[protoman3000]

I'm reading here and else comments suggesting things like "don't get overly attached" or "don't define yourself by the role you fill" or "don't base your identity on your job"

But how do you "not" do these things?

It seems like I am doing these things automatically and I don't even know how the alternative world where I'm not doing these things looks like.

[mattgreenrocks]

One thing that worked for me: think about what you’d do in retirement. Beyond video games/tv/your vice of choice.

Then start doing that now. Probably can’t do it to the same extent. But you can usually approximate it some.

You’ll be surprised at how life-giving it is, and that’s because it was a real desire buried under a mountain of “should.” And how hard it can be to even figure out what you want to do, and actually follow through on it.

[protoman3000]

This seems like a really good advice. Thanks.

Also the addition of "how hard it can be to even figure out what you want to do". This is imo a huge thing.

The decision paralysis and fear of doing and being what YOU authentically want - not somebody else, not some rules, not some abstract expectation what your future partner want you to be like, not what your mother/friends/teachers/mentors wants you to be like, not some "rational person" as described below, but you and you only - brings you pain and avoidant behaviors.

The avoidant behaviors come with a compounding cost on top and you can spend so much time not actually doing what you want.

[mattgreenrocks]

Yeah. It's a hard question, honestly, and I only arrived at a decent answer for me (indie software dev) after sitting with it for a few years.

A few things that've been helpful for me:

* HealthyGamerGG's Youtube channel (the quarter life crisis vid is excellent)

* Self-Care Tips For Children of Emotionally Immature Parents (a lot of people's values were given by their parents)

* Therapy

* Mindfulness practice

[grvdrm]

Curious: what do you want to do in retirement and how does that differ from what you do day to day?

[mattgreenrocks]

Indie software dev and play music seriously.

I’ve made a few apps that together generate gas money every month and practice music almost every day, along with getting instruction from a very good teacher.

Next step is buying out time from my day job to build my own business further. Also learning more market research, and marketing in general.

[vladsiv]

I think many suggest that we shouldn’t define our work and identity by our employer or specific job role. Instead, focus on building your expertise in the field and career in general.

This approach allows you to avoid becoming overly dependent on a single company, unlike those who are focused solely on advancing their careers within one organization by relying on trust and loyalty. Those individuals often find themselves vulnerable, risking their positions over minor inconveniences or corporate decisions that are beyond their control.

By building your identity as an expert in the field, you create a more stable foundation for your career, regardless of the dynamics within any specific company.

[protoman3000]

> we shouldn’t define our work and identity by our employer or specific job role. > By building your identity as an expert in the field

I get your point that diversifying the points of external identity validation makes you less dependent and this is a better position.

My question is about another strategy, to stop identifying/attaching etc. at all with what you do. And that is not illuminated to me.

[anal_reactor]

I think it's about maintaining a healthy balance, and asking yourself once in a while "what would a rational person do?"