[tedivm]

I am absolutely blown away by the number of people who are saying that this person, who is clearly depressed and likely burnt out, can solve all of his problems by having children. It is the most insane advice I have ever seen on this site.

Jumping to a lifetime commitment as a kneejerk reaction is just so wild to me. Maybe start with a hobby? This guy is working a full time job and a side hustle, but doesn't seem to do anything for himself. What happens if he has kids and realizes he's still unfulfilled? It's not like he can just return them.

[thatswrong0]

For real. The concept of “you have to love yourself before you can love others” is cliché but.. bringing kids into the world, that are a massive responsibility, I think should be a decision made with a full understanding of the work and love needed to do it right.

How tf are you gonna have the emotional capacity for kids if you don’t have it even for yourself??

[temporarely]

All happiness is rooted on purposive and positive mental ideation of one's existence. Having children will affect your mindset and worldview; for almost everyone I know this change has been positive.

[ivm]

> All happiness is rooted on purposive and positive mental ideation of one's existence.

This is just one of many views on the nature of happiness. For example, Buddhists have another view on it, including the possibility of achieving the unconditioned happiness (nibbana).

> Having children will affect your mindset and worldview; for almost everyone I know this change has been positive.

"Almost", so there's still a chance it could be a negative change on a personal level, even before considering genetic risks. I think a gamble like that can't be suggested to a depressed person.

[xboxnolifes]

> How tf are you gonna have the emotional capacity for kids if you don’t have it even for yourself??

As a counterpoint, I always have more capacity to help others than I do myself.

[Towaway69]

Well written, totally agree.

I did the „have children and all will be well“ thing and the guilt I have towards those children is great.

In my defence, I myself was a „child will save our relationship“-child - needless to say it didn’t work and left me with a giant question mark: why am I here?

Hence I am a biased observer, each to their own & your mileage will vary.

[silverquiet]

> left me with a giant question mark: why am I here?

I was quite obviously a wanted child, and I still feel this way; we are thrown into the world with no regard for our own preference (obviously it can be no other way). Clearly most people take to it with little problem, but I've never really felt like I belong. I've mostly made peace with that, but would not wish it on a child.

[macspoofing]

>I am absolutely blown away by the number of people who are saying that this person, who is clearly depressed and likely burnt out, can solve all of his problems by having children.

You're outright stating OP is suffering from depression ("clearly depressed"). How is that assessment any better? In fact, it's probably worse because that's a clinical judgement.

In terms of the general advice that he build a family - how is that wrong or 'insane'? OP is looking for some kind of purpose or meaning in their life and coding isn't cutting it, and neither is building a tech startup, or travelling, or exercising. It just so happens that being part of a family and being responsible for their welfare has provided purpose for much of humanity throughout our existence. At the very least, it gives you a solid reason why you should get out of bed (the kids need to eat, they need to be taken to school, etc.). Why is that advice unreasonable?

[trog]

> How is that assessment any better?

Because it's easy to not know what the signs of depression are, and once it has been flagged as a possibility, it's easy to simply go to a doctor for professional evaluation.

> Why is that advice unreasonable?

Why is "just be part of a family? And if you don't have one already, just go make one!" unreasonable, you're asking?

[swat535]

No, there is nothing "insane" about suggesting people to at a minimum _consider_ starting a family or think about children. It's what humans have been doing for thousands of years and many find fulfillment in it.

Additionally, OP clearly stated that he is not "16" and doesn't want to explore "hobbies". As I mentioned in my comment below thread, exposing him to diverse point of views can help him figure it out on his own.

[sparrish]

I disagree. It's a great suggestion because it provides purpose, a reason to get out of bed each morning and a drive to provide and protect your children. The fact that he can't 'return them' makes the stakes high and only adds to the worthiness of the pursuit.

He'll still have days of struggle, we all do, but he'll have a fulfilling reason to push through them.

[pavel_lishin]

Or his burnout will quintuple, and despite having a fulfilling reason to get out of bed, he'll still be struggling - except now, a child gets to suffer through having a father who was not ready for parenthood.

[moribvndvs]

There are unhappy parents and children of unhappy parents that are wincing at the idea of rolling the dice with a child over the idea that being trapped by a decision will somehow force feelings of fulfillment. I am all to familiar with how this kind of thinking has lead to depressed and resentful parents and children who suffer from them. You should have children because you want to.

“Many people find fulfillment and purpose in having children” = good advice

“Having children will give you purpose and make you feel fulfilled” = you’re projecting

[onemoresoop]

I don't think people are recommending having children as a solution to solve any problems. It is simply a big life decision that changes perspective a lot. It also makes dealing with boring drudgery a lot more tolerable. It brings meaning to people who lost it. Parenting is an important stage in life after all.

[pavel_lishin]

None of this is universal.

[onemoresoop]

What is?..

[macspoofing]

It's universal enough. There are people who are not cut out for having a spouse or children - they are a minority.

[ivm]

It's not universal enough to be advised to someone as a solution, increasing the already existing social pressure to have children, and also exposing both the potential parent and child to the risk of lifelong unhappiness together.

Also "spouse or children" – those are too different, Personally, I've been married for over a decade, but I don't have the emotional capacity to be a parent and desire to have kids in the first place.

[macspoofing]

>It's not universal enough to be advised to someone as a solution

Sure it is. And if it isn't, why would the suggestion to seek medical treatment be a more universal solution?

>and also exposing both the potential parent and child to the risk of lifelong unhappiness together.

That is a warped perspective.

[ivm]

You seem to not know anyone who was an unwanted child born because of some secondary motivation, and how deeply it traumatized them for life.