[em-bee]

it shouldn't have to be normal. ideally your partner is supporting you especially in times like this. you should be able to share with your wife what OP shared with HN. if he had, the result might have been to not only get a new job but get a job in a different location, with a new, bigger house. it's more work to pull that off, and not something they could have done while the relationship is sour, but possible if they work together.

big life decisions should never be made alone. OP came here to help make his decision, which is better than deciding all by himself but consulting with his wife would have been better still.

[bradlys]

You’re getting shit on for no good reason. It’s like people here have never been in a problematic relationship or had to work through things with their partners. I really hope I never have to be or deal with their partners.

You’re right. Ideally your partner should support you. You also shouldn’t be thinking of divorcing your wife because of your job - that sounds ridiculous and like your wife is actually a net drain to your life. (Been there…) That said - it shouldn’t be that way. If the wife is being terrible then they need to shape up and not be terrible. Partners should add value to your life and not drain it. Together you should be greater than the sum of your parts. Even when you’re both struggling - you should find comfort in that you’re both not alone in your struggle.

As well - this idea that you should be atomically happy and there should be no outside influences on your well being is just an asinine juvenile belief. Do we expect babies to not cry out for their mother? Why is it that when you’re desiring something you somehow need to become the Buddha? The fuck is wrong with people. Sometimes you just need a hug and some support from someone in your life who loves you and is willing to be there for you. You don’t need to be some mythical stoic creature who cares about nothing in this world like you’re a nihilist.

I legit wonder if maybe some of you are just super neurodivergent and need to tag yourselves as such before making such wild ass statements about how to interact with other people. Fucking HN.

[ideamotor]

Everyone on HN and reddit has to be the most right and be unnecessarily argumentative. And that includes you and me. It’s a compulsion.

[Melting_Harps]

> Everyone on HN and reddit has to be the most right and be unnecessarily argumentative. And that includes you and me. It’s a compulsion.

This is exactly why I think social media is cancerous, it normalizes that conversations devolve into a contentious battle of words for dopamine feedback loops. It's pretty pathetic that you think that is how people interact in the real World, perhaps you should interact with people in real life more often to address you 'compulsion' rather than assert your need to do so in every interaction.

[s1artibartfast]

I disagree only half ironically. In some ways, we are living through a golden age of debate. It just isn't well distributed. The problem is that it is difficult to maintain Community standards and incentives for what would legitimately be considered debate (EG listening, addressing the other person's point and maintaining good faith and civility.) There is a parallel and greater growth of online argument which many people conflate with debate. This is fed by online point systems and engagement. It is the latter that is bleeding over into the real world and causing problems.

[Melting_Harps]

> I legit wonder if maybe some of you are just super neurodivergent and need to tag yourselves as such before making such wild ass statements about how to interact with other people. Fucking HN.

I've come to this realization given how prevalent tech is with people with ADHD and Autism pretty early on and since HN is mainly tech people it's quite common to see this type of response. I used to think it was most trying to live up to some edgelord persona they've built up online but after going from idealism based startup World and stepping into the megacorp level tech worker I think it really is clear that it's the former given how they interact with people and can't read social cues at all and feel the need to interject with outlandish conclusions with seemingly no tact or discretion.

The prevalence of this issue is spoken openly by people who are afflicted but have developed coping mechanisms, but I fear that is the exception not the norm as most just insulate themselves further rather than ever address them.

As for OP, I've been in demanding relationships with partners that seem to have a need to want to make it clear to their friends/family that they're on course to marry up more than have a fulfilling relationship, and it was incredibly draining albeit an amazing learning experiences so I'm glad they never went beyond the girlfriend level for that reason. I've seen some pretty stark reactions to people in long term relationships (mainly boomer age) who 'made those work' during COVID which re-enforced the fact that most people were in what were marriages of convenience(s) as it was clear to see when they were forced to live with one another under lockdown and things got dark real fast--hence why so many divorces and things like substance abuse took place during that time.

With that said I'm glad you've been able to regain agency in your professional life, perhaps she was just giving you a goal to get your mind back to former ways?

[s1artibartfast]

I'm not interested in making up stories about OP. We don't know how supportive their partner was, how much they shared, and how collaborate they were in the process. We also don't know what alternate realities might have been.

I think it is kinda rude to make these assumptions.

I'm just saying there are plenty of problems love, support, and teamwork can't fix. Doubly so when you don't know what is wrong in the first place. A healthy marriage can help in rough times and be a source of strength and resiliency, but is hardly a panacea for all of life's problems.

[em-bee]

there are plenty of problems love, support, and teamwork can't fix.

hard disagree. there isn't a single problem that can't be fixed in a good relationship.

OP would not have needed to come here and ask for help if he had been able to talk with his wife about his problems.

[s1artibartfast]

>OP would not have needed to come here and ask for help if he had been able to talk with his wife about his problems.

wow - Because his wife is an expert in software career development, burnout, and real-estate? For all we know his wife suggested he get feedback here!

>hard disagree. there isn't a single problem that can't be fixed in a good relationship.

I am fine to agree to disagree. PSA, if you have cancer, see an oncologist. No amount of love from your partner will fix it.

[em-bee]

because his wife (and the kids) are going to be affected by the decisions he makes.

it doesn't take an expert in career development.

a partner is also the person that you should be able to share your innermost feelings with.

burnout especially is something partners should talk about. if your partner doesn't understand why you have problems at work then that will cause problems in the relationship.

sure once you have identified a problem you may need to seek out an expert. but you should still talk with your partner before taking any steps.

if i come home telling my wife that i decided to move to new york because they have the best treatment for my cancer then that's not going to fly. that kind of decision only both can take together.

same goes for changing jobs. it might change the commute, oe require a move. or reduce their income. OP was unhappy at work, taking on a better, but less well paid job was at least a possibility.

[s1artibartfast]

Why do you continually assume they don't talk with their partner??? You seem stuck on this point

[em-bee]

sorry, i read your post to fast, and missed the part where you say that the wife may have suggested to ask here.

the reason i am stuck on this is because from my experience and from what marriage counselors have told me, the majority of relationship problems come from lack of communication.

OP considering divorce doesn't sound like there was any sensible communication between them at the time.

[corrral]

I wouldn't call the attitude that one ought to be able to get all the support one needs from one's partner, no matter what, healthy. That can lead to an entire category of relationship failure, I'd say.

[em-bee]

that's a fair point and that's not what i meant.

partners should be supportive of each other and they should work together to solve problems. but a solution can include bringing in outside help.

the point is that any approach to solve a problem starts with looking at that problem with your partner and together deciding the next steps

[corrral]

> that's a fair point and that's not what i meant.

Apologies for the misunderstanding, then. Agree that keeping one's partner "in the loop", especially early on [edit: early on in seeking help for something, that is, not early on in the relationship], is generally advisable.

[Dylan16807]

> there isn't a single problem that can't be fixed in a good relationship.

Do you think that contradicts what you quoted? Yes, you can fix those problems. But sometimes it takes more than love, support, and teamwork. Sometimes you need to make other changes.

[em-bee]

i oversimplified. of course it takes more than just love, support and teamwork. you also need to act.

those other changes are the result of love support and teamwork. love, support and teamwork are the necessary conditions to find out what changes are necessary, and to be able to carry them out.

[Dylan16807]

So what did you "hard disagree" about then?

[em-bee]

i understood the statement

there are plenty of problems love, support, and teamwork can't fix

to imply that love, support, and teamwork are not always what is needed to fix a problem. and that the solution is elsewhere.

but at least when it comes to problems that affect the family and the relationship, without love, support, and teamwork nothing can be fixed. only if you have love, support, and teamwork then you can find a solution. they are a necessary condition.

i think in the further discussion we reached a common understanding that this doesn't mean that love, support, and teamwork are sufficient. they don't make the problem just go away. sometimes the solution requires further action, or outside help. nor does it mean that the love and support of one partner can solve the problems of the other on their own, but rather it is the process of collaboration and consultation of the partners with each other combined with love and support by both that enables the finding and implementation of a solution.

one thing that may have lead to the confusion is that to me, the teamwork part already implies that there is more work being done to solve a problem. love and support alone can help address a problem without hurting the relationship further, but teamwork then makes it go away. to me it implies all the work being done to solve the problem.

[3qz]

> ideally your partner is supporting you

In reality she will leave you for a guy who isn’t so miserable all the time.

[s1artibartfast]

It is certainly a possibility. It is not uncommon for people to have a personal problem that they refused to address which is unacceptable for their partner, even if they love them.