[lionhearted]

Cyclothymic, sure. Stronger emotions, some crashes. Bipolar? Absolutely not. I keep doing probability, causality, and checking my answers - never been full manic.

(Also, medicalization tends to marginalize people, and is frequently used instead of addressing arguments - "oh he's bipolar, that's why he's doing this - aside from the fact that I'm not, it's sloppy thinking; it's effective rhetorically but indicates weak ethics and minimal regard for truth and accuracy)

[lucidwaking]

As someone who has seen bipolar type 2 first hand, you sound terrifyingly like me. I know that you won't get help right now, but I beg you to do so when you're at the nadir and sinking beneath the waves begins to make sense. Please, please don't let this break you and destroy your life.

It isn't something wrong. It's just the way we were born. Please seek help and learn how to live with this. Please.

[lionhearted]

If you pushed yourself onto the normal path and that makes you happy and keeps you engaged, great.

I made a different choice with different outcomes. In the last four weeks, I was able to hire like 30-40 people or so, keep six or so projects running, do a deal with a top hotel chain and top jeweler, put out a book in a week, lead a struggle for reform against traditional publishing, made $38,500, shot a bunch of videos, had a bunch of fun, hired an architect to build an orphanage in Ulaanbaatar, and so on.

Normal life? It's not for me. I'll take the good with the bad, burn hotter than the sun, and burn out and go mad at a relatively young age. It's a lifestyle choice, and I'm doing it an educated fashion. I wouldn't wish it on anyone else, I don't advocate it, but I wouldn't give it up for anything.

[lucidwaking]

Do you honestly believe that I have a normal life?

Oh the creative turmoil can be helpful, but being grounded helps you to do so much more. Otherwise it's just two steps forward and one step back. (Be honest, doesn't that happen when you crash? Or when things become too feverish and hot?)

Further, there are things worth being stable for. Sometimes finding that one person who will love you and never leave your side is worth any amount of glory, fame, prestige or greatness you could possibly hustle. Sooner or later we all need someone to keep us warm at night and make everything worth it. Especially someone like us.

You're high right now. You'll probably snort at all of this, but reflect upon this when you're in that segue mode between the zenith and the nadir, when you're passing through that goldilocks zone of stability, and you'll know the answer.

[Mz]

Hey, Sebastian. I agree with some of your remarks here, with regards to such things being used to dismiss someone. I have a serious medical condition and I am open about that here. I am much more discreet about it at work. I tend to feel like people here (and elsewhere) do not really take me seriously and often kind of pat me on the head with the "gosh, you have a moving/touching personal story -- best of luck to you!" kind of stuff but usually aren't helpful to me in a meaningful way which moves my actual goals forward. I tend to get either patted on the head in a condescendingly encouraging manner, like I'm just a cute little girl, or dismissed as full of shit. And that hardly started on HN. HN has actually been a much nicer environment than a lot of other places. A lot of that does relate back to my medical situation and the fact that I am very open about it.

I talk about my medical condition publicly on the web in part because I have a small website where I talk a little about how I got myself well when that is supposed to be impossible. I also have a parenting site where I argue against simply labeling and dismissing my ASD sons. Part of the reason I am much more circumspect about my diagnosis at work is because I feel it can be used to dismiss me and also tends to turn into a circus, where that is all people focus on. So in many ways, I am on your side and agree with you.

On the other hand, I have had the same entry level job at work for five years and have not been promoted. Why? Well, because my medical condition is an actual problem which has put serious limits on my energy levels, ability to focus and so on. As I get healthier, I am being more productive and that has resulted in getting put on a pilot project which may lead to promotion. I have also worked at addressing the many issues my sons have. I find it really hard to talk about in a way that makes a clear distinction between accepting some aspects of my sons as they are without pathologizing it while simultaneously working on getting them healthier and more functional. And I'm very physically tired today, so perhaps will regret posting this as this is a tricky subject to address and I am perhaps not up to doing it justice today.

I've spent a lot of years getting myself well so my performance is not as erratic, I am not so emotionally out of control and so on. I feel I am gradually getting my act together and being taken more seriously. I sometimes wish I could help you somehow do the same. You come across like a blow-hard. I can't figure out what you have actually done, accomplishment-wise (and I've tried, in part because I get so much shit off of people and told I am making up tall tales when I am not, so I am reluctant to jump to conclusions about other people). You go down in flames a lot. Been there, done that. Got crateloads of t-shirts.

I debated writing to you privately about this rather than publicly because I have no desire for you or others to interpret this as a personal attack. But I don't feel I know you well enough to do that and have it go over well. People are often much more vicious in private than in public and my point of view is often wildly misunderstood, so my attempts to initiate private conversations with people has an extremely negative track record, I think because it gets viewed as "something so bitchy she wouldn't own up to saying it publicly". Yeah, I would own up to saying it publicly. I just would rather it not have an audience because I hate how badly audiences often behave, twist my words to support their attacks when that is not my intention and so on.

Anyway, I hope you are having a good holiday. Feel free to dismiss this post as motivated by jealousy of your high karma score. ;-) Peace and good wishes.

[lionhearted]

You know, I've been following your comments for years Mz. At first it was damn strange for me how open you were - it was like, doesn't she know you're not supposed to do that?

But over time, it became a breath of fresh air. I love how our generation is opening up and cutting out the idea that we have to be perfect, or at least pretend to be. It's cool seeing professional athletes like Zack Grienke open up about what they've got going on. It's nice to see your story, your candidness.

There's downsides! Oh, I know, I'm well-aware. But I feel so honest, so alive, so unvarnished.

Can I be a little raw and crass for a moment?

So I worked feverishly today, and then went to a high-class whorehouse for consolidated intense relaxation. It was fantastic, I was walking on air when I left.

I know I'm not supposed to say that, I know it offends a lot of people... but... it's true. I have a variety of people I work with, partner with, and so on. Some of my staff are devoutly Christian, I've got people who are hardcore party-goers, I've got a flamingly gay world-traveling athiest working on one project (even gay people would say "wow, he's really gay, y'know?) and... I think everyone knows I mean them no harm when I put my view out.

Maybe strangers don't know. But wow, it's so liberating to be honest. I feel so unchained. Yeah, I'm a mess in some ways. But everyone is a mess in some ways, and everyone keeps it bottled up and pretends they're not a mess. Yuck. I love this honesty thing. Thank you for your honesty. It's so rare and refreshing.

[Mz]

I wish I could help foster two things:

1) That you have a more beautiful life that involves somewhat less suffering than you seem to have (something I am working on and achieving for myself).

2) That you and HN get to a more peaceful place with each other. When I was more of a mess, I really hated how much drama I brought to the communities I participated in.

If there is any way I can help you (or HN) with either of those, please don't hesitate to write me.

Have a wonderful new year Sebastian.

(PS: I don't think we are of the same generation. I am 46. My understanding is you are substantially younger.)