| HN Mirror

You will feel awful, it's normal. It sucks a lot. And it's part of loving someone or something that much. I've done it 3 times now.

First time, it was probably a week or two before I stopped getting choked up or crying when I'd come around a corner expecting to see the dog, or hear the jingle of tags and it was just empty space. It was probably a month or so before it started feeling "normal" again, and we had a second dog at the time. She had lived 17 years, and when it was time she was barely able to stand or lay down properly. I still had doubts about whether I was doing the right thing, and even now almost 15 years later, I still feel guilty about the times leading up to then when I lost patience with her and her getting old. That experience was also the one that felt the strangest. Our vet had us do all the paperwork and payments up front so we weren't dealing with it after. It's a very strange feeling knowing you're paying someone money to kill your pet. I held her, told her how good of a girl she was and pet her the entire time. It hurt. We stayed for probably 20 minutes, but at a certain point you know they're just not there anymore and in a weird way you start feeling silly talking to and crying to a thing that isn't your pet anymore.

The second was the worst by far. She'd been steadily getting more aggressive for no reason we could understand for a few years. Our life circumstances at the time didn't really let us devote the time or money it would have taken to correct the problem. Looking back now, we should have given her up to someone or someplace that could do better than we could. One day, she just hauled off and maimed our other dog. In the middle of dealing with getting that dog surgery to preserve what limbs we could, I spent a terrible 2 weeks calling every rescue, shelter and option I could think of to try and find a home for her so we wouldn't have to put her down. In the end, we got nowhere, and we couldn't keep her and take the risk again. She was only 4 years old. It broke me for a solid month and was possibly the second worst thing I've ever had to go through in my life. She was terrified, confused and didn't deserve it and there was nothing we could do different. It's been about 6 years now, and I still sometimes have nightmares about her. About failing her and having to put her down. I can still see and hear her confused cries when it happened. It still hurts, but in this case it's less the loss and more everything that happened around it.

My last one was just this year. He'd survived being mauled by the previous dog, and went on to live to an incredible 17 years, despite losing a leg to that attack at the ripe old age of 11. We'd known it was coming for a while. About 3 years before hand the vet started getting concerned about his kidneys. He wouldn't eat the special diet so the vet figured it was better to just feed him what he would eat and let things run their course. No point in starving him early just to save some kidney function after all. On the day of, I left for work and he was happy and healthy and energetic. I came home and he would not leave me alone until I acknowledged his presence, which was unusual for him. He then went to lay down and refused to move or eat after that. We took him in to the vet and despite having just been to the bathroom 3 times in the last hour or so, he peed about a gallon all over the floor. The vet confirmed what we already suspected, that his kidneys were finally giving up. We weren't ready, but you never really are. Again just sat with him, petting, telling him how good he was. How much we would miss him. Thanking him for his loyalty. It took easily a month again before it started to feel at all normal to not have him around. It's been 6 months. I still miss him a lot. Like all of them, it's a dull ache now mostly. And even though I knew that I made the right decision, there are still days I doubt myself. Where the voice in the back of my head tries to convince me that he wasn't that bad and we should have paid for more testing and some meds and we killed him for nothing because he was fine that morning. But it was the right thing.

It doesn't get easier, but of all the doubts, regrets and nightmares I've had none of them have ever been about being there. All 3 of those dogs were absolutely devoted to us and there through so much hardship. The least I could do at the end was make sure I was there for them, and despite how hard it was I don't regret it for a moment. Being there helped me to. It's hard enough walking into a place with your pet, and walking out without them. I can't imagine how I would deal with walking in and turning them over and then just walking away.

You should think now (and maybe look at) what sort of options for the end care are available from your vet. Ours takes the body afterwards, and you have different options, the cheapest being a group cremation where you get nothing back. Then at least the company our vet uses offers individual services, ranging from just getting a paw or nose print casting back to getting ashes back. It helps to know ahead of time what your options are and what you want to do so you're not trying to decide on what will be a very hard day.

I don't think anyone can prepare you for it. I don't think you're ever going to be ready. It will be normal to hurt in ways you've never thought you could hurt. It will be normal to feel silly about hurting so much over an animal. It will feel like it will never be normal again. Then it will feel guilty when it does start to feel normal. In time, the pain comes in smaller and less frequent waves. Your memories will be dominated by the rest of the time you had with them, and not the worst day. You will inevitably be given a copy of "The Rainbow Bridge". It's schmaltzy and beautiful at the same time, and may or may not be comforting. If nothing else there's comfort in knowing it's something of a ritual to get it, and it reminds you that you are just one of a long line of people who have been brought to some of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows by a ridiculous 4 (or fewer) legged companion.

It is ok to be scared. It is ok to hurt. You won't want to do it, but at least for me I can't imagine not being there, and in the end I don't think you'll regret being there. It will suck a lot at first, and less as time goes on. Whether it's worth going through again is up to you of course, but it's probably worth thinking on the fact that every pet owner before you has done it, and most of them probably went on to own many more pets. I think there's something hopeful and positive in that. Good luck, I'm sorry for what's coming, and I hope the pain fades quickly for you so that you can remember the good times sooner.