Ask HN: What do you look for in a romantic partner?

[mclbdn]

What do you value the most in a romantic partner?

I'm currently in a situation where I have 2 people in my life:

A long-term partner that I've been with for almost 5 years(last 2 years open relationship). They are super fun and chill and make me feel good, but their irresponsibility is driving me nuts and I cannot imagine them being like this once we have kids. They have almost no goals and give up on things easily.

My new partner is a medical doctor. We hang out pretty much all the time and are able to talk about intellectual and spiritual things and I can definitely imagine having an "adult life" with them, but they are a bit too serious and lack fun.

The reason I'm asking here on HN and not Reddit/Quora is that the majority of HN readers are probably, personality-wise, a bit like me: most likely introverted, pragmatically-thinking nerds that I can mostly relate to.

Also, sorry for my bad English, it's not my first language.

[MandieD]

I’ll give you the old saw: who do you want to share a checkbook with? Not exactly literally - my husband and I have always had very separate accounts due to the weird issues being a US citizen abroad presents, but we still share a common financial future. And a kid.

Money fights are the cause of a lot of divorces.

Speaking of kids, the responsibility factor is even more important. And the sexy fun factor is even less. (The jokes about parents not having sex anymore are not about a loss of attractiveness)

However, if you do consider committing to a partner with a serious career, discuss who is going to be the one, in the end, who will take the career hit of being the primary caretaker. My husband takes our kid to daycare most days, puts him to bed most nights, and takes him out to play on off days. He jumps in to change diapers when available. He is fantastic.

However, I’m the one who drops everything and runs to daycare if they call, and attempts to work while watching him if he can’t go. My colleagues are familiar with my kid; my husband’s are not. We decided long before our kid came along that as an IT professional, I was in a better position to recover from the hit. It’s still a harder hit than I thought it would be.

[Cheiree]

Once you have kids the problems will arise on their own, so you need somebody you can depend on or you will suffer.

Also sleep deprivation is not conductive to having a happy sex life.

In our age marriage is done out of love, but legally it is still a contract about the provisioning of resources and services. Having a happy marriage is like winning the lottery, but having an unhappy marriage is like living in a plane crash waiting to happen every fricking day with you sitting in a window seat. Choose wisely.

[mungoman2]

Very interesting perspective, thanks for sharing! I'm curious about the hit you mention? Could you expand a bit on what consequences you are experiencing?

[srvmshr]

It was not necessary for me to find a partner in the same field (CS/Engineering). Much rather I thought being a nerd, my opinions could have conflicted a lot had my partner been a co-worker. I ended up falling in love and marrying a language major.

My 2 cents: Look for compatibility. Partners should be able to tolerate or even encourage each other's tastes. I like books. She loves music. 4 years later, I know more about classical music by indulging her & she cursorily knows what's happening in the tech / ML scene & appreciate the challenges in my job.

We don't take ourselves very seriously. Keeping ego aside is very important. Making a clear division of responsibilities too. I nitpick on folding clothes & keeping organized. She takes care of the letters, paperwork & bills/credit card.

Conjugal relationship needs to be healthy but not an absolute make-or-break. Humor, honesty & keeping each other in good company are far more valuable. Looks fade, jokes go out of fashion, clothes & get-up even faster so - what counts is if the person is your "go-to-person" when any crisis falls. Fun times only last so much. Crisis & difficulties test the true character of a relationship. If you think this person is more likely to stick with you, whether fun or serious, that person counts in your life.

Edit: Its much easier for a serious person to loosen up, but quite hard for an irresponsible person to be responsible.

[Nathanael_M]

Happily married. The only general advice I can offer is to ensure you have the same primary priorities and make sure they’re someone who you’re willing to put before yourself. Easier said than done, but lasting love isn’t easy.

[cko]

I'm that person who hates responsibility and wants everything not serious. I think I'd prefer someone similar. That said, though I shirk responsibility, I think it's because I know how heavy it could be, so when I do have (for example) someone to take care of, I take it seriously.

What I learned from my current relationship is that I'm less chill than I thought I was, and that certain behavior patterns only show up later on, or are dependent on how much time is spent together in a day.

[Blackstone4]

Forgive me I’m out of line, the way I read your post is as follows, your long term partner is someone who you have/had fun with and enjoyed life and activities together. However they are limited to that because you might not respect them any more..because they are irresponsible.

Ultimately when it comes to kids, it’s my belief that having a reliable partner is important plus being in a committed monogamous relationship. But you also want someone with a sense of humour to laugh and alleviate stress in hard times. Having kids is hard work for two people let alone one if your partner is afk…you will not have as much time to find other partners or do as much outside of work and family.

[dazc]

As we say in the UK, 'You Can't Have Your Cake and Eat It'. Which is another way of saying that you're always going to have to accept some compromises in life and nothing will ever be perfect, especially not where relationships are concerned.

Both partners will annoy you and delight you in different ways and you'll always be thinking you made the wrong choice.

This is the answer you weren't exactly looking for, sorry.

[cyberge99]

Find a person that makes you laugh and you will be happy for the rest of your life. Everything else fades (looks, money, status).

[mns]

A bit off-topic, but seeing some of the Ask HN threads recently, I get this weird feeling that some people might just be asking some questions for data mining. Call me paranoid, but this, the one from yesterday with weight loss, just feels weird. Get to know the people of HN, like those silly questions on social media that were used some time ago.

[forgotmypw17]

I look for someone who communicates well, gets along well with others, and has a positive outlook.

In a more-than-two-people relationship, these are especially important, because eventually you'll be introducing them to your partner, and without these traits they're almost guaranteed to be a burden on your existing relationships.

[muzani]

My rule of thumb is pick someone who you'd want to be stuck in a zombie apocalypse with. A married couple is a single unit, not two individuals.

[p1esk]

Do they know about each other?

[mclbdn]

Yes, they do.

[p1esk]

Then why change anything?

[mclbdn]

I prefer not to go into details, but current circumstances are kind of forcing me to choose between one of them(I'll be leaving the country I currently live in and will be returning to my home country).

[p1esk]

"Should I eat ice cream or steak?"

[throwaway352718]

So, when I saw this I thought that it was a generic question on what HNers look for in a a partner.

It is not, as I see.

Relationship advice is a very complicated matter. And I cannot dispense relationship advice based on so little information. The information is literally a few paragraphs.

I give relationship advice and set people up whom I have known at least for months.

I have caused two marriages, one relationship going on for eight years, one that lasted 3 years and so on.

I think that you are a woman. But I will not base my opinion on that.

Lifelong relationships should be given very thoughtful consideration. It is also linked with who you truly are. What kind of relationship would be the most suitable for you? These are wha Mt you have to know.

If you want a very stable life of peace (peace as in peacetime), then you will have to trade some wild fun for it.

And if the stable, responsible one allows you to have fun outside now and then, then what's wrong with it? You should stay with the stable one, and have fun outside often.

As you are thinking of kids, I assume you want stability. And share responsibility.

The doctor seems the better option here.

But will they allow you to maintain a lifestyle that you are currently having? Or, are you sure if you will want to maintain the same 5-10 years from now on?

What about your financial situation? How is it?

Just as MandieD said below, I am ready to to take predictable, measured responsibility no matter how hard or annoying it is.

How about you, or either of your partners? Will they be there for unforseen responsibility?

There are simply too many unknowns. I cannot suggest you some clear answer. Not should I.

I seriously suggest that you write things down. Elaborately, clearly. Your feelings, both of their merits, demerits, all ups and downs and so on.

Writing makes things clearer.

Some general advice that I can offer are:

1. Compatibity matter a lot. All kinds of compatibility. You ask yourself- "Do we feel the same about X?" Where X is not some thing. It is just you both being okay with the others' choices.

2. Communication matters. From smallest things to the largest, you should be able to communicate each and everything. Where is that better?

3. Respect matters to me, but I do not know about others. I genuinely respect my woman with whom I have been for 7 years. I am her fan and would be the same even if she were not mine.

4. Physical attraction is not to disregarded entirely. It matters.

[WaxedChewbacca]

> last 2 years open relationship

I'd like to make a counter suggestion that your relationship ended two years ago, but you have not really ended it nor started a new one. There's a very good reason we have a tradition of choosing exactly one person to grow old with. Are you able to explain it in your own words? If not, I suggest you have an immature understanding of love. Please officially end both the relationship that died and the affair that you're having. Then go ask some old happy people for advice on relationships.

[forgotmypw17]

I suggest that you have a very sheltered understanding of relationships and their variety. The tradition you cite is not universal.

[randomtwiddler]

The lack of universality is a problem. People experimenting with unknown formulas get unknown results including deep seeded unhappiness.

Fidelity to a single partner of the opposite sex will produce the best results. Children are more important, and more fulfilling, than anything one might accomplish in a career.

[WaxedChewbacca]

If it's the case that I just have a stone-age opinion because I was raised in rural Georgia by evangelicals or something, why not demonstrate understanding of my point, and then go on to explain why it's obsolete?

> There's a very good reason we have a tradition of choosing exactly one person to grow old with. Are you able to explain it in your own words?

[stevekemp]

We have had many traditions when it come to relationships - for example the tradition that all couples were a pair of one male, and one female, and they always ended in marriage.

Sure it might be easier to explain your relationship if you're an "average married couple", but there have always been alternatives - even in the past mistresses were common-place, and so were affairs.

I'm married, but I live in a separate house to my wife, for example. That works wonderfully for us, but is obviously not a traditional arrangement - and why should it be?