[hestipod]

Yep. And, ironically since greed and profits ruined my life and stole my future, the only thing that will change that at this point is a lot of money to buy survivable conditions and be able to try treatments and options and have the basics of life. My magical wishes would be a new body in a world without capitalistic greed and egos, but in this world with those things the only thing that could save me is the thing that ruined me...because that's the game. And since no system would help me, and family has abandoned, blamed, and ignored me, and there is no money tree to pluck down piles of cash from. Flipping the switch off before even THAT becomes physically/situationally impossible for me is the only choice. Not like I want it...but I want to live in this pain and this place and with this deplorable quality of life less.

[meonkeys]

I'm so sorry. I can listen and I hear you.

The national suicide prevention lifeline is 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Would you consider calling?

[hestipod]

I don't need to "talk". I need practical support. I don't need words. I need money and a flat and stability and medical care. The same things I have always needed and was always denied. I've called hotlines in some dark times and they were useless. Most are just call centers for private clinics and try to get you into a paying facility. Everyone I know who has ever called them had the same experiences. Some were even betrayed and had authorities sent to their homes resulting in imprisonment in a mental facility and massive bills making their financial problems even worse. Nothing people think they "know" intuitively about suicidal people or the "options" we have is correct. Most things they do make it worse. To help you have to solve root problems...and root problems cost money and take commitment of time and energy. That's too much bother for people so they hand out pills and hotlines.

[prpon]

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I hope you hang in there, one moment, one breath at a time. I will hold you in my thoughts tonight.