[Try1275]

I am in the process of a breakup (scare) right now and realizing how much of my social support system is gone when it's attached to your spouse and obviously loyal. Not totally on topic but I have learned my lesson to actively pursue friendships from now on and cultivate them - and the place where you live obviously affects this in a great way.

[nevi-me]

I (M) once got into a relationship with someone (F) who was oddly unfond of my friendships, esp female friends. She in a way isolated me from close friends. When we broke up, it was because she accepted a marriage proposal from her 'friend' whom I kept asking her about.

Anyways, it took me time to mend some friendships, some never recovered.

> Not totally on topic but I have learned my lesson to actively pursue friendships from now on and cultivate them

Yes, spousal relationships can sometimes drain us of other friends because of the exclusivity it comes with. We sometimes have to be very deliberate in keeping that balance. That includes taking on new interests, getting to know our kids' parents, etc.

I encourage my wife to meet new people, as she relocated across our country, doesn't have a lot of friends around, and stopped working shortly before kids.

[globular-toast]

I've been taught that lesson many times. But it's just too easy for an introvert to be in a relationship and not have to socialise any more.

Over years I've given up on trying to be a social person and I just need to be honest about it: I hate socialising and will only do it when there's a clear and direct reason for doing so. The biggest reason is sex. Once that's not needed the reasons for doing so are very few and far between.

[hutzlibu]

If you are only into sex, I guess it will be way easier to just pay for it, or go to places (online or offline) where casual sex is common. Otherwise friendship is about way more for most people. And if you cannot stand the ordinary (awkward) socialising, which I can relate to, I recommend finding a group that is more to your liking. Then socialising might be fun.. Usually when it is not about socialising, but the activities.

[SoftTalker]

I didn't read it as only being in a relationship for sex, but that it's a motivator for socialization if you don't have it. Once you have a relationship and a sexual partner, there's not much motivation for additional friendships/casual socialization, if you're an introvert.

[globular-toast]

Oh, no, I can't do casual sex. I require a monogamous relationship. I get much more out of my relationship than just sex (like love, for a start) but the sex has to be there. It doesn't make sense, but that's just the way it is.

[hutzlibu]

"It doesn't make sense, but that's just the way it is."

It makes sense in a way and you are the way you are .. but I think you might benefit from trying to open yourself to new experiences, unless you want to repeat the cycle again and again. (Oh and I don't mean casual sex. Rather something like interacting with people in a way you have not before, which is easiest by going somewhere you have not been before.)

[danenania]

Another way to approach it rather than trying to socialize or make friends directly is to find one or two weekly activities you enjoy that involve a group or collaboration of some kind. Sports, exercise, and boardgames are common ones but it could be anything.

People tend to make friends naturally this way over time, but even if you don’t, at least you are doing something fun and developing a life independent of your partner.

[globular-toast]

Tried that. I can never be consistent with it; my mind resists it every time. One reason is my natural schedule never seems to align with society. For example, I like cycling, but I'm never going to make it to a Sunday ride at 9am. Another reason is I don't necessarily like the kind of people who are into geeky stuff. I find board game nerds and computer geeks tiresome and annoying. It's better to communicate with them over the internet, at home. I don't think one should have to force themselves to do something they don't want to do several times a week. Nobody else does that.

Instead of friends I rely on my mental health, my skills and the financial system for insurance. It would be a big mistake for me to let my health deteriorate, get married or quit my job, for example.

[danenania]

“Another reason is I don't necessarily like the kind of people who are into geeky stuff. I find board game nerds and computer geeks tiresome and annoying.”

Well my point is to find something you enjoy doing and not worry about liking or socializing with the other people there. You can find the others annoying and they can find you quiet and unfriendly at first, but if you keep going regularly there’s a decent chance you’ll click with some people eventually, even if it takes a year or more.

I get the motivation and timing issues though. There is definitely a hump to get over in establishing a new habit.

[artyom]

I can relate with this. I only socialize for sex and/or money (e.g. networking). I have zero interest in anything else.

From my point of view everyone does the same, but can't deal with the isolating nature of it all and need to decorate it with friendships and similar unwritten rules and then act surprised when they don't work

[throwaway3618]

"can't deal with the isolating nature" sounds like other people do feel a different need/reason to socialise no? People can pretend to socialise for one reason when really it's another, but people need to be interested in meeting this third need at least occasionally for the pretense to be worth trying.

[artyom]

Kind of, but most human relationships are somewhat regulated (marriage, parenthood, etc) so everyone has a framework on what to expect, do's and dont's.

Friendship is when everyone comes with a random set of expectations, all of them differing from person to person, and get disappointed when it doesn't translates to reality.

[OkayPhysicist]

So you just don't grow friendships with people with incompatible expectations. It's not that complicated.

[OkayPhysicist]

That's a remarkably sad, pathetic outlook, and one strangely contorted by Capitalism: Why do you want money?

That's the key here. Most people want money because, contrary to the old adage, money buys happiness. People want friends for the same reason: friends are the people who you are happy to spend time with. Pretty much any activity can be made more enjoyable when done with people you enjoy spending time with.

[LeanderK]

I see this happening again and again, sometimes repeatedly to the same persons. A friend of mine is currently going through this, but his solution to the problem is immediately trying to go into the next relationship, as fast as possible. I am very much looking forward to the next breakup. Another friend of mine just never got in touch with me after her new relationship, funnily we got to know each other from the last relationship to a friend of mine where I know she neglected her older friends to favour her new circle.

To be honest, I am not interested in being friends with a person when I get sidelined the moment someone goes into the next relationship. I have better things to do than to revolve around someone else life. I have my own friends. It's a very frustrating experience because you try to stay in touch and you don't know what's going on. It's not your fault.

I try to balance my relationship and my own, personal life. Breakups happened and rougher times in a relationship happen and it's essential to have your own friends. It is very important to me to not give up my identity and my social life. But it has to be said I also don't really accept too much inference into my own life and I don't think I could be in a relationship where each one doesn't have their own space. I know relationship that wouldn't really work for me because you have to negotiate stuff that is not negotiable for me.

[XCSme]

Be strong man, breakups suck, feel free to DM me if you want to talk.

[avtar]

This hits close to home. Wishing you the best <3