Ask HN: Is it possible to train oneself to be calmer/kinder?

[vijayr]

Not referring to "grit your teeth and be fake polite" which I've noticed many people do. But genuinely be calm (when production systems go down and customers are yelling, for example) and kind (especially when others around us are unreasonable just because they can) and lastly, be kind to self. And absolutely not use crap like sarcasm to deal with the situation.

Any tools that worked for you in professional and personal life?

[DoreenMichele]

A. Work on your health. Being in better physical shape makes it easier to take such things in stride.

B. Look to your health in the moment as well. While raising special needs kids, I learned that a glass of water, something to eat and/or a short nap was often the difference between losing my shit and continuing to rise to the occasion. So, stop, go to the break room and take care of yourself for 5 minutes. Then deal with it.

C. Journal and work on the person in the mirror. Often, things get a rise out of us more because of baggage from the past than because of how bad it really is right now.

D. Do volunteer work in something that exposes you to problems that get a big reaction out of you. Having perspective can be very valuable for keeping your cool in the face of stressful work situations. If you deal with life threatening, messy problems on the weekend as a volunteer, most problems that come up in an office job just won't get past your callouses enough to get under your skin.

E. Educate yourself on how to effectively solve various problems. Knowing you can fix it is probably the single biggest source of calm in the face of a tempest. So up your game. Figure out what your weak areas are and start filling them in.

[jabv]

In Catholicism (and probably in some other religions), there is a practice of an "examination of conscience." It has helped me to make improvements of the kind you refer to.

Basically, the essence is to take 5 minutes at the very end of the day to think back through each hour of the day, perhaps with a couple of focus questions (eg "did I become angry, even internally"). You use your will to sincerely regret anything that you think was wrong, and maybe use a bit of problem solving to see how it could have gone differently.

Five minutes at the end of the day (maybe it stays on your mind as you sleep? but that's just my bro-science) every day for a month should help you make some small steps.

[snowpanda]

This is great, do you have any more resources where one can learn about this?

[jabv]

Sorry for the late reply, but most resources I know about would get more specific about particular morality of the religion. If that's what you're looking for, you should get plenty of results searching for "Catholic examination of conscience."

[1000units]

Catholicism really is a beautiful religion.

[locococo]

I found Stoicism to be helpful in such events and a good philosophy in general. For this particular application you have to accept That there are external events you can’t control but there are certain things you can do to improve the situation. So instead of focusing on the external and getting all stressed About it you think about what the best course of action is you can take to help the situation.

Sorry for my rambling I am just starting to learn the concepts myself from this book: A Guide to the good life

[misframer]

I agree. I recommend reading "The Daily Stoic" as a good introduction, and the format makes you think about the principles on a daily basis.

[locococo]

Thank you for the book tip. I will add it to my list.

[Rainymood]

Don't add it to your list, buy it and read it. Carry it with you. It helped me a lot. It's a great book because you can open it on any page and get a nugget of useful information. It starts with the title and then a quote by either Marcus Aurelius or another philosopher after which it expands on that quote with some context. There's some really good (and easily digestable) information in there. I earmark the best quotes and so far I've earmarked around 20 pages.

[agitator]

Stoicism is a good philosophy to read up on and practice... it definitely helps being ingrained with this from a young age (parents who had an approach to problems this way) it's more difficult to re-wire your "impulse" responses later in life, but through constant evaluation of your responses to things, you can successfully retrain your brain. It will help you be more calm, composed, and confident under pressure.

[k4ch0w]

I would say weightlifting has made me much calmer in my day to day. If I workout in the morning, nothing else can bring me down during the day. It's just the iron against me. If I can conquer my mind telling me I can't do that I'm too weak, and repeatedly prove it wrong then, what else is my mind wrong about?

It annoys my girlfriend sometimes because nothing really bugs me or gets me really upset though she tries her best. I would say this, and stoicism are big reasons why. There are also numerous studies that show exercise reduces stress an improves your overall well being.

[anotheryou]

TL;DR: relax, try, don't worry about being fake.

All you need is good intentions and to be relaxed enough to live up to them.

The problem of course: Relaxation is rarest in the moments you described. I see two ways things can still work out:

- You start being calmer in smaller situations, like in traffic and little by little it will also help you with bigger situations. How exactly you stay calm is probably something personal. I need to rationalize and take a moment to think (simply not acting on anything until I have thought it through as a precaution). Further I can remind myself of how little this moment matters in the big picture. Especially at work: it's just a game we play to earn money, it's not my life.

- You can try to reduce stress in general. There are many ways to do this: No driving, no group work, less work, more generosity towards yourself (especially embracing laziness), having a plan for a better future, taking a breath of fresh air (join the smokers, just don't get started smoking :) ), avoiding toxic power hierarchies, shedding responsibilities (especially professionally: make clear where your responsibility ends and worry less about the rest; where you are responsible also claim some authority)

About fakes: I personally hate anything fake, but this is especially true for two-faced fakers that kind of lie by doing it. If you are acting to be the person you want to be it is different: It has the underlying truth that you want to be like this. It can quickly begin to feel natural to act that way and become much less fake and more relaxing. Just make sure that it feels like an accomplishment if you act like you want to act (and not like you have to swallow anger and frustration and risking to burst at some point).

[imhoguy]

Going out with smokers without smoking - this plus after lunch walk, may sound trivial but does wonders to my body and mind. Also heped me leave geek zone and establish a variety of professional connections.

[anotheryou]

Oh and debriefing is good: tell someone about your day and what challenges came up. Be it friend, girlfriend, gaming partner or a college. You might just have to sit through their stories as well :)

[audiometry]

Practice meditation consistently.

Also, if you are angry and I compassionate towards with yourself, it’s quite hard to be genuinely compassionate toward others.

[dfraser992]

The first things that come to mind is Buddhism or Sufism. You might think associated meditative techniques would be all that you need, but I don't think them alone do much without a surrounding framework to guide you in changing yourself and how you relate to others, the outer world, your inner world, reality... That is the subtext I am picking up on in your question. Or stoicism like someone else said, if you don't want anything too connotative of 'religion'.

Sarcasm, OTOH, is sometimes useful. It's knowing when is the trick. Justifiable expressions of anger are sometimes necessary; at the very least, ignoring it means you are ignoring something pertinent and meaningful to yourself which shouldn't be ignored. How to take action based on that anger is another question...

[staunch]

1. Realizing how life short is, how precious it is, and how much you don't want your life to have been about causing other people pain.

2. Realizing that everyone is doing their best, because no one chooses their genetics or environment. No one is trying to be bad at life, and no one is ultimately responsible for being good at life. Everyone is just doing the best with the hand they were dealt. Being incredibly understanding and forgiving of peoples' faults is the only logical thing to do.

The difficulty is keeping this in the center of your mind while your brain experiences real world stressors (see #2).

[panda888888]

Yes, absolutely. Start by purposely working on your listening skills. Listening is the easiest and best way to be kind.

[yesenadam]

Sure it's possible. At the same time, that degree of calmness and kindness sound virtually like super-powers - very advanced stuff. Not many people at all could do that. Probably you'd have to also deal with a lot of your personal shit to not be triggered in those situations. I know I'm not so advanced as that.

I got a lot from a wide range of self-help books. e.g. early Wayne Dyer, SARK; psychological books, e.g. New Guide to Rational Living; spiritual books e.g. new age, hindu, sufi, xtian, buddhism of various kinds.. Too many to name, and everyone needs something different - I just took what was helpful from a wide range of stuff.

Since you seem to know the kind of things you want to improve in, maybe Ben Franklin's method would work (it sounds not very different from the catholic "examination of conscience" written about on this page) : rule up a page with a grid, with the virtues/habits to want to see in yourself down the side, the days along the top. Then at the end of each day, you put a black spot at each virtue/habit you've lapsed in that day.

Patience with yourself is vital, loving yourself - treating yourself like you would someone you really love. (I used to say awful things to myself in a way I'd never talk to another person).. Good luck! I get the feeling you're already better at this stuff than most people.

[jdowner]

I try (and struggle) to be calmer/kinder. There are a lot of good suggestions here, and I have tried most of them. They work but I have found it hard to stick with them.

One idea you may want to consider is to do something pro-active to create calm, rather than using a retro-active approach. One place I have found that useful is when driving. I live in Boston. Drivers are a little aggressive. It is easy to get into a cycle of aggression and frustration. But I found that by trying to be more generous and accommodating (allowing space in front for people to merge, always slowing down when someone indicates they want to merge), it was easier to shrug off the actions of others when they were inconsiderate.

I would also hold the image of a duck in my mind. Odd, yes. It comes from the expression, 'like water off a ducks back.' It describes someone who does not let some issue become a burden that weighs on them. Rather, they 'let it go'... which is a phrase that I would say to myself to reset and imagine the weight sliding off my back like water on a duck. And then the movie 'frozen' came out and now when I say 'let it go...' I mentally start singing the song of the same name. Singing is not a bad solution either :)

[andrei_says_]

Yes, absolutely. I know because I do train people in exactly that.

Look up nonviolent communication; there’s a lot of workshop recordings on YouTube.

Some of the things I like about the practice:

- provides a solid scalable framework of understanding behavior (all actions are seen as driven by universal human needs, all feelings are indicators of needs met or not met)

- effortless compassion - looking for the needs behind behavior helps connecting to the underlying driving forces that guide your actions, and recognize that at any time you’re doing your best with what you have (current thoughts, emotions, rest and blood sugar levels etc.)

- empowered commitment to take responsibility for meeting your own needs. Deeply compassionate self-care.

- communicating your disagreement and disappointment in a non-confrontational way, opening possibility for understanding and connection in conflicting situations.

- communicating requests in a clean way, without hooks or manipulation

- communicating appreciation in a way that conveys the person’s contribution and enriches their life, without transfer of power or manipulation.

- while nonviolent, it is very powerful. Being aware of and committed to meeting your needs helps you being a good guardian. For example in a boring conversation, a person who is aware of her needs, and committed to meeting them, would interrupt the second she feels uninterested, communicate her list of interest in a non-offensive way (“while I am enjoying speaking with you, I am noticing my attention drifting. I think I’ve reached the limit to my interest in racing cars. Appreciate your excitement about them, brings me joy to witness your passion.”)

Some of the challenges with the practice is that much of it has to do with language and that sometime leads to an intellectual approach to teaching it. The way I teach is much more embodied so that my students can ground the practice in their emotional response/physical reality.

[woodandsteel]

I second the vote for nonviolent communication. It is very helpful.

[andrei_says_]

It takes focused repetition as it requires rewriting of learned reactions. Worth the time in my experience.

[pythia__]

>kind (especially when others around us are unreasonable just because they can)

Think about why you want to be kind to such people. It is one thing if you expect your kindness to disarm them and be reciprocated and another if you don't. If you don't, you would only be rewarding and reinforcing bad behavior. Surrendering to avoid conflict is not a viable long-term strategy in any career but that of a monk. It is far better to learn to stand up to those who mistreat you without undue kindness.

[kleer001]

A very good question!

The biggest things that have worked for me (and as a side effect of the slightly related pursuit of improving my conscientiousness) are:

- meditation, 15 minutes in the morning after waking just sitting and watching the breath

- deeply realizing that I'm a flawed being, but I can improve with hard work

- increasing my sensitivity to disgust, while keeping it personal and subjective, not thinking that I'm tuning into some objective and universal way that things should be cleaner

[zzzcpan]

For dealing with people learning psychology helps, you'll see people differently and eventually accept irrational behavior as a norm and won't care as much. For production systems designing for failure and learning how to do it also makes failures mundane, you'll start expecting them to happen all the time, even inducing them on purpose, and won't care.

[sirspacey]

Headspace. A few minutes a day, a few months of intermittent practice, and I find myself with more "internal time" to process my experiences before acting.

[dlanged]

That sounds exactly what meditation promises to do to you.

Have you tried?

[ljk]

what helped me: read more(both fiction and non-fiction) think of every interaction in your life in the other side's perspective to develop emphathy