[TheCapn]

Ignoring the moping millionaire part he's got some truth to what he's saying. I'm confronting this now as a new parent while thinking about how I want to raise my son vs. how I was raised by my father.

OPs point to all the distracting tricks rings true for me. Very much a "my way or the highway" household I grew up in, and although I don't feel there was major harm from the upbringing, I can see where the gaps in my development originated. Like OP, I don't do confrontation well. I don't have a healthy grasp of expressing desire or wants. I find it difficult to have healthy debate with others. It's mostly a habit of avoiding the conversation because I was taught during childhood/teens that things will be done like this so there's no point in arguing.

It isn't so simple as that overall though, but I do heavily look at the type of upbringing I was given and how it contributes overall. I want to do better for my son, and avoiding the easy "tricks" to get kids to quiet down and behave (be less like kids) is something I'm aiming to avoid.

[guntherhermann]

Oh, I completely get it. I think those of us who are new parents are of a particular generation.

I was brought up with "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about", my parents would get angry that I didn't know how to do something (well you're the teacher, how is it my fault you didn't teach me!), and shouting. A lot of shouting.

It has definitely affected me, even now if my wife shouts me from downstairs get that feeling of being a child again, waiting to be smacked for something I've supposedly done wrong. I think it will always be there.

However, my parents had it much worse than me. They were born into poverty and their parents were dysfunctional, raging alcoholics who didn't provide for them. As a child my dad had to break into abandoned warehouses to pull up floorboards to use as firewood, because HIS dad was too busy pissing away his money in the pub and on gambling.

That they managed to come out and raise kids in a more loving environment than the one they grew up in is a testament to them.

I think most of us want our children to have a better life than the one we had. People are human, people make mistakes.

I forgive my parents for the mistakes they made, because I know that even for the things they made me do that I still detest and think they are wrong for making me do, they did it for the right reasons, they still loved me. And I love them

[ska]

> I want to raise my son vs. how I was raised by my father.

What many (most?) people do is overcompensate to not make the same obvious errors their parents made, and thereby make a different series of errors.

[TheCapn]

Oh, certainly. I've sorta tried to tune into the generational "style" of parenting I've seen and it swings like a pendulum. Overprotected parenting, absent parent, etc.

My parents had different parenting styles from each other (they ultimately separated) and my friends had different experiences from their parents too. My wife had an abusive upbringing while mine was both neglectful in some ways and overbearing in others. The wife and I joke at times about what type of broken our son will end up being but recognize we're trying to fix what we see as generational trauma while still providing a foundation for him to grow from.

So for me it is about repairing the emotional stunting I've developed. I want my son to be able to express himself in healthy ways without being afraid of confrontation. My wife recognizes how her upbringing lead her to hide and avoid her family, to be self-reliant and forced to navigate the world without a support structure to fall back on. What will develop after that? I just hope he is able to grow confident and know he is loved. What branches out from there is to be figured out when the time comes I suppose.