[macrael]

Practice "aggressive friendship". People love being invited to things so when you find someone you like, start asking them out. Play tennis. See a movie. Get coffee. Happy hour after work. Walk through the park. Get lunch at work. Be respectful, be ok with a no, but believe that you are worth spending time with. And count on the fact that most folks are lonely too, and will jump at the opportunity to hang, an opportunity you are now providing.

The other thing I'll say is that I feel very lucky to have made friends with people who were already part of a big friend group. It's hard to build your own community from scratch, it is much easier to join an existing one. Birthday parties, shows, cook outs, are group events and making friends with friends of your friends builds out your web.

It's hard work, I was pretty lonely for the first two years after I moved out to the bay knowing no one, but building relationships is one of the most rewarding uses of time I know.

[woeirua]

This x 100. In many ways making friends as an adult is like romantic dating, but should be less stressful and easier. You just have to start asking people to do things together. You'll find that you really connect with some people, and others you won't but don't despair. Just keep "dating" until you find a group of people you enjoy hanging out with and who enjoy having you around.

[hinkley]

My introverted ass spends at least 6 hours a year for the last decade wondering if I should install a Customer Relationship Management program to use on my friends.

I mirror other people, always have. If they are happy to see me, I'm happy to see them. But if they don't call, I don't call. If we are both introverts we collectively decide that the other person thinks we're a toad and nobody likes us. If it weren't for the "Extrovert who collects introverts" trope I'd probably have no friends at all (or at least, prior to volunteering). There are a bunch of people I only ever see when we both show up at a third person's house or event.

[navigate8310]

You should really check out https://github.com/monicahq/monica

[carlosjobim]

> My introverted ass spends at least 6 hours a year for the last decade wondering if I should install a Customer Relationship Management program to use on my friends.

Please don't, that is not dignified neither for you nor for the people you put there. You could even call it creepy.

I had an acquaintance a few years ago that was a hacker type and I suspect he was doing that, and automatizing "what's up"-messages.

[hinkley]

Even when I'm doing the sending it still devolves to "what's up" 10% of the time.

[comprambler]

Just occurred to me that people CRM is called a phone book! Add notes, bdays, pics, etc.

[Micoloth]

> believe that you are worth spending time with

Yes but what if you are not, Lol

This sounds like generic motivational stuff..

In reality, you’ll find out that people will see it immediatly, they’ll get annoyed at you very quickly, and they sure as hell have ways to let you know

I know the obvious answer is “well then figure out how are you going to become someone who is worth spending time with”- I just feel like that’s the hard part..

[cloverich]

If its helpful i have found that i am a better version of myself around only certain people, and i dont know why. On paper i wouldnt pick them to bring it out, and cant explain it. In practice i think that means keep dating, and believe that when you find people you mutually click with, hanging out becomes mutually fulfilling.

But it takes a lot of false starts, effort, and a few tries per person to figure out. That is daunting, but also each time a click happens you have a potentially lifelong friend and you only need a few for a lifetime of fulfillment. Getting rejected even 100 times is a small price to pay for that.

The world is very big, i guarantee we all have folks we click with. Just dont try to over rationalize the reasons, or overly constrain where you look.

[rchaud]

> I know the obvious answer is “well then figure out how are you going to become someone who is worth spending time with”-

That was not what occurred to me as I read your comment. I would have thought the next step would be to try again, and then again, until eventually you find the people that can tolerate you, and even like you for who you are. They exist!

The problem with adult friendships is that, much like dating, people think they can do much better than they actually can. We feel we should have friends that are funnier, more artistic, more educated. And then we go out and pursue these people, only to realize that we don't fit in with them -- our lifestyles and backgrounds are too different -- there's a reason we made the friends we did.

If you want to change that, then you'll have to change your personality to be "worth" those other people's time. But before that, perhaps you could pause for a moment to recognize the people who did appreciate you as you were.

[missingrib]

This is a pretty weird view of it I think. Ranking people in that way.

[2-718-281-828]

> Yes but what if you are not, Lol ... “well then figure out how are you going to become someone who is worth spending time with”- I just feel like that’s the hard part..

as someone who deep down doesn't feel he's worth spending time with I have to agree. and my impression is that going down that route of trying to solve it might make things even worse because what people want is to be around other people who are easy going and relaxed. I'm convinced it boils down to that. that's why laid-back pricks are consistently more popular than uptight nice guys. even though it technically or rationally doesn't make sense. but trying to fix an issue about yourself tends to make you even less relaxed as you are busier monitoring and reflecting yourself.

[macrael]

I mean that as actionable advice. Believing you are worth spending time with makes you more fun to spend time with. If it's hard for you to believe that, I found that talking to my existing friends 1:1 about it and therapy made the difference long term.

[namaria]

"Nobody knows what's wrong with themselves, and everyone else can see it right away."

[darkteflon]

One of Mad Men’s best quotes. I’m also partial to: “That’s what the money is for!”

[singularity2001]

How do you find people that you like?