Ask HN: What to do about a coworker who ignores questions / interrupts you?

[anonobot]

Hi HN,

I work at a small startup as an engineer. There's one other full time engineer + a vpe. The other engineer and I frequently get into debates about implementation and style. However when we're debating I get the impression that his main goal is not to find the best solution, but to show why he's right. This is done via a combination of asking questions designed to trip you up and interrupting. The other thing I've noticed is that in meetings he will sometimes ignore direct questions and just reply with whatever he was thinking about instead.

For example I've seen this happen several times during group interviews, the candidate will ask a direct question and instead of giving an answer he will rephrase the problem.

During a recent group interview I asked the candidate "how would X work" and he interrupted and steered it in a different direction.

My question is what should I do about this? I've raised some of these points with vpe and cofounders, but not the details. Does every company have people who behave like that? This is my first full time job, so I'm having a hard time finding comparison points.

[tatalegma]

Are you fresh out of school? Are you more junior than this other engineer? I feel like you might be suffering what I have seen in a lot of engineers who are fresh out of school, where they want to question everything, argue about things, and constantly look for ways to prove a proven engineer wrong. it's like they are trying to make a name for themselves. I've seen this in several jr. levels to varying extents. Just make sure you aren't being like that.

If you are more Jr., make sure you are taking the other engineer's advice. Even if he/she is being abrasive, he/she may have valid points. It may also be the case that they are annoyed that you aren't paying them the respect they feel they deserve as the more Sr level engineer.

As davidholmesnyc said, you can't do anything about it, other than adjust your own approach. You will not get the other person to change. If it's a big enough problem, find another job. Complaining to a higher up will not help, sadly.

[anonobot]

Yes, this is my first job out of school. However I've been working here over a year and have done longer term internships before. I didn't have the same experience with this kind of friction.

He is more senior than me with respect to him working there a few more months and having a few more years experience -- at the same time I think I might have a different experience set. This makes me sound full of myself, but there have been a few occasions where I'll argue for something that I thought was common knowledge (like using an orm for crud objects or mocking external services for tests) and then when the vpe steps in he points out all the tradeoffs leans towards what I'm proposing. I think this only works because he trusts that the vpe has relevant experience.

I think it may be a respect / pride thing. I think I'm giving them mutual respect, but maybe I'm not and I'm oblivious.

Noted on not complaining, was hoping that wasn't the case.

[padseeker]

When I get interrupted before things get too far I immediately say "Can I finish what I was saying I was not done". This has been very effective.

And under circumstances where your coworker does not answer your question say point blank "your response does not seem to apply to my question, what I asked was...." and ask again slowly and clearly.

I can only tell you what I've done, which happens from time to time with my team and my approach has worked for me. Although for the record I generally like who I work with, and they are generally respectful of me. I think some people are so eager to give their own 2 cents that they forget someone else is talking. Whenever I bring attention to the fact that they interrupted me there is almost always an apology for doing so.

By communicating that you were interrupted you are making things clear not just to your coworker but also the VPE. The VPE's perception of how you handle the situation is just as important as communicating clearly with your coworker.

And if this person is that big a distraction in the interview process I would either ask the VPE to sit in on an interview OR tell the VPE to not include this person in the interview.

[seekingcharlie]

I've worked with several people like this (at multiple companies) & I would recommend you to try & think of the both of you as a team working together towards a common goal, even if you're in different departments.

People naturally go into "defence mode" when they feel they are under threat. Do what you can to communicate in a way that is for the team vs for yourself as a silo (& thinking of him as a silo). Something as simple as asking if you can help him in any way, can change a dynamic entirely.

[logn]

This is totally normal. Don't worry about it. Embrace the diversity of humanity and redeeming qualities of this person. Trust that the others in this situation recognize the same things you do, but that out of etiquette and pragmatism, it's not something they want/need to address. Tech draws eccentric people.

[davidholmesnyc]

He may just have a bit of a god complex or is being very competitive and that may just be his personality. I have yet to figure out a perfect way of dealing with it because you can't change who people are.

Some advice I can give is to ride it out and do great work for the experience and switch jobs when you can because not all companies are the same and there are some that have really nice people.

If you can't switch jobs or don't want to switch jobs then something that worked for me is just hear what he has to say and then do what you was going to do anyway if and only if it's better than that persons suggestion.

Try to be open minded,listen to the things they say and not stress yourself over his personailty because he could have some valid points in his rants.

As for interviews .. Try to do a separate interview with candidates going forward if those things are going to stress you out.

[anonobot]

Just to clarify, the group interview was one at the end, we do individual interviews before.

So are you saying that you have ran into this sort of personality? Did you confront it at all?

[davidholmesnyc]

Yes I have in more than a few situations, but like I said people will be people and you can't change them. The only thing that will happen is maybe for 2 weeks they will change but they will slowly creep into being back to who they are. By complaining to your bosses about it - it ends up looking like you are the problem instead of them.You would like to think your manager will see it your way but they usually don't. All they will end up seeing is that anonobot is the one always complaining to them and that your co-worker isn't. It's weird but it's true.

[MalcolmDiggs]

> By complaining to your bosses about it - it ends up looking like you are the problem instead of them.

This.

Take that line to heart. No matter how abrasive he is, nobody likes a whiner...and you definitely don't want to be become known for cultivating office politics.

Focus on the things you can control. Namely: your work-product and how well you do your own job.

[anonobot]

Noted.

[anonobot]

Thanks for the advice. I intuitively thought that groups just worked these kinks out through discussion.

[Dwolb]

I think I have some advice. At first glance, this doesn't sound malicious - the guy sounds like he's too much in his own head or has emotions at stake when he speaks.

At the root, he sounds illogical - he follows your logical verbal thoughts with non-sequitors. One way to combat this is to change your verbal statements to written statements. i.e. write your position on a whiteboard, record his response, and keep volleying back and forth. This way you have a written record to track the logic and you can work together to arrive at a solution. Don't be surprised if frustration or exasperation arises if this is the first time he's experienced this type of exercise.

[chrisbennet]

Ask him "Are you listening, or are you just waiting to talk?"