[saalweachter]

So back when my team was smaller, we used to do birthdays. Lure the coworker into a conference room on some pretense or another, then bring out a cake.

Of course, once it became routine, it's rather hard to surprise someone -- any irregular meetings on your birthday are extremely suspect.

So for one coworker's birthday, a week after we'd just done another's, I scheduled JACK'S BIG ANNOUNCEMENT on his birthday. He, of course, was extremely suspicious, and assumed it was a front for his birthday.

I made my announcement, brought out the champagne (well, sparkling Catawba), went out into the hallway to get a corkscrew, and came back in with the birthday cake.

So he had the whiplash of, wait, is this not for my birthday after all, wait, if it is, then are you not having a baby? And I declined to clarify until after I started my paternity leave, and half my coworkers didn't believe it until after I brought the kiddo in to show off.

It was glorious.

[caymanjim]

I can't parse what you wrote to figure out what you were celebrating, but whatever it is, this is my idea of a workplace nightmare. It's bad enough being forced to celebrate someone else's birthday, but it sounds like you're also forcing people to celebrate their own birthdays without their permission, and possibly forcing people to celebrate pregnancies and other personal events without their permission?

I would hate you if I worked with you.

[toast0]

> but it sounds like you're also forcing people to celebrate their own birthdays without their permission

I've taken to telling people I don't have a birthday when asked, unless it's clearly for necessary record keeping; especially in a work context. I get a funny look, but whatever.

If I learn someone else has appropriated my birthday, I do let them know, and we can share private birthday greetings.

[wolverine876]

That is a lot of emotion and politics. How is it important to you? Is it really about birthdays? Relative to most things, IMHO they are pretty innocuous; YMMV of course.

[bentcorner]

Kind of harsh without context? I worked for a team that did this - putting your birthday on the spreadsheet was entirely optional, as well as attending any celebratory hallway things. Nobody was forcing anybody to do anything. If you had a conflict or was busy working, or just plain didn't want to participate, everybody understood and wouldn't mind.

FWIW I usually didn't participate nor did I let anybody know my birthday and I never felt excluded.

[caymanjim]

It's one thing to say "we're celebrating Bob's birthday so there's cake in the kitchen", or "we're going out to lunch for Jill's birthday". You should get Bob and Jill's permission before you do that, but if they're cool with it, then by all means. I can decide for myself if I want to participate, or make a polite excuse not to.

Throwing me a surprise birthday? I hate you. Inviting me to a meeting that I feel obligated to attend, only for it to be a surprise birthday? If it's for someone else, I'll just smile and pretend to enjoy it for the minimum socially-acceptable time and then bow out. If you did that for my birthday I would be pissed off. I'd still smile and pretend to enjoy it, but it would be excruciating torture for me.

And if you ever threw a party for me for anything more personal I wouldn't even smile and pretend, I'd make it publicly known how inappropriate it was.

[Larrikin]

You seem like a miserable person to be around.

It's cake and a break from work. Even if you hate every single person you work with with a burning passion, it's still cake and a break from work.

I can only understand this opinion if its some kind of forced event after or before work, or worse you're the employer and just want people making you money only. But getting paid to take an extra break and then scolding your coworkers seems a step too far

[wiether]

> It's cake and a break from work.

Actually, it isn't.

Since it's happening during work and between coworkers it's work.

I'd rather do actual work instead of pretending to be glad that coworkers are celebrating my birthday. Actually they aren't. For them "it's cake and a break from work".

So they basically have fun at my expense.

That's exactly why I always take a day off on my birthday. To do what *I* want to do on *MY* birthday.

And the cake part : sure, if you like bad food, don't care about your health and don't have allergies, that's perfect. But that's not everybody's case. Having gone through a weight loss journey during my twenties, work was the only place where I felt pressure from other people to stop my efforts and join them in their trash food orgies.

So I completely understand where @caymanjim's comment is coming from.

I'm probably a miserable person, if you say so.

As a coworker, I'll go out of my way if you ask for help around work or personal issues. But I will never impose on yourself something that is not directly related to our jobs.

You like having a party for your birthday at work? Awesome! If bosses are okay with that, have fun with all the other coworkers that share this same feeling! But don't throw a party for anyone else without asking them their opinion about it first.

If you can't understand that different people have different expectations about basically everything, I can see why you are quick to qualify strangers as miserable.

[johnnyanmac]

>But I will never impose on yourself something that is not directly related to our jobs.

I see sentiments like this and understand why we lost the workplace as "the second place" in modern times. Part of it is corporate exhaustion, but others just walk into the ironwall by themselves.

It's half your waking life during biological peak of life. And very few people are working their dream jobs. People can help mitigate the lack of passion in the workplace. It's not my job to maximize the company productivity. I'm not getting any extra pay for working harder.

>If you can't understand that different people have different expectations about basically everything, I can see why you are quick to qualify strangers as miserable.

To be fair, this chain started with an experience and then a dismissive response about a different expectation and experience. It takes two...

[dxdm]

I understand where you're coming from, but please consider that not everyone is enjoying social situations the same way and to the same extent. For some people, being thrown into a surprise party as its main attraction is quite uncomfortable and outweighs the benefits of "cake and a break from work". It's more like "cake and a very exhausting kind of emotional work" for them.

They might not be much fun at such parties, yes; but telling them that they should enjoy them instead or that they are miserable people seems like a very unkind and unhelpful response to me.

[mulmen]

> You seem like a miserable person to be around.

This is outrageously inappropriate. Coworkers who are so willing to be cruel are exactly what makes me uncomfortable in social situations at work. Bullying is always inappropriate. Social interaction at work should be optional and consent should be obtained before revealing personal information. People have different preferences and those preferences should be respected. I can’t believe I even have to say that.

> It's cake and a break from work. Even if you hate every single person you work with with a burning passion, it's still cake and a break from work.

It’s not about hating your coworkers. It’s about social anxiety, professional conduct, and personal liberty. Don’t lie to me about the purpose of a meeting and don’t use my professional time for your personal entertainment. I have a life outside of work. I don’t appreciate wasting working time because I still have to do the work. Don’t interpret my discomfort in forced social situations as a personal insult.

> I can only understand this opinion if its some kind of forced event after or before work, or worse you're the employer and just want people making you money only.

It doesn’t matter what you understand. Your behavior is inappropriate. I doubt it was your intention to hurt anyone so take the feedback, adjust your behavior, and move on.

> But getting paid to take an extra break and then scolding your coworkers seems a step too far

I am paid a salary. The work has to get done. Social interaction isn’t free. I still have to find time to do the work.

[berniedurfee]

I’d prefer, “Hey, I heard it’s your birthday today, why don’t you knock off a couple hours early and go relax. Happy birthday!”

[Larrikin]

I'll admit this is ideal

[johnnyanmac]

Yeah, sounds like someone who never worked in a small team. Probably wouldn't be a great fit anyway.

[mulmen]

This is the stuff of nightmares. I would take whatever amount of PTO necessary to avoid this abuse around my birthday. Did you at least ask before advertising personal information to coworkers? Surprise party suggests no consent was obtained.

[johnnyanmac]

Comparing an impromptu gratitude to abuse is exactly why tech has such a negative stereotype in terms of social dynamics.

[mulmen]

Your gratitude is someone else’s abuse. I doubt you meant to cause harm but unsolicited celebrations hurt people. Please stop acting without consent. It’s never ok. You’re hurting people. Stop.

[johnnyanmac]

>Your gratitude is someone else’s abuse.

I see the golden rule is dead.

> I doubt you meant to cause harm but unsolicited celebrations hurt people.

I've never thrown a work party. But if my thanking or praising you is abuse then I feel this is a personal issue than a character flaw. Learn to take a compliment and learn to bow out gracefully. There's way too many impromptu abuses of your time and energy by corporate leeches for a random celebration of life to be considered torture.

[mulmen]

> I see the golden rule is dead.

You have completely misunderstood the meaning of the golden rule. “Treat others the way you wish to be treated” does not mean “subject others to your personal desires”. It means “respect the wishes of others as you would want them to respect yours.” You have no right to compel the behavior of anyone else.

> But if my thanking or praising you is abuse then I feel this is a personal issue than a character flaw. Learn to take a compliment and learn to bow out gracefully.

Please stop being a bully. You are hurting people with your behavior. Please stop hurting people.

[otteromkram]

This seems like a very good anecdote in favor of continuing remote work.

[CoastalCoder]

Definitely an illustration of how different persons want different workplace experiences.

[johnnyanmac]

Replies are an illustration of how people can't respect others preferences as well.