[Mandatum]

You will only be effective in a high performant environment. The way you conduct yourself is considered toxic by most people.

I would press you to either make some consolations on your lack of response and ignoring of messages.

Unless you’re in HFT or an environment that is not dependent on relationships but systems, like government.

[LocalH]

To be quite honest, demanding an ADHD individual deal with focus-thieves on their own and claiming that it is "toxic" to set boundaries that enable them to do their best work is kinda like expecting a recovering alcoholic to work at a liquor store and saying that it's "toxic" for them to refuse to do so.

[wannacboatmovie]

Except it is toxic; you can't redefine the behavior because of someone's affliction no matter how unfortunate that may be. If you have Tourette's with coprolalia, you can't go around the office yelling "cunt" at the top of your lungs and expect everyone is okay with it, or that you deserve an accommodation.

[ccakes]

Except it’s absolutely not if managed appropriately.

If they’re behaving that way unannounced then yeah, it’s not good but if the manager is aware then all that’s needed is “hey team, Andy is on the spectrum and prefers to work this way. Please try to accommodate, any issues let me know”

Those requirements aren’t challenging to meet for a coworker.

[LocalH]

It's not toxic to say "all these distractions and interruptions stop me from doing what you pay me to do, here is what I need to do in order to perform my best work". It's toxic to tell that person that they're being toxic, which ADHD people tend to heavily internalize.

[gtirloni]

It's toxic to say your coworker asking for help is a distraction when all people are supposed to be there to collaborate and get things done together.

Imagine someone comes to your desk and says they need help with something and you say "Please go away, you're distracting me" or you simply ignore their presence. How would they feel?

I'm not saying OP is doing it at that level but I think you can see my point.

[ipaddr]

Follow the rules and chain of priority. Your manager knows what is important to them let them decide. Other pms need to go through proper channels.

[calamari4065]

Incorrect. Demanding that autistic people change their entire personality to match your expected social norms is toxic and abusive behavior.

I would press you to reflect on why you think you have the right to tell a stranger how to behave. Why your opinion of "correct" behavior is the only possible valid option.

People like you have this assumption that autistic people somehow owe you. That you expect them to go through a great deal of stress and effort to act they way you want. If they do, you give them nothing in return. If they instead prioritize their own comfort and wellbeing, you give them abuse and call them toxic.

Edit: for perspective, telling an autistic person they're toxic for doing what they need to cope is the same as calling a person in a wheelchair toxic because everyone else has to walk slower to keep up. This is abuse and does real harm to people.

[gtirloni]

> I would press you to reflect on why you think you have the right to tell a stranger how to behave

Isn't that what OP is doing to coworkers?

[g4zj]

Nope. I only expect that my coworkers and I come to agreements on how we will function as a team (read: establish roles and processes) and then make a reasonable effort to stick to what is agreed upon, while discussing any emerging need for changes along the way.

These agreements should take everyone's individuality into account to find a balance or compromise in terms of personal preference and overall comfort (not to mention meeting the goals of the team from technical and business perspectives) which everyone involved finds acceptable.

My comfort is no more or less important than that of others.

[gtirloni]

I'm not saying that what you're doing is right or wrong. Apart from minor details, I think you are right.

I'm just pointing out the obvious: we are all telling others how to behave to a certain extent.

[calamari4065]

There's a subtle difference. OP is saying "I'm disabled and I can't/need help to do X"

The response is "disabled people don't need accommodation, you should just act like you're not disabled no matter the personal cost"

The difference is between asking for help and setting boundaries for what you can tolerate, and telling someone else they're a bad person for being disabled.

One is reasonable, if annoying. The other is a direct attack on an individual.

[gtirloni]

Are you sure you want to use terms like disabled and attack to have a productive discussion about this?

[cookiengineer]

In all countries of the EU, if you are diagnosed as autistic, you get a disabled passport just as any other disability.

40% disability is very common for diagnosed autistic people, meaning they are categorized with the same amount of impact on their wellbeing as crippled, wheelchaired, or mentally impacted people.

So I think the discussion and comparison that calamari4056 started is very well reasoned and makes sense in the context of "what society expects of you" vs "what you can expect of society".

[calamari4065]

Yes.

I'm not sure why you're implying that disabled is a dirty word. That's the word that pretty much every disabled person uses to describe a disability. It's the official legal term for the same.

And yeah, it's a personal attack when you tell someone they're a bad person for having a disability that inconveniences you.

[rendall]

I am delighted to work with people who set clear boundaries. I do think remote teams need to prioritize human connection, but part of that is respecting attention. If there were a problem, I'm sure after years GP would have heard about it.

[attemptone]

It is very hard to ignore the instinct of replying to the toxic statement with a sarcastic "no u".

Nevertheless I'll try to put this in neutral terms. Hopefully I get my point across without sounding too punchy.

I'm at work to work. It sometimes feels like managers and companies put you in a double-bind. On one hand I am supposed to be a factory-line worker, solving ticket after ticket. Make whatever metric go up so to speak. On the other I'm supposed to be part of a "community", get involved, be proactive, show my brilliance and creativity..

I've found that I have to place heavy emphasis on the code-monkey side of things. Even if the internal communication is the other way around (e.g. by the usage of the word toxic). Because creativity happens for its own sake, shipping product is a second thought at best. We framed the market in rigid and mechanical terms. And Ii the end we have to abide to that sterility in order to succeed.

[dileeparanawake]

Both agree and disagree here. Agree because you have outlined a reality here. Disagree because, on aggregate, the expectation of making neurodiversity confirm is toxic and is a major barrier to productivity and workplace cohesion.

Basically;

lazy / inflexible management = productivity losses flexible & inclusive management = empowered people + awesome results