[sho_hn]

> More like most women don't find men who program interesting/fun.

I hear a lot of heterosexual male SW engineers lament this, but I find it not true in practice. We live in a world dominated (and even inundated) by messaging that navigating technology is a recipe for success. It usually pays decently to well. Programmers don't have dating problems from their profession.

[seniorThrowaway]

The issue is that the personality traits that tend to correlate with good programming and software engineering - logic, reasoning, detachment, analysis, thinking outside the box - don't tend to correlate well with interpersonal and especially romantic interpersonal relationships. In order to be successful in relationships, those types of minds have to consistently and constantly do things they consider completely irrational and uncomfortable, which is difficult to maintain.

[sho_hn]

All these things have their own kind of logic to them. It's possible to learn/train people/empathy. There's a lot of people who can't get themselves to believe that it's worth investing, in though. But people skills do come in handy, also when solving non-romantic problems at scale.

[Kazrath]

It has little to do with lack of empathy. I've found the problem is far more to do with oversharing conclusions based on observations. Empathy is typically in hindsight. You expect the other person to be intelligent, observant, reasonable, and logical. What you did say is not something that would have offended yourself or other like-minded individuals. So when it does offend, the empathy kicks in and you realize your mistake. Which is often just over-estimating the other person.

[sho_hn]

Empathy as a skill is relevant in adapting the way you assert the same logical points toward a person, e.g. by taking their state of mind into account when it comes to phrasing, pacing, how much context to include. On the fly, with course-corrections.

If you want an engineering analogy, it's a bit like adding a suspension system to a wheel to improve traction.

It's very practical!

[Kazrath]

Your statement even downplays the negative reception thinkers like these receive when they share their observations. One "tactful" lapse and that first impression is set. It is a serious uphill battle from that point on.