[brettcvz]

I understand the phrase “feedback is a gift” differently than the author: people are not obligated to give you feedback. If someone has taken the time to give you feedback, this is a generous act, regardless of whether you agree with the feedback or find it helpful.

[praash]

Yes, plenty of (bad) feedback is given in good faith, but I think there's a line where generosity ends and "feedback" becomes a hurtful one-sided channel of emotional venting. It only serves one person, at best.

Would you call it a gift if a visiting neighbour brought a smelly trash bag to your door while screaming at you for "looking like a dead squirrel"? They certainly took the time to carry that leaky bag, think of a sequence of helpful words to tell you, and even risk damaging their vocal cords! They certainly weren't obligated to do so, either. A slap in the face isn't necessarily "a generous act of ancient Egyptian medicinal practice to prevent disease".

We don't have to accept all "gifts" as gifts, so we certainly don't have to call any hurtful garbage as "feedback" in the first place. We don't have obligation to take it as a generous act, either -- wouldn't this make us feel guilty about feeling hurt?

I don't intend to be mean or snarky. Your comment made me think and come up with this sort of "insight".

[brettcvz]

Your comment made me think as well! I suspect we might be caught in a definitional discussion of the word “feedback” - feedback is a subset of “words someone says to me”.

My working definition of feedback is “things I tell you about something you did with the intent to help you do better next time,” which does warrant the “feedback is a gift” mentality, even if the feedback is poorly delivered, misguided, or wrong. The opposite of love is not hate, it’s apathy.

As other have mentioned, sometimes people say things to you that are not feedback, and are primarily them seeking status, expressing hurt, etc. a caution though that “this person is just having a bad day” is an easy, universal response for dismissing valid but critical feedback.

[cutenewt]

The customer that gives a $.25 tip on bad service

Hurtful garbage yes

But still a gift

[Karellen]

Not all feedback is generous.

There is an industry of some people, rather than looking to provide feedback which accurately reflects the merits and flaws of a given work, who seem to deliberately hate-review everything to a) get clicks, and b) try to make themselves sound smarter than the people who create stuff. It doesn't really help anyone, and is almost entirely a selfish act.

[mysto]

There’s another interesting dimension to it especially in the context of getting feedback from people you regularly interact in life. Regardless of whether the particular feedback was helpful appreciating it as a gift encourages the person to give feedback in the future. This ensures that you continue to get feedback from the person in the future some of which may be very valuable.

[msluyter]

Are you assuming that the intent behind feedback is always benign?

IMHO, in work settings it can represent a sort of a power play, esp. if done in public. I, wise, experienced, and objective, have the perspicacity to critique you, a humble, inexperienced, unskilled clod. See how awesome I am?

This likely to be quite a bit more subtle than I've framed it above, of course, but the dynamic remains. And, these dynamics aren't mutually exclusive -- one may have a genuine desire to help and get an ego/status boost from it, (which makes it sometimes tricky to handle gracefully if you're on the receiving end.)

[napo]

I understand it that way too.

For me it's about how you should react when you get a gift. If a relative offers you something that you don't like, you still appreciate the gesture.

Feedback is a gift, but not all gifts are good ones.

[magicalhippo]

Good feedback is a gift. And by good I mean excluding whining and bullying. The latter two are noise in the feedback channel.