[em-bee]

there are plenty of problems love, support, and teamwork can't fix.

hard disagree. there isn't a single problem that can't be fixed in a good relationship.

OP would not have needed to come here and ask for help if he had been able to talk with his wife about his problems.

[s1artibartfast]

>OP would not have needed to come here and ask for help if he had been able to talk with his wife about his problems.

wow - Because his wife is an expert in software career development, burnout, and real-estate? For all we know his wife suggested he get feedback here!

>hard disagree. there isn't a single problem that can't be fixed in a good relationship.

I am fine to agree to disagree. PSA, if you have cancer, see an oncologist. No amount of love from your partner will fix it.

[em-bee]

because his wife (and the kids) are going to be affected by the decisions he makes.

it doesn't take an expert in career development.

a partner is also the person that you should be able to share your innermost feelings with.

burnout especially is something partners should talk about. if your partner doesn't understand why you have problems at work then that will cause problems in the relationship.

sure once you have identified a problem you may need to seek out an expert. but you should still talk with your partner before taking any steps.

if i come home telling my wife that i decided to move to new york because they have the best treatment for my cancer then that's not going to fly. that kind of decision only both can take together.

same goes for changing jobs. it might change the commute, oe require a move. or reduce their income. OP was unhappy at work, taking on a better, but less well paid job was at least a possibility.

[s1artibartfast]

Why do you continually assume they don't talk with their partner??? You seem stuck on this point

[em-bee]

sorry, i read your post to fast, and missed the part where you say that the wife may have suggested to ask here.

the reason i am stuck on this is because from my experience and from what marriage counselors have told me, the majority of relationship problems come from lack of communication.

OP considering divorce doesn't sound like there was any sensible communication between them at the time.

[s1artibartfast]

Thank you for rereading and for sharing.

My experience differs. In my experience, multiple marriage and personal counselors have been very clear that there are personal problems and relationship problems. Personal problems can cause relationship problems, and often times a spouse can only lend support as individuals work through their personal problem.

It can be unhealthy and destructive to expect your spouse or relationship to solve a personal problem.

People can have other types of problems besides relationship problems.

[heywoodlh]

> Personal problems can cause relationship problems, and often times a spouse can only lend support as individuals work through their personal problem.

Totally agreed with this.

In my experience (~7 years married) I didn't acknowledge I had anxiety for a really long time -- because I didn't know it. Up until the moment I actually acknowledged it I couldn't "level up" in my relationship.

On top of that, people change with time and experience (for better or worse). I feel like I am a completely different person than who I was when I first got married. Fortunately, I changed in ways that happened to be good for my relationship -- but I truly believe that some people have to level up by leaving a relationship -- even if it's not necessarily a "bad" relationship.

I.E. a relationship may begin with or without religion and if that changes for one of them it could be a breaking change for the other -- even if the people still treat each other with mutually love and respect and are hypothetically perfectly healthy with one another.

[em-bee]

i agree with that. the partner can't solve personal problems, but support from the partner is often necessary and helpful in order to allow the other to solve their problem. especially when that problem affects the relationship

[corrral]

I wouldn't call the attitude that one ought to be able to get all the support one needs from one's partner, no matter what, healthy. That can lead to an entire category of relationship failure, I'd say.

[em-bee]

that's a fair point and that's not what i meant.

partners should be supportive of each other and they should work together to solve problems. but a solution can include bringing in outside help.

the point is that any approach to solve a problem starts with looking at that problem with your partner and together deciding the next steps

[corrral]

> that's a fair point and that's not what i meant.

Apologies for the misunderstanding, then. Agree that keeping one's partner "in the loop", especially early on [edit: early on in seeking help for something, that is, not early on in the relationship], is generally advisable.

[Dylan16807]

> there isn't a single problem that can't be fixed in a good relationship.

Do you think that contradicts what you quoted? Yes, you can fix those problems. But sometimes it takes more than love, support, and teamwork. Sometimes you need to make other changes.

[em-bee]

i oversimplified. of course it takes more than just love, support and teamwork. you also need to act.

those other changes are the result of love support and teamwork. love, support and teamwork are the necessary conditions to find out what changes are necessary, and to be able to carry them out.

[Dylan16807]

So what did you "hard disagree" about then?

[em-bee]

i understood the statement

there are plenty of problems love, support, and teamwork can't fix

to imply that love, support, and teamwork are not always what is needed to fix a problem. and that the solution is elsewhere.

but at least when it comes to problems that affect the family and the relationship, without love, support, and teamwork nothing can be fixed. only if you have love, support, and teamwork then you can find a solution. they are a necessary condition.

i think in the further discussion we reached a common understanding that this doesn't mean that love, support, and teamwork are sufficient. they don't make the problem just go away. sometimes the solution requires further action, or outside help. nor does it mean that the love and support of one partner can solve the problems of the other on their own, but rather it is the process of collaboration and consultation of the partners with each other combined with love and support by both that enables the finding and implementation of a solution.

one thing that may have lead to the confusion is that to me, the teamwork part already implies that there is more work being done to solve a problem. love and support alone can help address a problem without hurting the relationship further, but teamwork then makes it go away. to me it implies all the work being done to solve the problem.