[hestipod]

Nothing. All the conventional things, the things people are posting here repeatedly. I don't have. I either never had them like truly loving family, or they were taken from me like health and security. There were a handful of wonderful people but they are all gone while the shit ones thrive. There was a career helping others and making the world a better place, but that was taken too. Even the one thing I actually care about anymore, my cat, is a double edged sword because she has brought me much joy, and I have done my best for her, but I cannot give her the future she deserves because I cannot even survive my own. I can only hope the people in my life who never do the right thing will this time do the right thing by her and my legal directives. None of it was worth the 95% of my life that was pain and misery. The only good thing is that it will end soon...and that's just bittersweet rather than some comfort. It was all a great disappointment...people mostly so.

[christiansakai]

Last night I actually just binge watching Youtube and Youtube sent me to that side of Youtube, where I gradually progress from watching something about instagram reality, then people being ugly living in society, abandoned by parents and families, and then....to people with crazy incurable debilitating diseases and disabilities such as conjoined twins on head, torso, people having burns all over the body literally looked like a living zombie, people with bended bones all over the place, people with no limbs, people with extra skins that made them looked like elephants, people born without eyes, people with flesh eating diseases, people with upside down head due to backbone disease, and a lot of these people are kids....

and yet they are still fighting daily, encouraging us, who are luckier than them, to not give up. I felt sad, but at the same time really encouraged and thankful. I hope all of them will find love and peace in spite of their conditions

[hestipod]

Yeah I am one of those people in many of the ways you have listed so the "we should appreciate how lucky we are" thing doesn't really apply to me. I am not lucky. I was disfigured, disabled, left in severe pain. I do not have a loving family or social support. I lost everything I worked hard for. That's the entire problem...there is no hope or help or luck. I am really an idiot for ever speaking about this because it's always those sort of scripts, or criticism, or hopes and prayers...the one thing that would help people who have it this bad...time and money...aren't something people are willing to spend. I need to stop expressing myself at all because the same old same old is just upsetting. Desperation makes you a fool and causes you to beat your head against the walls closing in on you even though all it does it make it hurt more.

[meonkeys]

Are you suicidal?

[hestipod]

Yep. And, ironically since greed and profits ruined my life and stole my future, the only thing that will change that at this point is a lot of money to buy survivable conditions and be able to try treatments and options and have the basics of life. My magical wishes would be a new body in a world without capitalistic greed and egos, but in this world with those things the only thing that could save me is the thing that ruined me...because that's the game. And since no system would help me, and family has abandoned, blamed, and ignored me, and there is no money tree to pluck down piles of cash from. Flipping the switch off before even THAT becomes physically/situationally impossible for me is the only choice. Not like I want it...but I want to live in this pain and this place and with this deplorable quality of life less.

[meonkeys]

I'm so sorry. I can listen and I hear you.

The national suicide prevention lifeline is 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Would you consider calling?

[hestipod]

I don't need to "talk". I need practical support. I don't need words. I need money and a flat and stability and medical care. The same things I have always needed and was always denied. I've called hotlines in some dark times and they were useless. Most are just call centers for private clinics and try to get you into a paying facility. Everyone I know who has ever called them had the same experiences. Some were even betrayed and had authorities sent to their homes resulting in imprisonment in a mental facility and massive bills making their financial problems even worse. Nothing people think they "know" intuitively about suicidal people or the "options" we have is correct. Most things they do make it worse. To help you have to solve root problems...and root problems cost money and take commitment of time and energy. That's too much bother for people so they hand out pills and hotlines.

[prpon]

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I hope you hang in there, one moment, one breath at a time. I will hold you in my thoughts tonight.