[s1artibartfast]

>OP would not have needed to come here and ask for help if he had been able to talk with his wife about his problems.

wow - Because his wife is an expert in software career development, burnout, and real-estate? For all we know his wife suggested he get feedback here!

>hard disagree. there isn't a single problem that can't be fixed in a good relationship.

I am fine to agree to disagree. PSA, if you have cancer, see an oncologist. No amount of love from your partner will fix it.

[em-bee]

because his wife (and the kids) are going to be affected by the decisions he makes.

it doesn't take an expert in career development.

a partner is also the person that you should be able to share your innermost feelings with.

burnout especially is something partners should talk about. if your partner doesn't understand why you have problems at work then that will cause problems in the relationship.

sure once you have identified a problem you may need to seek out an expert. but you should still talk with your partner before taking any steps.

if i come home telling my wife that i decided to move to new york because they have the best treatment for my cancer then that's not going to fly. that kind of decision only both can take together.

same goes for changing jobs. it might change the commute, oe require a move. or reduce their income. OP was unhappy at work, taking on a better, but less well paid job was at least a possibility.

[s1artibartfast]

Why do you continually assume they don't talk with their partner??? You seem stuck on this point

[em-bee]

sorry, i read your post to fast, and missed the part where you say that the wife may have suggested to ask here.

the reason i am stuck on this is because from my experience and from what marriage counselors have told me, the majority of relationship problems come from lack of communication.

OP considering divorce doesn't sound like there was any sensible communication between them at the time.

[s1artibartfast]

Thank you for rereading and for sharing.

My experience differs. In my experience, multiple marriage and personal counselors have been very clear that there are personal problems and relationship problems. Personal problems can cause relationship problems, and often times a spouse can only lend support as individuals work through their personal problem.

It can be unhealthy and destructive to expect your spouse or relationship to solve a personal problem.

People can have other types of problems besides relationship problems.

[heywoodlh]

> Personal problems can cause relationship problems, and often times a spouse can only lend support as individuals work through their personal problem.

Totally agreed with this.

In my experience (~7 years married) I didn't acknowledge I had anxiety for a really long time -- because I didn't know it. Up until the moment I actually acknowledged it I couldn't "level up" in my relationship.

On top of that, people change with time and experience (for better or worse). I feel like I am a completely different person than who I was when I first got married. Fortunately, I changed in ways that happened to be good for my relationship -- but I truly believe that some people have to level up by leaving a relationship -- even if it's not necessarily a "bad" relationship.

I.E. a relationship may begin with or without religion and if that changes for one of them it could be a breaking change for the other -- even if the people still treat each other with mutually love and respect and are hypothetically perfectly healthy with one another.

[em-bee]

i agree with that. the partner can't solve personal problems, but support from the partner is often necessary and helpful in order to allow the other to solve their problem. especially when that problem affects the relationship