[heyoni]

I think one of the worst things about society right now is we don’t share the burden amongst ourselves. The dirty work so to speak is delegated to specialists and our hands stay completely clean. I’m not saying pet owners should euthanize their animals but staying there in the room while the vet did their work probably helped, and the article mentions that owners leaving is part of the problem.

[Exuma]

One of my favorite cats has a bad tumor and a 3 month expected life span. I found out a few days ago.

I’m shattered and the thought of having to be in the room or not is just super depressing.

I’ve never lost a pet before or even someone very close to me.

I’m scared for how bad it’s going to hurt

Part of me (most of me) wants to be there to feel the pain in the deepest way and not bitch out. To be there for the last breath

Oh man I feel so bad

[arachnid92]

Be there.

My family recently had to put down one of my family's beagles who had been with us for 15 years. She was blind, could barely walk, and was having trouble keeping food down, and we decided it was time for her to go to prevent her from suffering. My father, my sister, and I were in the room all together when the vet put her to sleep, and me and my sister held her until she stopped breathing altogether. It hurt, and I keep crying every time I think about it, but OTOH I am absolutely certain us being there made her feel safe and calm, and made it easier for her to pass in peace. The fact that I was able to be there and say goodbye in her final moments is a memory that, although very painful, I treasure tremendously.

[tlavoie]

Absolutely, this.

Being that human companion that's there with them to the end is terrible, and I wouldn't do without it. I've done it a few times now over the years, and see it as part of the price I pay for all they give me through our time together.

As a contrast, I was something like 13 when my mom took our dog in for euthanasia, without telling us kids that it was happening. They thought they were sparing us some pain, but I found it devastating. Getting home from school, "where's Buddy?" "Um...."

No, be there. It's always better in the end.

[whartung]

I remember when a friend of mine had to let go of his dog.

Paraphrasing, he said something like "I've been there since almost birth, commanded and controlled every aspect of his life, but who am I to choose this."

It's a dreadful responsibility, but it is just that -- a responsibility. When the pet goes to their forever home, this is part of forever.

I have personal issues with it being "scheduled", that just tears me up. That at 12pm there will be this life, and 12:01, there won't.

But at the same time, it's on us as caretakers to not let the slow decline turn into a spike of severe suffering. Sudden, crushing pain. Struggles breathing, etc. Crisis may well dictate when the time has arrived, some escalation (like not eating). Sometimes its just "We have an opening on Tuesday".

This is not what we necessarily signed up for, but it's the job.

As the others say, be there, hold them, hold them and let them go. You are their everything. This process is part and parcel to loving them.

Fond farewell as they cross the rainbow bridge.

Sorry about your cat.

[acegopher]

I'm so sorry about your cat. You have my condolences.

It's going to hurt. Real bad. But you will come through. Life is precious because it is hard, not because it is easy.

Be there for your cat. Let your touch, smell, and sight be what your cat remembers as they pass.

And sit with your grief. I'm getting teary-eyed just typing this as I remember doing the same for my little Abbi, a 14-year old Shih-Tsu mutt I euthanized over a year ago. And that's ok. It's ok to be sad. You will be sad. Cry, let it come out. Ironically, you will feel better than trying to "be strong" or hold it in.

[Exuma]

Thank you :( Your words make sense and I appreciate it. I havent really cried much in the last 10 years, maybe 2 times. So it feels very weird. I just started crying in the car while driving thinking of this post, and that is really new to me.

I am very sorry about Abbi

[MandieD]

My little parrot died in my hands, and while it was sad, I was (and still am) glad that she didn’t die alone. She’d been ill, and I was about to take her back to the vet to have that final shot, so it was not shocking.

Be there for your friend. It won’t make the hurt go away, and it may even be a bit scary, but it will help your healing process.

[lapetitejort]

I brought a sick cockatiel to the vet. They couldn't take care of him right away so I left. A few hours later I got a call that the bird was in cardiac arrest, and wanted to know if they should intervene. I quickly decided no, he should pass in peace. The household was in a panic for a few moments, then we were distraught. That was the worst phone call I've been on in my life. Its effects have not been fully processed over a year later. That is not how you're supposed to find out your pet passed. I know now not to take a visibly sick bird to the vet as it's already too late. I can only hope that I remember this lesson in the horrible case it happens again.

[MandieD]

I’m sorry that you and your family had to experience the loss of your cockatiel that way, and wish the vet had told you to take your little friend home instead.

Regular vets who aren’t avian specialists really can’t do much for pet birds aside from mending injuries; an avian specialist can help you diagnose diet issues before the bird is critically ill, so it might still be worth taking in a bird that seems a bit under the weather to see if it is a diet issue - an awful lot of pet bird problems are diet issues. I took mine to one to have a microchip implanted before exporting her to Germany; not a huge deal with big parrots (they can be injected into the wing), but for small conures, it involves general anesthesia, so I went out of my way to find someone who had a lot of avian experience.

But yes, once a pet bird appears seriously ill, it’s likely too late to do anything other than keep it warm and in a place it feels safe, and let nature take its course.

As far as I know, pretty much all animals, especially prey animals, hide illnesses and injuries, and that is definitely the case for parrots.

[mozman]

Never let your friend die alone.

[pengaru]

We all die alone.

[nyc_data_geek1]

Except those of us lucky enough to die in the arms of the one we treasure most in this world.

[pengaru]

Keep telling yourself that. It's a solo experience.

[jhardy54]

[flagged]

[Mezzie]

Be there.

I have had a cat die unexpectedly (heart failure) and she was in the car on the way to the vet when she died. She held on in the back seat until I was able to pull over and be with her. She was looking for me. You owe it to be there.

[Exuma]

Ok I will definitely do it then.

How long did it take to not feel just truly awful? Like I said... Ive never experienced that much grief/pain from loss before. I am scared how bad it will be, or what to expect.

[zargon]

When I lost my cat of 13 years, the first few weeks were terrible. Even just the feeling of emptiness in the house. And everything reminded me of her. For 6 months I could not talk about her without crying. But it's OK to feel this. I would rather feel it than not. It's a reflection of the wonderful companionship we had.

[CogitoCogito]

In my experience, the actual death brings a feeling of relief. This has been my experience for both dying pets and family members. It’s hard but it’s a part of life. It’s gonna be alright.

[Mezzie]

It was my first time losing anyone/anything close to me as well.

I was acutely distressed for a good month and basically non functional for a week or so, which is embarrassing to admit, but this cat was with me through some really dark times when no people were there for me. I was holding her body and just wailing when we got home - I was a 30 something year old woman and I needed my mom to come over to manage what to actually do. There is no shame in the pain - it means you love your kitty.

[Exuma]

That makes me feel a lot better... thank you

[Mezzie]

I would recommend making arrangements for the body beforehand/having someone else around to take care of the immediate 'aftermath', as morbid as that is to think about. You aren't going to be in any shape to handle any logistics and seeing her body without 'her' in it WRECKED me.

[endemic]

There was a scene in the movie "Don't Look Up" where Leonardo DiCaprio's character talks about losing the family dog. He says, "I've never cried so much before." That was pretty much my experience after losing my first dog. I felt pretty terrible for a day or two, but the grief went down over a week or so. My wife also pushed pretty hard for getting a new puppy, which helped with the "empty house" feeling.

[tpmoney]

You will feel awful, it's normal. It sucks a lot. And it's part of loving someone or something that much. I've done it 3 times now.

First time, it was probably a week or two before I stopped getting choked up or crying when I'd come around a corner expecting to see the dog, or hear the jingle of tags and it was just empty space. It was probably a month or so before it started feeling "normal" again, and we had a second dog at the time. She had lived 17 years, and when it was time she was barely able to stand or lay down properly. I still had doubts about whether I was doing the right thing, and even now almost 15 years later, I still feel guilty about the times leading up to then when I lost patience with her and her getting old. That experience was also the one that felt the strangest. Our vet had us do all the paperwork and payments up front so we weren't dealing with it after. It's a very strange feeling knowing you're paying someone money to kill your pet. I held her, told her how good of a girl she was and pet her the entire time. It hurt. We stayed for probably 20 minutes, but at a certain point you know they're just not there anymore and in a weird way you start feeling silly talking to and crying to a thing that isn't your pet anymore.

The second was the worst by far. She'd been steadily getting more aggressive for no reason we could understand for a few years. Our life circumstances at the time didn't really let us devote the time or money it would have taken to correct the problem. Looking back now, we should have given her up to someone or someplace that could do better than we could. One day, she just hauled off and maimed our other dog. In the middle of dealing with getting that dog surgery to preserve what limbs we could, I spent a terrible 2 weeks calling every rescue, shelter and option I could think of to try and find a home for her so we wouldn't have to put her down. In the end, we got nowhere, and we couldn't keep her and take the risk again. She was only 4 years old. It broke me for a solid month and was possibly the second worst thing I've ever had to go through in my life. She was terrified, confused and didn't deserve it and there was nothing we could do different. It's been about 6 years now, and I still sometimes have nightmares about her. About failing her and having to put her down. I can still see and hear her confused cries when it happened. It still hurts, but in this case it's less the loss and more everything that happened around it.

My last one was just this year. He'd survived being mauled by the previous dog, and went on to live to an incredible 17 years, despite losing a leg to that attack at the ripe old age of 11. We'd known it was coming for a while. About 3 years before hand the vet started getting concerned about his kidneys. He wouldn't eat the special diet so the vet figured it was better to just feed him what he would eat and let things run their course. No point in starving him early just to save some kidney function after all. On the day of, I left for work and he was happy and healthy and energetic. I came home and he would not leave me alone until I acknowledged his presence, which was unusual for him. He then went to lay down and refused to move or eat after that. We took him in to the vet and despite having just been to the bathroom 3 times in the last hour or so, he peed about a gallon all over the floor. The vet confirmed what we already suspected, that his kidneys were finally giving up. We weren't ready, but you never really are. Again just sat with him, petting, telling him how good he was. How much we would miss him. Thanking him for his loyalty. It took easily a month again before it started to feel at all normal to not have him around. It's been 6 months. I still miss him a lot. Like all of them, it's a dull ache now mostly. And even though I knew that I made the right decision, there are still days I doubt myself. Where the voice in the back of my head tries to convince me that he wasn't that bad and we should have paid for more testing and some meds and we killed him for nothing because he was fine that morning. But it was the right thing.

It doesn't get easier, but of all the doubts, regrets and nightmares I've had none of them have ever been about being there. All 3 of those dogs were absolutely devoted to us and there through so much hardship. The least I could do at the end was make sure I was there for them, and despite how hard it was I don't regret it for a moment. Being there helped me to. It's hard enough walking into a place with your pet, and walking out without them. I can't imagine how I would deal with walking in and turning them over and then just walking away.

You should think now (and maybe look at) what sort of options for the end care are available from your vet. Ours takes the body afterwards, and you have different options, the cheapest being a group cremation where you get nothing back. Then at least the company our vet uses offers individual services, ranging from just getting a paw or nose print casting back to getting ashes back. It helps to know ahead of time what your options are and what you want to do so you're not trying to decide on what will be a very hard day.

I don't think anyone can prepare you for it. I don't think you're ever going to be ready. It will be normal to hurt in ways you've never thought you could hurt. It will be normal to feel silly about hurting so much over an animal. It will feel like it will never be normal again. Then it will feel guilty when it does start to feel normal. In time, the pain comes in smaller and less frequent waves. Your memories will be dominated by the rest of the time you had with them, and not the worst day. You will inevitably be given a copy of "The Rainbow Bridge". It's schmaltzy and beautiful at the same time, and may or may not be comforting. If nothing else there's comfort in knowing it's something of a ritual to get it, and it reminds you that you are just one of a long line of people who have been brought to some of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows by a ridiculous 4 (or fewer) legged companion.

It is ok to be scared. It is ok to hurt. You won't want to do it, but at least for me I can't imagine not being there, and in the end I don't think you'll regret being there. It will suck a lot at first, and less as time goes on. Whether it's worth going through again is up to you of course, but it's probably worth thinking on the fact that every pet owner before you has done it, and most of them probably went on to own many more pets. I think there's something hopeful and positive in that. Good luck, I'm sorry for what's coming, and I hope the pain fades quickly for you so that you can remember the good times sooner.

[Exuma]

Oh man I just googled the rainbow bridge Im not ready to read that yet it hurts too much. Thank you so much for your reply, I know this isn't a long reply but just know I read each word, and it really helped me digest this, somehow knowing other people go through the same thing helps a bit, I'm not sure why

[burntsushi]

I just did this for my cat Cauchy about 10 days ago. It was brutally difficult. But I was so glad ("glad" seems like a gross word in this context, not sure how to phrase it) I was there with him in his final moments and that he was able to die painlessly in my arms.

My vet had a "back door" entrance for these sorts of things. I took them up on it and I needed that.

[dan_quixote]

You should be there. It won't be easy, but you will revisit this memory many times in the future. Each time you think about it later, you won't regret being there. You will, however, regret NOT being there. And know that it gets easier.

[hoorible]

Be there.

I was 14 when we had to put our first animal down; my mom, someone I guess you’d describe as hyper-emotional, was a wreck. A year later we had another, thankfully just of old age, but she “couldn’t bear it again” so I was in the vet by myself because I didn’t want my cat to be alone when she passed. It sure sucked doing it alone and feeling like I had to be the grownup, but I’ve never regretted my choice.

If you need to bring a friend to help get you through it, then do. But be there, no matter what. The closure that it offers is invaluable.

I’m so sorry. I hope you both find peace.

[heyoni]

I don't know if this is bad advice or not but maybe take some valerian root or something like it before going in if you're worried about being overwhelmed. This is 100% bro science coming from me, but there are real studies studying the effects of propranolol on patients with PTSD where they purposely trigger the offending memory while on the drug in order to rewire the sensations associated with the memory.

It doesn't have to be traumatizing and you won't be alone.

[rm_-rf_slash]

You can ask your vet for a home visit. Let them pass in a place that they know is safe and loving.

[WarOnPrivacy]

I was wondering about that. I'd hate to make their last hours full of freakout.

I'd most prefer doing the euthanization myself. It feels like something that should be my responsibility.

[rm_-rf_slash]

I fed my pupper the biggest spoonful of peanut butter he’d ever seen, he fell asleep peacefully. When the vet switched to the euthanizing agent, he didn’t move a muscle.

[at_a_remove]

I did that. I am told it usually goes well.

Mine did not go well. I was a wreck for about two weeks after.

[raffraffraff]

I've been there several times, and I know I'll have to do it at least 8 more times before I die. I will always have dogs because "I'm a dog person". I love them. I have two greyhounds on my couch right now. (Always two).

3 years ago I had to have lovely Lily put to sleep because she was 14, had bad arthritis, and years of meds had taken their toll. I was sad but I didn't second guess it at all. I gave her a wonderful home, and I doted on her. The last thing to do "for her" was prevent further suffering.

2 years before that, I did it with Zuni, a wonderful, sensitive, intelligent dog. He had lung cancer. He was only 11, but he was already starting to suffer, and I simply couldn't bare to put him through any more. It's easier to deal with your own pain of loss than to watch him slowly deteriorate and wheeze and suffer more every day. No regrets.

5 years before that (yes, I was unlucky) I had to put Pasha to sleep because she had bone cancer. She was 6. My first dog, as an adult with my own home. That was the first time I ever had to make that decision. I was wracked with guilt and worry that I wasn't finding some other way for her to live. I got second and third opinions, scoured the internet looking for novel treatments. I eventually had her put to sleep because she was in so much pain and the vet said "there is nothing you can do, I've seen this a thousand times". My only regret with Pasha is that, in my fear, I failed to do the one thing that was in my power, for her: prevent suffering. That's my only regret.

When you hit 50 and you're on your Nth dog, you don't so much "just go through the motions and then get another dog" when you're dog dies. That makes it seem cold. It's always painful. But these days I accept that I'm "a dog person", and that I'll always have a space in my heart and on my sofa. There are thousands of dogs that need homes right now. And as sad as I'll be when one of these two muppets gets terminal, I'll do the right thing. Then I'll wait a few weeks, and go straight to the pound. It's not cold and mechanical. It doesn't diminish the love I have for these two idiots, or for Lily, Zuni or Pasha. What I've realized is that the two worst things are:

- their pain

- you worrying about their pain

Honestly, while the moment of death is a terrible thing, it's always peaceful. It's always a release.

[zeku]

Focus on how good of a life you've given your cat. Be there for it when it passes if you can.

My childhood dog had cancer and ended up having a seizure in my arms. Later I buried him myself.

Being there for him and burying him myself gave me a lot of closure and I'm proud I was able to be his friend and give him a good life.

[giantg2]

I think there are still a number if people who would euthanize their own animals. But to your point, it seems a large part of society has completely detected from the realities of life. How many know what it takes to grow/process food, or butcher an animal for meat, etc? No, that just comes in a package at the store...

[Arrath]

> I think there are still a number if people who would euthanize their own animals.

I would lean towards agreeing with you. Anecdotes aren't data etc etc but my uncle couldn't bring himself to take his dog into a sterile and impersonal vet's office when it was his dog's time, nor could he bring himself to doing the deed himself, so he and my dad worked together to do it. For a stoic old logger, army mechanic, and construction worker, it broke him for a while.

[the_doctah]

I often think that I would prefer to euthanize my dog myself. He is absolutely terrified of going to the vet (of strangers as well), and having to do it there makes it that much worse. I'm one of only a handful of people he trusts.

[akamia]

That was why we used an at home euthanasia service for our dog. He hated going to the vet and had to go multiple times a week toward the end. We didn't want to have him scared and stressed in his last moments.

Look into at home options if the time comes. We actually found that the cost was not much more than doing it at our vet's office. I think it was $500 at home vs $400 in office. $100 extra to give him the best end possible was the least I could do.

[bigmattystyles]

Same, he was mostly bed bound as he had been for months, the vet came to our place. My wife and I were crying like no other, was this the right time, the question was haunting us, still does. He still appeared to like to eat, but he was paralyzed, needed help to poo and pee, even to stand to eat, but he could still sit on lap and seem happy but even that was mitigated by the fact he was on a lot of gabapentin. The moment of euthanasia came and he was asleep throughout the whole thing. Broke our hearts but gave him a painless exit. I will say this though, kids under 10 need not be there. I love and miss you everyday W.

[heyoni]

Yea there are services. I assume you can hit a vein based on your username?

Only thing I'd worry about is making sure you have extra drugs and know what to do in case your initial dose doesn't work. It can happen sometimes.

[bengale]

I wonder if that's true. You're putting the animal out of its misery in many cases, but for a lot of people in the room you're a key part of one of the worst moments for them. I think of the last one I went though that was unexpected, how many people have to stand in a room and watch two grown adults lay on the floor and truly sob, to see their hearts break. I can't imagine the empathy for the love people feel for animals makes it any easier.

[DoesntMatter22]

I take care of a lot of feral cats and it's really tough. They die often, due to feline HIV or feline Lukemia.

It sucks. 9 have died since January (3 were kittens). But it's just not practical to put them to sleep. The first one I did but it was 300 bucks.

Idk it does suck.

[rurp]

Oof yeah, this is tough. I have done some fostering of kittens and on the whole I highly recommend it; it's a great way to have kittens in the home without committing to long term adoption, and it helps out shelters that really need the help. But this part of it is tough. Feline lukemia and other terminal illnesses are not uncommon with shelter cats and it sure hurts to lose them.

[DoesntMatter22]

It's crazy how fast they go down hill. Go from like just fine to holocaust skinny in 2 months. Brutal to watch, especially hard when the kittens die or dissappear. I had 2 tabbies that were born this year. One had a white tipped tail and the other a black tipped. I loved them both but loved black tipped the most.

She would sit in my arms and purr just staring in my eyes. So cute. Then one day it got run over. Not much you can do really.

In a very weird and minor way it gave me insight into why losing a child during pregnancy or very young is so painful. I always thought "What's the big deal? You just have another one".

I mean I wouldn't say that to people but that's just how it seemed to me. But then with the cats some had great personalities or super soft coats and I was so looking forward to petting them and playing with them when they got older. Then they died and there is a bit of a hole.

Obviously this is nothing compared to a human life, but it made more sense now. You have a child and you think about their first day of school, how you will dress them, what their interests are, what special skills they have.

It gave me a lot more insight into what it's like to be a parent and lose a child and how devastating that probably is.

[agumonkey]

That is a very interesting view point. Existence used to be cohesive, ritualized, we were all close to and part of every aspect of it. Now it's all industrialized, and it's not surprising that it's dehumanizing to people in charge.

[heyoni]

My wife thinks that in time of peace we should require kids that turn 18 to spend a year doing some community service. Somewhere far from home.

[agumonkey]

I so wish our cultures did something like that. I think Denmark has a habit of 18yo kids going away for a year, to live freely with new found majority status.

I was also thinking international community swaps.. people from one country would have opportunities to go, not to their direct neighbours, but one frontier further. To make people know about other countries on the field. The plan would be to have kids all around develop a clearer bond with people far away and avoid dehumanised reflex hatred.

[rurp]

Totally agree. In college I lived in a transfer dorm for a year which was mostly filled with kids who had either transferred from another country or had taken a gap year before college to do something interesting. It was great! The group was full of interesting people and there was dramatically less of the typical dumb college freshmen behavior than usual.

[raducu]

> I think one of the worst things about society right now is we don’t share the burden amongst ourselves

Watched a reddit post about a romanian mother making a fuss about her and her small autistic son being kicked out of an uber because the son threw a tantrum and somewhat dirtied a chair.

I was appaled by the lack of empathy of some of the redditors.

Nobody is entitled to anything, nobody owes anything to anybody, but the sharing/safety net thing is what makes us an advanced species.

[rendx]

Generally speaking, I think it's totally okay to try and align interests. I know people who feel a lot of gratitude to be able to accompany people through hard times, and would never want to call that "dirty work".