[TamDenholm]

“Should an emergency situation occur, you need to put your own oxygen mask on first, before attempting to help those around you.”

Rule applies here, work on yourself so that you're a better person to be with in a relationship. Work on physical health, good diet, mental wellbeing, work through any past traumas or bad experiences (perhaps with a mental health professional) so you're not carring baggage to future relationships, work on impulse control, emotional control and pretty much the most important one above all others, communication skills.

These things basically apply to all relationships, romantic, professional, friendships, family, etc and are generally good things to work on for your own happiness and wellbeing too.

[neom]

My young cousin was going through a breakup with her boyfriend recently and he was sending her all this stuff about how she needed to stay with him because he couldn't go on without her because he loves her so much and she's so perfect for him blah blah blah. He was basically loving himself by proxy. I told her, If my wife asked me for a divorce because our marriage was negatively impacting her life, of course I'd say no problem, if she was to be more happy and fulfilled in that reality, I'd do it in a heartbeat, I love her! It would hurt, and I would be hurt, but ultimately I'd be fine because I trust and love myself, and eventually, even more happy if it meant she was happy. I love her because of who she is, and she loves me because of who I am, we both love ourselves and share love together.

[gardenhedge]

99% of relationships are not like this. At all.

[kasey_junk]

That’s a pretty jaded response to something you clearly can’t quantify.

I’m hesitant to give relationship advice on the internet because every relationship is different but if I did “don’t love yourself by proxy” would seem pretty close to universal.

[gardenhedge]

It's not jaded it's just realistic. I can't think of anything other than naivety that would make someone believe that either partner in a most relationships would be happy to get divorced because they would be happy for the other person. I can't quantify that most people don't do handstands after they get home from work.. but I also know it doesn't happen.

I am not talking about “don’t love yourself by proxy”.

[tptacek]

They didn't say they'd be happy to get divorced. They said the opposite thing, in fact. They said they'd be happier in the long run, which is true of most divorces, and all of the healthy ones.

[capableweb]

Not only is this a overtly negative view of life itself, it's probably incorrect as well, but depending on what kind of people you interact with, you'll get a biased view of it as a whole. "99%" is wrong, that much I can tell you though, probably closer to 50% than 100%.

I'm biased the other way, most relationships me and my wife see in our friends are closer to the model parent described, but I realize we actively seek out friends who seem to have more healthy relations than people who don't.

[gardenhedge]

How is it a "overtly negative view of life itself"? That's a ridiculous statement.

Of course 99% is not completely accurate but it's in the correct direction which is good enough for the statement.

I am observing the world at a whole. You're observing your immediate self-selected friendships and relationships.

[capableweb]

> How is it a "overtly negative view of life itself"? That's a ridiculous statement.

Because you're saying most if not every relationship is like that. Obviously it's not.

> but it's in the correct direction

How can you possible know this? Unless I missed some reference to you actively doing research in the area, I'm not sure how you possibly can feel certain enough to even guess "it's in the correct direction".

[ad404b8a372f2b9]

By this standard, you can know nothing and discuss nothing without a PhD in the subject matter.

I'm very confident saying most people can't divorce their spouse in a heartbeat no matter the reason, it is entirely detached from anything I've ever observed about relationships, marriages and divorces, over everyone I've ever known in my entire life.

Most people I know couldn't even be sure whether they'd be happier outside of marriage, many people I've known have stayed together even though they were both miserable, many people I know have had a divorce, when either or both wanted it and were miserable throughout the proceedings. That's not even going into breakups in non-married couples which follow different dynamics but aren't generally easy either.

[molsongolden]

Not like the young cousin or not like neom?

FWIW, my spouse and I are similar to neom.

One trap that pushes people towards the young cousin end of the spectrum is getting caught up in loving the idea of the relationship more than actually loving the other person.

[darkerside]

How many of these relationships are you personally involved in such that you'd know that? Maybe 99% (and probably fewer) of relationships in your close personal circle are like that.

[gardenhedge]

I'm done with this thread as it seems to have triggered some people. I'll just respond to you to clearly say: No. You are incorrect.

[capableweb]

Tip: don't share opinions/wild guesses as facts if you're not prepared to answer people who want clarifications. Also, don't engage if you can't have a constructive conversation with others. Why even comment if you're not looking for interactions with others in order to further your own understanding?

[gardenhedge]

Don't provide me with passive aggressive "tips". I don't think any of the replies[1] are seeking clarification. OP is not experienced in love or relationships. The comment[2] may apply to the person who posted it but it's not the reality for most relationships. I thought that was important for OP to know. Also, see the bike cuck meme.

[1] "That’s a pretty jaded response", "this a overtly negative view of life itself", "How many of these relationships are you personally involved in such that you'd know that?"

[2] "I told her, If my wife asked me for a divorce because our marriage was negatively impacting her life, of course I'd say no problem, if she was to be more happy and fulfilled in that reality, I'd do it in a heartbeat, I love her! It would hurt, and I would be hurt, but ultimately I'd be fine because I trust and love myself, and eventually, even more happy if it meant she was happy. I love her because of who she is, and she loves me because of who I am, we both love ourselves and share love together."

[Method5440]

I agree with your sentiment as well as with the parent comment. I think it’s mostly young relationships that aren’t like this, or rather relationships we have when we’re young. I would wager that 99% of people have had or will have at least one relationship like this in their lives before we learn healthier ways of being with another person.

Anecdotally, long term relationships where one party improves significantly often do not last so it’s good advice to improve yourself before you find the right person.

[boppo1]

Yeah that's not quite Bike Cuck territory, but it's awfully close.

[gardenhedge]

Wow, I've never seen that before

Source: https://memedocumentation.tumblr.com/post/167786791350

[devaler]

Now there’s a term I’ve never heard before. I’m somewhat afraid to look it up, but here I go…

[atoav]

I wholeheartedly agree with this comment. Relationships are about you and the other. Becoming a better person yourself is the best way to inspire others to do so as well (and as a plus, if the relationship goes to pieces you get out of it a better person).

One thing I'd like to add: do not think your relationship to your loved one is god given, something they owe you or something that you can take for granted. It really helps to remind yourself to view a relationship as what it realistically is: two (or more) people deciding to spend part of their life together for mutual benefit and growth, be it material, emotional or anything else.

If you do not take your relationships for granted you have to ask yourself more if this is what you want and if this is what your loved one should have to love with. Just because they said ues to sharing life with you once, does not mean there is nothing to be done in the long run.

[jnsaff2]

Well said. I did something similar.

Being comfortable in your own skin makes you more confident, confidence is attractive. It will snowball from there.

Sometimes learning a skill can help to start yourself on a good path.

For me it was going through the training to get a pilots license. Holding the license in my hands made me proud of myself and it had a ripple effect that set me on a path of self improvement. Got married few weeks ago.