[guntherhermann]

> I don’t know how to complain properly

Oh I don't know, I think you're doing a fine job of it.

All of those things you complain about not being able to do, you know that you can't do them.

If you know you can't do them, and want to do them, then you can learn how.

Alternatively, you can lay your issues at your parents feet and mope about how hard your life is as a millionaire.

[TheCapn]

Ignoring the moping millionaire part he's got some truth to what he's saying. I'm confronting this now as a new parent while thinking about how I want to raise my son vs. how I was raised by my father.

OPs point to all the distracting tricks rings true for me. Very much a "my way or the highway" household I grew up in, and although I don't feel there was major harm from the upbringing, I can see where the gaps in my development originated. Like OP, I don't do confrontation well. I don't have a healthy grasp of expressing desire or wants. I find it difficult to have healthy debate with others. It's mostly a habit of avoiding the conversation because I was taught during childhood/teens that things will be done like this so there's no point in arguing.

It isn't so simple as that overall though, but I do heavily look at the type of upbringing I was given and how it contributes overall. I want to do better for my son, and avoiding the easy "tricks" to get kids to quiet down and behave (be less like kids) is something I'm aiming to avoid.

[guntherhermann]

Oh, I completely get it. I think those of us who are new parents are of a particular generation.

I was brought up with "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about", my parents would get angry that I didn't know how to do something (well you're the teacher, how is it my fault you didn't teach me!), and shouting. A lot of shouting.

It has definitely affected me, even now if my wife shouts me from downstairs get that feeling of being a child again, waiting to be smacked for something I've supposedly done wrong. I think it will always be there.

However, my parents had it much worse than me. They were born into poverty and their parents were dysfunctional, raging alcoholics who didn't provide for them. As a child my dad had to break into abandoned warehouses to pull up floorboards to use as firewood, because HIS dad was too busy pissing away his money in the pub and on gambling.

That they managed to come out and raise kids in a more loving environment than the one they grew up in is a testament to them.

I think most of us want our children to have a better life than the one we had. People are human, people make mistakes.

I forgive my parents for the mistakes they made, because I know that even for the things they made me do that I still detest and think they are wrong for making me do, they did it for the right reasons, they still loved me. And I love them

[ska]

> I want to raise my son vs. how I was raised by my father.

What many (most?) people do is overcompensate to not make the same obvious errors their parents made, and thereby make a different series of errors.

[TheCapn]

Oh, certainly. I've sorta tried to tune into the generational "style" of parenting I've seen and it swings like a pendulum. Overprotected parenting, absent parent, etc.

My parents had different parenting styles from each other (they ultimately separated) and my friends had different experiences from their parents too. My wife had an abusive upbringing while mine was both neglectful in some ways and overbearing in others. The wife and I joke at times about what type of broken our son will end up being but recognize we're trying to fix what we see as generational trauma while still providing a foundation for him to grow from.

So for me it is about repairing the emotional stunting I've developed. I want my son to be able to express himself in healthy ways without being afraid of confrontation. My wife recognizes how her upbringing lead her to hide and avoid her family, to be self-reliant and forced to navigate the world without a support structure to fall back on. What will develop after that? I just hope he is able to grow confident and know he is loved. What branches out from there is to be figured out when the time comes I suppose.

[eastbound]

>> I don’t know how to complain properly

> Oh I don't know, I think you're doing a fine job of it.

:D If I knew, I would address the issues with the right person and solve them.

So I ended up speaking to computers instead. The rest is so dark that I shouldn’t tell it online, but honestly, you should stop being hateful towards anybody. Any human. Anyone. Don’t do that. Hard no. You are creating hate when you hate people. And man millionaires can be as violent as any other man, as uncaring, as ... We’re no special race. Wasn’t born with a silver spoon either, I was making the point that it was hard work and no life balance that led me here, not privilege or inheritance, just good sustained work, moving until it worked, and lacking social attachment. So I’m gonna go back to my computer and try forgetting about how people like you intentionally ruined my life.

Don’t.

[guntherhermann]

> you should stop being hateful towards anybody.

Explain to me how I am being hateful? I do not hate you, I do not know you. I am merely pointing out that you are complaining about problems you know that you have. If you just want to complain, that's fine, but if you want to fix these problems then it might be good to seek out counselling, a psychologist, a medical professional, someone who can help you

> Wasn’t born with a silver spoon either,

I never said you were.

> So I’m gonna go back to my computer and try forgetting about how people like you intentionally ruined my life.

If you view people who critique your opinions as "ruining your life", then that problem lies with you, not them. You are giving them power over you that they do not really have.

It is nobody's responsibility to make you happy. Only you have that power. You are the master of your own destiny.

Here is a youtube channel I highly recommend, I implore you to watch this man's videos. I found them enlightening.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UeJzbx1iu0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1G4JFuLlO8

[wruza]

If you know you can't do them, and want to do them, then you can learn how.

Some people learn how and just do it.

Other people learn how and just do it.

You can’t see a difference until you get in these “other” shoes and realize how much unreasonable, irrational, disorienting discomfort they give. But minds aren’t shoes so you can’t just try on that.

[guntherhermann]

Assuming they are otherwise physically and mentally capable, they can do it if they want to do it.

The hardest thing about life is not knowing.

Once you know that you don't know something, then you can try to know it.

I am talking as someone who spent a significant amount of my life thinking that I had to live and was consigned to living in one particular way, because I didn't know any other choice was open to me.

[wruza]

Right, but the assumption in this argument is too narrowing. When people get anxious of e.g. complaining, it’s their mental inability, not just lack of a proper method. People get anxious and procrastinative (which may be a result of unnoticed anxiety) a lot. It’s not something affecting only around 1%.