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In my first marriage we combined our finances, at my wife's insistence. This was simple in that we had only one account, but complex in that we had to negotiate over spending in a tedious fine-grained way. Our priorities and risk tolerances differed greatly; I felt like my wife ended up with all the money, while I ended up with all the responsibility. Unable to resolve this (or any other) conflict peacefully, our partnership foundered. In my second marriage we kept separate accounts, at my insistence, having learned an incomplete lesson from the first. We divided shared expenses in proportion to our respective incomes, otherwise managing our own affairs. This was simple in that we rarely had to talk about money, but as my income grew, while her career (and mental health) deteriorated, it became awkwardly lopsided; resentments accumulated. Again, being unable to resolve our conflicts peacefully, the marriage failed. In my third marriage we have both individual and shared accounts, for administrative convenience, though we tend to think of everything we are doing as a joint effort. We have structured our flows of income and expense differently at different times, depending on our circumstances, and we check in every couple of months to make adjustments as needed. This works - and I believe it will continue to work - because we consistently keep each other's interests at heart and resolve our conflicts in a way which draws us closer together. In summary, I believe that the details of your financial structure are less important than the process of communication and accommodation you establish around it. There's no single right answer, and the right-now answer might not work so well next year. What matters is that you include a periodic check-in about financial state as part of your ongoing expression of care for your partner's well-being, that you maintain flexibility and willingness to adapt as your life changes, and - most of all - that you resolve your differences in a way which leaves you feeling like a team. |
Congrats, that's marriage. My wife and I have mostly separate finances and she still ends up with most of the money because she doesn't contribute appropriately to the bills.
Seems like spending and priorities can be a problem whether the finances are combined or separate. At the end of the day, someone has to pay for housing and save for retirement. Even if the accounts are separate, it's still "our" money, but many people don't get that.
" I believe that the details of your financial structure are less important than the process of communication and accommodation you establish around it."
This is what it comes down to.