[madaxe_again]

My wife still manages 12+ hours per day - I get about 4-6. She wonders why I am gradually becoming irrationally irritable, as in her view being overtired is something that is easily controlled. Easily said when you get to sleep in to 1pm or later every day.

I find myself picking fights with anyone and everyone, even inanimate objects. I know it’s crazy.

We don’t have time together any more - I just fall asleep the moment the child is asleep, as I know I’ll be getting up several times in the night and before the birds in the morning, and I just can’t keep my eyes open beyond a certain point.

The flip-side is that she feels that she spends her every waking hour looking after the baby - which isn’t far off the truth, as I look after her while she sleeps - so nobody is happy. My spare time is spent working and building and repairing stuff at home.

I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone has more than one child. How can anyone go “that was fun, let’s do it again”.

This post was brought to you by Sleep Deprivation™

[desmosxxx]

We have 3 kids and it was never as hard as you're describing, so that probably has something to do with people wanting to have more than one kid.

I don't want to overstep, but you guys are doing it wrong. Your wife sleeping 12 hours doesn't sound right to me. We took shifts, but my wife was going to bed very early (9pm) and waking up around 5 or 6pm and then I'd sleep. She did this so we had a solution that worked for both of us. If your wife is not willing to do that, then you should be swapping nights at the very least.

Your wife sleeping at midnight and waking up so late is not sharing the workload at all and is frankly abusive IMO. I'd also look into postpartum issues since sleeping 12 hours is not normal.

[refurb]

Meh.. couples just need to find what works for them. There is no one right approach.

I did nights for all my kids. Unlike my partner, I can fall asleep almost instantly, no matter when I'm woken up. My partner, if woken up at 3am, is up for the rest of the night.

So I did nights. Wake up, feed, change diaper, rock back to bed, fall asleep right away, then rinse and repeat 2 more times at 2-3 hr internals.

Though I was sleep deprived, it wasn't that bad and still went to work each day. My partner had the kid during the day, and it just worked for us.

[madaxe_again]

I dunno - single parents manage it somehow.

Probably doesn’t help that we live off-grid in total isolation, in a country where childminding doesn’t really exist, as most folks here have multi-generational households, so there’s no demand.

[desmosxxx]

We didn't have nearby family either so can understand how hard that is. Good news is it should start getting easier soon. Good luck man and demand some help if you're absolutely at your breaking point. Everyone needs sleep.

[pfyra]

Sounds like you need to share the night shift. It isn't sustainable to work all day and have every night's sleep ruined like that. It'll get better as the baby sleeps longer and longer, but chances are that you'll get burned out before that unless you get to sleep better. We had separate beds so one of us could sleep undisturbed every night.

[madaxe_again]

Yeah, we have separate beds - she sleeps in what was our room, I sleep on the couch, so I don’t disturb her when I get up to tend to the bairn.

She, I feel reasonably, points out that it was not me that spent 10 months being pregnant with our child - and she sleeps extremely soundly, to the extent that she will sleep straight through screaming and crying more often than not, which means I have to be on alert, as I never do much more than a shallow, nightmare-filled doze.

To be honest, it’s not much different to the worst periods of technical hell for my startup back in the day, when I would be yanked out of bed repeatedly to deal with Situations while being yelled at by clients.

Now my client is eight months old, and is actually considerably more patient than many of the adults I used to deal with.

[hereonout2]

I might be wrong, but sleeping in till 1pm with an 8 month old baby sounds like maybe something else may be going on.

My partner had a very difficult birth that has led to a series of mental health issues. I didn't spot these for months initially, and it took a lot for it all to come to a head and out in the open.

It was easy to miss the issues with a child to care for.

[lelanthran]

> She, I feel reasonably, points out that it was not me that spent 10 months being pregnant with our child

She is not being reasonable; your wife sounds entitled and childish.

It's not reasonable to ask someone to go without sleep while the asker gets all the sleep they need, regardless of what happened in the past.

After all, it's not as if you could stock up on sleep while she was pregnant, and now cash in those stocks, can you?

[desmosxxx]

I'm sure you helped out while she was pregnant as well? Was she sleep deprived during pregnancy? This doesn't sound 'reasonable' to me.

[InSteady]

Then definitely don't marry or have a child with that guy's wife.

[VanTodi]

in 2 months she has no excuse anymore. as a father of a 1 1/2 year old, i can relate to you. i wish you all the best.

[sshine]

I’d penguin up like you, too.

But it sounds like if you found nap time during the day, you’d slip right into it.

[mythhabit]

If she gets to sleep through the night, she gets to wake early and take care of the child while you get a few hours uninterrupted sleep. Sleep is as important for your mental health and longevity as exercise is for your physical health and longevity.

I am a heavy sleeper too, so the agreement my wife and I had, was that she attend her son at night, he needed to be breastfed anyway, while I got to sleep. Then I was up at an ungodly early time and took care of my son while she could get some uninterrupted sleep. We did this for both of our children.

Her being pregnant is not an argument in favour of you having to do everything at night. Perhaps in the first few weeks while she recover, but after that, it's shared in a reasonable way. She does not get to dictate, but in unison you get to find a happy compromise, which includes enough sleep at regular intervals for both of you.

If you are willing to listen, listen to this: You are well on your way to a roommate situation, the first and biggest step towards a divorce. If you do not correct that course, both of you, that is with all likelihood what will happen. This path of a little bit of resentment many times, is a relationship killer.

[KoftaBob]

> My wife still manages 12+ hours per day

If she didn't start sleeping those number of hours until after having the baby, this sounds like it could be postpartum depression. I'd recommend she gets evaluated by a psychiatrist to confirm, of course.

[madaxe_again]

She’s always slept like that. I’m in therapy, and am considering starting antidepressants, as the whole shebang is making me suicidal - and I think it’s mostly just the constant, gnawing exhaustion - I feel like I have flies crawling around behind my eyes. The sun pisses me off. I shout and swear at the stars at night.

Poor kid is stuck in the middle. Doing my best for both of them, I really am, but I gravely underestimated how hard this would be. I thought years of being on call would prepare me, but it’s an entirely different kettle of fish.

[sgtnoodle]

I'll reiterate what others have said. It's unusual that your wife is sleeping 12 hours. I don't know the details of your situation, but my initial impression is that it's woefully unfair. If the baby needs tending in the middle of the night, whoever's slept the most recently should be the one getting up.

Antidepressants are serious business. If you're actually just exhausted, it seems like you would be better off changing your environment rather than your brain chemistry. My wife has been on antidepressants since suffering from postpartum depression from our first child. Her current prescription seems to have her leveled out, but has also suppressed important aspects of her personality and perhaps even memory. This past year we've been in a rut where she refuses to even discuss changing anything because it's easier for her than confronting her underlying trauma.

For what it's worth, if you're fly-crawling-suicidal tired, it's better for you and your family to let your baby scream in their crib for an hour or two while you go sleep in a car. It isn't going to traumatize your baby, and might even be healthy for them to learn how to self-soothe. If you can afford it, it's also ok for you to occasionally take off a night and stay alone in a hotel, and let your wife take care of the baby. It would be more effective than antidepressants, assuming exhaustion is truly the root issue.

[ap99]

Get more sleep.

That will solve most of your health and mental problems.

Being a martyr getting no sleep and destroying your body and mind so your wife can sleep 12 hours isn't helping your wife or your kids. Not in the short term and 100% not in the long term.

You are going down a path that will result in major health and mental issues for yourself and at the end of the day, your wife and kids will hate you for what you allowed yourself to turn in to... a mean, unhealthy, unstable, fragile, and eventually dead husband.

[tasuki]

Why did you have children?

[ap99]

Sounds like you're taking an unfair amount of the burden and you're suffering as a result.

I'd have an honest discussion about this wit her.

Spending every waking hour with the baby doesn't entitle her to steal your sleep. If she got 10 and you got 6-8 hours, that would make a huge difference to you and to your family.

Don't let her gaslight you into thinking working a job to support the family and doing home repair and maintenance isn't as mentally and physically taxing as caring for a baby.

[refurb]

Well the sleep deprivation stage doesn't last that long (although it seems long when going through it) for most babies.

And in terms of one child, your brain (and evolution) does a great job at helping you forget and filter out only the positive experiences of a newborn.

Plus once you've had one, you don't stress nearly as much about the subsequent ones which taxes your brain a lot less. You don't feel quite so exhausted by it and you know it doesn't last forver.

[sshine]

People who get >1 kids usually don’t sleep 12+ hours per day.

My wife will sleep 10 hours. I will usually sleep 6-8 hours. It means I always have at least 2-4 hours to myself in the morning.

[sgtnoodle]

I have a 5 year old and an 11 month old. I take immunosuppressants to manage a serious health condition. I've had sinus infections for 7 of the past 8 weeks, since the 5 year old started school. My teeth ache from coughing. The 11 month old has had a fever all weekend, and hasn't gone more than a 2 hour stretch without screaming. The 5 year old seems to have temporary hearing loss from being sick, and some resentment from being ignored in favor of the baby. My wife and I need to loudly yell 6-7 times between each other or the 5 year old in order to effectively communicate. I got about 3 hours of sleep tonight, and I'm thinking more about making hash browns than falling back asleep.

A similar scenario happened about 6 months ago. Of course, that round of sinus infections kicked off with a norovirus that had everyone but the baby violently exploding. It was especially fun because my wife also had a severely broken leg. She also suffered permanent hearing loss above 3.5Khz in one ear.

I am very fortunate that the company I work at has been overwhelmingly understanding and supportive.

[tayo42]

She sleeps more then 12 hours a day?

[madaxe_again]

Yes. I don’t know how, but she always has - bed at midnight, and she rises anywhere between midday and 4pm. I envy her amicability with Morpheus. I used to be able to sleep a decent amount, but I burned that part of my brain out during my startup days - I get by ok on six uninterrupted hours, but when my night is more like three two hour naps punctuated by stress, I start to disintegrate - as I learned in my startup days.

[e40]

That is 12 to 16 hours, not 12. Something is wrong here. I wish you well.

[lelanthran]

> I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone has more than one child.

You'd understand it just fine if you weren't getting gaslit by an entitled and selfish wife.