing - which is unfortunately the case with most SPD advice). Let your kids individual response drive your strategy here - if you are finding that they are upset or restless after screen time that is a good reason to limit it more than you otherwise would, but otherwise I wouldn't worry too much.

- Minimizing clutter might be helpful, it depends on your kid and what affects them. It wouldn't have mattered to me but it just depends on her specific needs.

[qazwsxedchac]

Speaking from experience, there is no single, easy answer to your questions about specific measures and workarounds, because neurodiverse people are so, well, diverse. The common sense tips given elsewhere in this thread are worth trying. Keep what works. Discard what doesn't.

Listen to professionals' advice, especially OTs and speech therapists. Their work is most applicable here.

Don't listen - in fact, run away from - anyone who offers you a "cure", because they are trying to exploit you. There is no "cure" for neurodiversity. It's a difference, not an illness.

The most important thing to do for your daughter is the most obvious one: Love her unconditionally. Everything else flows from that, you just do what it takes. What that is will be pretty obvious 99% of the time.

The most important thing to do for yourself/selves is to be kind to yourself. You will need to advocate for your daughter as she grows up, and possibly beyond. You won't be effective at this if you're running on empty emotionally or financially.

[laddad]

You might want to rule out infection as a first step (strep and mycoplasma tests) especially if the changes were sudden.

My daughter had similar issues and ended up being diagnosed with PANS and later with autism. She didn’t have the typical autism characteristics, but we learned it’s often expressed differently in girls.

Long story short, she’s a high achiever and is studying to become an RN. Hang in there!

[fullburley]

1. Give yourself some understanding and grace. You are a good parent, doing your best, never forget that. "How to Keep House While Drowning" I have found to be a good read to help here. 2. Find an expert, hopefully near your region to help with management 3. Find any patient advocacy or support groups to connect and learn from.

[VincentEvans]

It’s a pretty large spectrum of severity.

For instance my daughter does not show any autistic symptoms, but is a very picky eater and, what presents the most difficulty for us, has clothing sensitivity - no hair clips, bands, or pony tails, only very specific baggy oversized pieces of clothing, no elastic bands wider than an inch on pants, only specific socks, etc. Its a pain and we can never get it quite right. But she is 14 now and it’s all quite “normal” to us now and we just deal with it. You find ways to cope and handle it so it becomes routine and you don’t even notice it anymore.

Also asthma is a pretty common thing to go along with this, and allergies. She is even allergic to cold - gets hives if ambient temp is low. You should check her for allergies not to end up in the hospital with something you weren’t aware of.

There are online forums dedicated to this sort of thing, hn is not a common place to go for advice.

[KyleJune]

I didn't get diagnosed with sensory processing disorder, but I did get diagnosed with Autism at a young age and have sensory issues. For example, I was a very picky eater, didn't like wearing socks or shoes, clothes with tags or graphics on them were very irritating for me to feel. My parents didn't really limit my screen time. They had given up on trying to make me eat different foods. I mostly just ate chicken nuggets and frozen pizzas. I didn't go to any sort of special school, I just went through an average public school. I can give some advice from that perspective.

I didn't really start expanding my diet until my 20s. It's hard to describe the sensory issues to others but how I would describe it is that even though I know something is food, my brain has trouble processing it and I'll end up having a gag reflex to trying many foods. What I'd suggest and what I ended up doing to expand my diet is finding safe foods, and then trying to find ways to add new foods to it, slowly expanding what is considered a safe food. For example, I ate pepperoni pizza and to help myself expand, I started adding different toppings to parts of the pizza, that way I could try something new but still have plenty of a safe food to eat if I end up being unable to get it down with the new food.

Small incremental exposure to the things that trigger negative reactions can help reduce those reactions and get them more use to it. I did the same for social situations, pushing myself to do things I'm uncomfortable with, like taking a speech class in community college, trying out to be in a play, and joining school clubs about topics I'm interested in.

In addition to this, don't be too hard on yourself about the situation. There is only so much you can do and a lot of it is out of your control. Even though my parents weren't too involved, I was lucky and turned out alright. All that extra screen time lead to me going into software engineering. I've been able to work my way up to being an engineering manager.

[axC0r30x]

A strategy that is useful in our family is priming our son (~4.5 years old) for transitions from one activity to another by verbally informing him what we are going to be doing as a series of steps.

Ex: First we will eat breakfast Then we will brush our teeth and change clothes. Then we will put on shoes and get in the car. Then we will play and have fun at school. Then daddy will pick you up. Then we can go home and eat dinner. Then we will (activity)

He can have pretty high anxiety and doing loops like this helps provide structure / routine and he can guess what is coming next so it doesn’t feel like a sudden rip out of time and place when switching to the next activity.

Also by talking about what comes next in the day it gives a chance to talk about anything they are worried about- like if they hear that the plan includes going to the store and they seem worried (noise, over stimulation, etc) now there’s a spot you can try to break down and talk about / reassure.

Ex: When we drive to the store we get out of the car and into the cart. After we get in the cart we can go get our groceries! After we find out groceries we pay and go home and eat (good stuff, yay!)

I’m diagnosed ADHD and he shows signs of being neurodivergent as well and when we plan and talk things through it really helps bring things from high effort transitions to routine. It brings time context to those who may have difficulty with time blindness / focus as well as gives a chance to reduce surprises and talk out what happens (surprise and unknowns management).

The effort for transitions and activities has gotten way easier over time and things that used to be hard like going to the grocery have turned into exciting things (let’s go get (favorite snack!)).

Our son is also very clingy but when we cling together we do things like some adults do for anxiety like name a few things we see, name a few things we hear, but also that we are here together and we are ok.

Parenting in general and parenting kids with extra needs can be super exhausting, but the fact you are asking for ideas is showing you care and are attentive - you got this :)

[TimPC]

In general, I feel that it's important to make your home environment a safe and comfortable environment. If you feel that exposure therapy is needed to help them adjust to the world (probably true, but I'd want to do this on the advice of a psychologist if possible rather than on my own) do that outside your home where you should be making every effort for them to feel safe and comfortable. So absolutely minimize clutter, reduce screen time and look for other options to make your home feel as safe as possible for your child.

[SomethingNew2]

Our son has the same thing. Patience, adapting, and time. Will require more patience in some scenarios. Finding adaptations. For example he hated hand dryers in bathrooms so we got ear muffs and he loved it. He was excited he could now use public bathrooms. Time, as they get older it’s always there but they self adapt. Now he uses hand dryers even though they annoy him - he learned to deal with it. It all works out over time.

[MisterBastahrd]

I'm not THAT type of neurodivergent, but for those who do have meltdowns in loud and crowded situations (this does not necessarily ever go away), they usually have something to help regulate their hearing so that they're not audibly overwhelmed.

You might try noise cancelling headphones for one. Doesn't even matter that they've got music playing in them, just that they're on to dull the cacophony of crowded spaces.

[themodelplumber]

Parent of a child with spd here. They are now a teen getting good grades and coping really well overall. You got a lot of input here and I am just leaving to head to work but feel free to reach out if you'd like. It's a really difficult and tricky thing with its own dynamics so you are doing the right thing in reaching out for help with it.

[Khelavaster]

Ask your kid details about whatever she doesn't seem to like.

Try cooking down fruit for nutrient dense calories.

Have you tried the tastiest, highest-quality foods you can figure out? [tasty produce, whole starch sources from good soil, decent cheese (Cabot aged cheddar or better), grassfed ideally local dairy/beef, wild fish, flavorful spices, etc.]

Make sure whatever else your kid is well rested, hydrated, and has sufficient blood sugar and nutrient levels.

Spend as much money on food and housekeeping and quiet, plentiful sleep for a few weeks as you would on doctors.

Pay attention to your kid. If there are unnatural sounds or smells that seem uniquely bad for her, don't expose her to those things...

Your kid's body reflects their needs. Be kind.

Sleep is extra extra important. Excellent mattress, mattress cover, blanket/comforter, pillow, sheets--cleaned regularly.

If her skin is sensitive and she sweats at night, sweat may make salt crystals and she'd be better off with seets changed every day...

Be kind. Be attentive. Be loving.

[taneq]

Most of the diagnoses associated with the cluster of symptoms you mention are quite heritable, so (a) she'll probably be as OK as you are, (b) ask the grandparents if any of this sounds familiar, and if so what coping strategies they discovered, and (c) it might be worth giving noise canceling headphones a go at work yourself...

[GloomyBoots]

You might want to look into the Out of Sync Child. Honestly, having been in your shoes, it is hard. Might not be the best time to ramp up your stress level, but I know that’s a hard choice to make.

https://out-of-sync-child.com/

[anon291]

> What are some workarounds to make parenting easier and keeping my sanity while working a high pressure job? I feel very tired and can barely get any work done ( work from home) .

Realistically, you / your partner / both of you should reconsider this 'high-pressure' job. Exactly what is it achieving in your life? I made the decision to take a much less pressure job (and actually went back to IC from an eng manager). I even make less money, but I'm way happier. There is no point to working if your actual life is miserable. Now I get to spend time with my kids and do fun things all the time instead of constantly being worried about my team / our work.

From my experience with my own children and others, the parents with the highest-pressure jobs tend to have kids that are just less well adjusted. Spend time with your kids; ignore everyone else.

[freedude]

Any useful advice you receive is going to be in the form of anecdotal advice and it can only be given in the general 10,000 foot view sense because we are not in front of your child.

That said...

A three year old clinging to mom and dad in a stressful situation is not abnormal to me. Comfort her, calm her, reassure her that you are not leaving her and carry on. Don't stop the interaction. Why?

If a person has a problem doing something then in order to get better at doing it they would need to practice doing it. How did you get your engineering degree by ignoring engineering principals and practices or doing them? So your toddler needs to practice transitions.

Now be smart and strategic when doing this. When she is tired or hungry it is not the time to introduce a "training session"

Be persistent and consistent. This is for her future well being and for the future of your family.

As far as your career is concerned...

...What is more important?

...What will bring a lifetime of satisfaction?

...Can you get different responsibilities which require less time?

...Switching places of business will only add more stress in the short term.

...Can you work from the "office" several days a week?

Always keep the most important thing in mind. Your task as a parent is to raise her up to go the way she should go. We can't know that but as you raise her you will become more aware of her strengths and how they should be better developed. It is ultimately her choice but your task is to help her put her best foot forward and point her in the right direction.

So begin. Like a baby. One day at a time. One step at a time. One interaction at a time. One nap at a time. One meal at a time. And grow. And when you have a bad day figure out what could have been different on your part and change it for next time.

God Bless you and keep you.

[conductr]

I think my kid is more mild than yours (his is motor sensory and has a hard time sitting still for any task and was also manifesting in some anxiety/low confidence regarding physical tasks) but without trying to give any specific advice about your kid... He goes here[0] twice a week and it's expected they will help build coping skills in <1 year time. For us, there's also some tasks we practice at home; it's basically physical therapy. Maybe you can find a local analog.

We've been at it for about 3 months and changes are noticeable. We do also maintain a zero small screen policy, but that's always been the case. Probably more TV than is healthy but it's 110F out...

[0] https://iptkids.com/

[stevefan1999]

He maybe having ADHD. As a ADHD patient myself I often have multiplied my five senses by 10x.

[theGnuMe]

First off it sounds like you are doing everything right and that you are a good parent who cares and that is awesome. It sounds like you are still in the information gathering phase as to what options and help there is.

Who provided the diagnosis? The pediatrician? Or did you see a developmental pediatrician? And what therapies did they recommend or refer you to? Did they recommend any therapies like occupational therapy and feeding therapy? OTs do a lot of sensory and feeding work so it is a good way to start.

Sensory processing disorder is typically manifest of other developmental autism, ADHD and other developmental delays. So I would consider pursuing and pushing for a referral to get an autism diagnosis and then look into services like ABA. It may be that she is still young that the doctor didn't want to call it autism or may not be qualified to do so. But she is not too young to be evaluated for autism. You mention that she has frequent meltdowns and trouble with transitions which are signs of autism. There are other signs like self soothing (rocking, flapping), rigidity (lining things up), eye contact and trouble communicating, but as it is a spectrum they may not all may be manifest.

With an autism diagnosis you can get more services for her which can include PCA (a paid care provider) to help you. What level of support you can get will depend on where you live in and her needs. If you are in the USA your state should have an Arc which can help you find services and navigate the system. https://thearc.org/. Health insurance should cover ABA therapy. Some communities have center based day programs grouped by age and need which work on getting them ready for school. I think they are fantastic. You can also get home based services as well.

It sounds like you are a concerned and caring patient wanting to do the best for your daughter. The good news is that she is young and the therapies do work. Best to start now before you get into the school systems who are not well equipped.

I have been in your shoes and am still in them so to speak and it does get better. What you learn in helping your daughter will also help you become a great manager/leader.

Also no matter which job you take be sure to set limits on your work. Management is all about setting expectations and leveraging the resources available to you vs being superhuman and doing everything.

[ryneandal]

I have two kiddos with sensory processing disorder, with various triggers.

My son (Ender) has it far worse than my daughter, and the biggest suggestion I offer is to disregard the opinions of others when you find methods to deal with meltdowns. Until we found a medication that worked for Ender, the meltdowns were catastrophic and the loss of control was overwhelming. Eventually I found that holding him tight near me eventually calmed him down. My arms wrapped around him like a great bear hug, pinning arms to the side so he cannot lash out and hurt others or break things (we lost two TVs before I figured this out). I'd even have to wrap my legs around his to prevent kicking. He would calm down after a time, and usually end up falling asleep and taking a short nap.

We purchased a nice weighted blanket and that now plays this role of comfort during his times of need. Finding Nemo was magical as well when he was beginning to melt down. The relatively quiet scenes would mesmerize him and eventually the meltdown would pass. We'd also use his favorite food as a motivation to get through particularly arduous tasks, like when he started kindergarten.

The other side of this coin is to not feel guilt or shame when meltdowns occur in public. His brain is receiving an overwhelming barrage of external stimuli and he didn't know yet how best to manage this stress and anxiety. The children will need to be around others and in stressful environments, so public meltdown is inevitable. Whenever it happens, I pick him up and remove him from the situation temporarily. You'll get side eye or accusatory glances from others who simply do not understand, but you're doing your best meeting your child's needs. Apply the calming methodologies that work for your child (I will head to the car and snuggle my son until the storm has passed), then praise them for calming down and tell them they will be going back to that environment, but it's okay. Over time, both you and your child will improve -- meltdowns will become more rare, and coping will become easier.

Finally, look into occupational therapy. Ender went for a little over a year and has learned multiple coping mechanisms we use to this day (like deep breathing...the mantra for him is "smell the flowers, blow out the candles).

I'm in a very fortunate situation for work, where my employer is incredibly understanding of my domestic situations. I have incredibly flexible availability when needed and they trust me to accomplish what is needed. I'd talk to the potential employer and describe the situation before outright turning down the offer. See if they empathize and perhaps something can be worked out.

I am far from an expert in any of this, but I've learned a lot about my situation in the past 4 years. Please do not hesitate to ask any questions if you desire.

Best of luck, and remember two things: - This is no one's fault, least of all your's or the child's. - It gets better. It will never go away, but it gets better.

[eire1130]

If you live in New York state, there are actually some really good programs you can participate in through the IEP process.

[jay1234567]

The bad news is there is no quick fix for any of this. The good news is there are options.

Occupational Therapy has shown promise for us. In the last ~9 months we have seen improvements with our kiddo who too struggles with SPD, and in many of the same ways you have shared.

We are now starting play therapy as well to help get ahead of the anxiety and are working with a therapist that can give our child tools but also us, as parents, tools for the 167 hours a week they are not in therapy.

Find some coping mechanisms that work and roll with them, even if you don't love them. We didn't love bringing a tablet with us to appointments (we like to minimize screen time) but plunk on the headphones, turn on some music and that helps distract them enough for you to talk with a doctor.

Transitions are hard for us as well because they are generally compounded by picky eating. We don't fight the picky eating but just know that if we are all having takeout for dinner, we are probably going to be putting on a pot of water to make pasta, or a pb&j because it works. We always carry snacks and bring favorites with us, even to a dinner party to stay on top of the hanger as best we can.

Sleeping, for us, has has gotten better. Physical activity helps, we have trampoline that takes up a 1/4 of our back yard and its worth the annoyance. But I usually am in the room, at the foot of the bed laying down for our night time routine and that works. A lot of times, for us, we need a midnight snack and then settling back in is no problem, but we had to figure that out as parents not get inputs from our kiddo on it. Blackout curtains, setting the AC low and setting the bedroom up for sleep success have helped.

We have found, for our child, that being in nature is also helpful and helps center them and get them out of the hustle and bustle of the city a bit.

Routine also may help.. the transitions become the norm and then are not unexpected and can help to mitigate those metldowns.

One constant thing we need to remind ourselves as parents is to not fight it or punish them for not aligning with your expectations, its not a behavior issue its they are jumping into that fight or flight lizard brain response for things.

Before you turn down that promotion it may be worth talking with your prospective boss about your situation. If you are just starting to go down this journey with your daughter don't think its never going to change or get better.

[tiahura]

Get a second opinion.

[sdfghswe]

Reduce screen time? Why are you telling a 3 year old on screens?

Yes, reduce screen time to zero.

[piuantiderp]

Screen time at 3?

I would stay a manager, not sure why it would be much different as an IC.

[GiorgioG]

My son hasn't been formally diagnosed but has/had some similar issues (he hates fireworks/loud noises, picky eater (not great given that he's a type 1 diabetic)), and also used to have trouble falling asleep on his own. Everyone and every situation is different but I think it's important that you don't stop exposing him to these triggers - introduce them slowly and be persistent. Some people take longer to become comfortable (emotionally) with something that's new/"scary"/unfamiliar with. My son (11 now) still dislikes fireworks, but he no longer is terrified of them. He tolerates them (he used to cry on the 4th of July, etc.) Despite not enjoying loud sounds he loves to hear his favorite NHL hockey team's goal horn/siren and all the noise that comes with attending a sporting event. Six years ago we took him to a soccer game featuring his favorite team at the time (Real Madrid) and while there were fireworks at the beginning and the end of the match he tolerated them because he got to see some of his favorite players.

We were at the beach last week and he was afraid of going into the ocean. I didn't push him to go further than he was comfortable with (compared to our older daughter who is fearless). I encouraged him to take a step forward with me and just stand there. We were out there for probably more than 45 minutes and by the end he was waist deep and laughing. There were a few hiccups (a few waves came in that caused him to drink some water) that made him retreat some, but he got over it.

Picky eater - this was me as a kid and my parents did me a disservice my not making me try foods "I didn't like" (even though I'd never really tried many of them). We make him try foods he claims not to like and gradually his tastes are changing (more slowly than we'd probably like, but that's ok.)

Falling asleep has been an ongoing issue that ebbs and flows. It ultimately comes down for him to learn to quiet his mind and body. Occasionally he'll have something irrational that he's afraid of. We'll have a chat, I may sit with him while he falls asleep and over time he realizes that he's safe/fine/etc.

My neighbor had a similar situation with their teenage autistic nephew who came to live with them. Rather than tip-toe around his fear of loud sounds, my neighbor forced him to learn to cope with them. He made his nephew help him hold some lumber that needed to be cut with a chop saw (they're loud if you're not familiar). At first he cringed and didn't do what he was supposed to. He told him "<name> I know you're scared, but if you don't do this I can get hurt. I know you don't want me to get hurt, so I need you to do this." The next time he did job and they kept cutting the lumber until he figured out how to cope with the noise. His nephew is now an adult in his 20s and is the lead singer in a heavy metal band.

In the end, be patient, persistent and don't stop exposing your child to these things.

[treeman79]

My youngest is like that. Severe ADHD. Opposition defiance disorder. She is amazing and exhausting.

We do a mix of give where we can. Foods that she can tolerate, clothing that doesn’t bother her. But also strict on expectations. She follows directions or gets a time out.

We had many horrible times trying to give her a 3 minute timeout. 90 minutes, 3 adults drenched in sweat. She would run out of timeout, we would bring her back.

However the better we did about staying on top it, the better she learned self control. She’s older now, still a pistol, but is generally very well behaved.

We watch her closely for migraines, as that runs in the family and is a cause of sensory issues for a lot of us.

We only use dye and fragrance free laundry soap which helps a lot. No scented anything in the house.

[ryneandal]

You just described my eldest child, only daughter. We just hit the teens and things are only escalating. She's vindictive and destructive, particularly when she can exercise her resentment towards her mother.

Still trying to figure out _something_ that works, but every failed attempt is both taxing and disheartening. I wish there was more awareness regarding ODD.

[theGnuMe]

We had a neuropsych eval and they recommended reading the book "Your Defiant Child" https://www.amazon.com/Your-Defiant-Child-Second-Behavior/dp...

It's been helpful and was initially counterintuitive. I think the author has one for teens as well.

This may not apply to your situation but the parents have to be on the same page as each other and have a mutually respectful parenting style otherwise things will appear unstable and the kid will exploit that loophole.

Also for all behavioral problems, the only person you can change or control is yourself.

And remember that every behavior is a form of communication of some underlying need.

[treeman79]

If possible channel her into something. We had ours in a few sports. Currently in All Star Cheer. (Not what you see at football games) One even got a late start at 13.

They absolutely love it, and it’s been a big positive in many ways for them. Our lazy unmotivated child works hard now and talks constantly about college, getting good grades etc. basically, she’s doesn’t want to disappoint the team or her friends, so she’s learned to push herself hard. Plus they are so busy they don’t have time to get into trouble.

We had them in horses at one point. Person selling us on it had a good point that keeping them busy and active was cheaper than teen pregnancy or years of therapy.

[tensor]

Hire a baby sitter and go to an office or co-working place. This site is an echo chamber of anti-office sentiment but I can tell you from my experience running a company many many parents actually preferred going into the office exactly because of what you are experiencing. Kids at home can be really distracting (and exhausting!)